Page 28

27

IZZY

“You guys have been going out a lot lately.”

I glanced over at Eva and smiled. “It’s been nice.”

“Nice?”

We walked along the grounds of OPS. Without the guys knowing who was trying to take everyone out or how to stop them, we had to be careful with how often we went out. Jason still got me out once a week, along with my therapist appointments. I told him I would be fine, but he insisted, saying he didn’t want me to fall back into old habits.

“What do you want me to say?” I blushed furiously as she grinned at me, bumping her shoulder with mine.

“I want you to tell me what’s going on between the two of you.”

I knew she wouldn’t let up. She was excited for me, and honestly, I didn’t want to hold back. I was growing more comfortable with Jason and Carli by the day. I definitely wasn’t ready to be a more important figure in Carli’s life. That was a step I didn’t know if I would ever be ready for. Not after what happened…

“We’re seeing how things go.”

“Okay,” she said slowly. “And what does that mean?”

“It means…it means that…that…”

“That you like him?” she hedged. “That you want there to be more between you?”

God, I was so bad at this. “Yes, I do,” I admitted, “but I’m not sure I’ll ever be what he needs.”

“What about what you need?” she asked.

I rolled my eyes. I was so tired of everything being about me. “He’s sweet. Maybe too sweet.”

“How is that even possible?”

“I’m afraid that— God, you’re going to think this is stupid,” I muttered.

She stopped me with a hand on my arm, making me turn to face her. “If you want him, tell him.”

“I want to. So badly, but what if I’m not enough for him? What if I can’t ever give him what he wants? Or what if I can’t be in Carli’s life the way he wants? She means everything to him and I’m the woman who fell into his lap for him to watch over. I’m a mess and he’s this perfect?—”

“Alright, you’re gonna have to stop right there. I can’t listen to this anymore.”

My jaw dropped in shock. “What?”

“This,” she motioned to all of me.

I glanced down, wondering what exactly she was referring to. “Um…”

“You’re acting like this can only end one way.”

“Two ways. With or without him.”

She nodded. “Right, but you haven’t even given it a chance and you’re already backing away. You’re scared, so you’re making up excuses why it’ll never work.”

“I am not.”

“Oh, you so are. He’s kissed you. He’s felt you up!”

I shushed her, looking around to see if anyone else heard. “That’s private!”

“It already happened and you didn’t freak out. You wanted it. He’s just waiting for you to let him know you’re ready. Otherwise, he’s not going to touch you. Not like that.”

“So, you think I should just throw myself at his feet?”

She groaned. “Izzy, don’t take this the wrong way, but in many ways, you’re like a teenager with her first crush.”

I immediately stiffened. I knew exactly how inexperienced I was and how it looked. But for her to point it out to me…

“Stop acting like you don’t know who you are,” she continued. “You’re a grown woman. You had a shit hand dealt to you, and you’re struggling to deal with that. We all get it. There’s not a single person here judging you for that. But this is your life, and only you can decide if you want to live it or stay in the shadows. And I hate to tell you this, Izzy, but if you live in the shadows, Zavala wins.”

Tears pricked my eyes at her words. She was absolutely right.

Her arms wrapped around me as she pulled me in for a hug. “Jason’s proven to you a lot over the past few weeks that he’s here for you in any way. He’s taken you out to experience so many new things. There’s actually light in your eyes. You laugh now. I’ve seen you walk out of your house on your own. Hell, even Vira said she’s seeing you less and less by the day. This is a good thing. He’s good for you.”

He was. I knew he was. I just didn’t know how to move forward. It was a huge step.

“How do I…”

She shrugged. “You have to be comfortable.” Then her eyes dropped. “But don’t do anything with Carli in the house. That’s just weird.”

I flushed bright red. “God, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. That one time?—”

I was so mortified when I remembered she was in the house.

“Hey, I’m not saying it has to happen right away, but you need to decide what you want. Are you going to face your demons and move on with life, or are you going to hide in your house forever and pretend you don’t deserve more?”

I opened my mouth, but said nothing.

“That wasn’t an actual question. There’s only one appropriate answer, and I’ll accept nothing else.”

“Thanks,” I muttered.

“Seriously, stop putting the brakes on this relationship. You have something good coming your way. Don’t toss it away.”

I knew I wasn’t ready for more, yet. But she was right. I had to find a way to get out of my head and become the woman I wanted to be. Zavala would not win. I would not be the woman he trained me to be. I would be more than that. There was no other option. If I failed, my life would be nothing more than something that could have been.

I didn’t want to go back into the shadows.

I wouldn’t.

I had to fight.

* * *

Nerves fluttered through me as I waited for Jason to get here with Carli. It had been a week since I woke up in his bed. One week since I had my first orgasm that I actually wanted. I’d seen them every day since, but only for a few hours at a time, and never a sleepover. That couldn’t happen again anytime soon. I knew I wasn’t really ready for it.

“You’re like a lovesick puppy,” Vira snorted as she walked into the room. “I remember waiting by the door for boys when I was a kid.”

“Really?” I asked, feeling a little better.

She cocked her head at me and grinned. “No, actually, I snuck out of the house through my bedroom window and met them somewhere.”

“So…you don’t actually know what this feels like.”

“Wish I could say yes, but I’ve always been a go-getter. Where are you going tonight?”

“The movies,” I answered, turning back to stare outside. “Some kids’ show.”

“Sounds thrilling,” she muttered. “Glad I’m staying here.”

“Any plans?”

“You mean other than a man between my thighs?” She took a healthy drink of her wine and sighed. “Nothing better than that.”

“Don’t you get tired of it?”

“Wine? All the time. I love a good cocktail.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

She shrugged. “I know. But I love a good cocktail.”

I turned beet red when I got her meaning. Vira never held back. I didn’t understand her or feel we were anything alike, but I still liked being around her. Thankfully, Jason pulled up and I was able to scoot out of the house without enduring any more of her comments.

The moment I stepped onto the porch, tingles spread over my body. Jason stepped out of his truck wearing jeans and navy T-shirt that stretched across his chest perfectly. Everything about him was so sexy, down to the boots he wore.

I blushed as he caught me staring at him. I definitely wasn’t ready for more, but that didn’t mean I didn’t appreciate the way he looked. I hadn’t even made it down two steps when he met me at the bottom of the stairs, holding out his hand to me.

The earlier warnings that jumped out at me every time I saw him were beginning to recede—not enough that I was never nervous around him, but enough that I could walk up to him without flinching if he held out his hand.

“Izzy, you look beautiful.”

Blushing, I looked down at my jeans and blouse, wondering what he thought was so special. “It’s nothing. Just everyday clothes.”

His thumb brushed against the back of my hand as he stared intently at me. Leaning in, his lips skimmed over my cheek. “It’s not the clothes,” he whispered before stepping back. His large hand spread across my lower back, guiding me to the truck. Just that little touch made my body respond in such an embarrassing way. I could already feel my panties turning wet, and all it took was the smallest touch.

“Just so you know, Carli may not stop talking your ear off.”

“Why’s that?” I asked, glancing up at him as we stopped just beside the passenger door.

My breath was stolen from my lungs when I saw the dark look cross his face. It wasn’t the dangerous steely gaze from a week ago that made me frightened. This one was something more along the lines of lust. My tongue shot out, licking my dry lips involuntarily. All I could hear over the sound of my own thumping heart was the desperate noise keening in my throat.

“Izzy?” Jason asked, a smile touching his lips. “Did you hear me?”

God, I was such a mess. “Um…sorry, I got lost for a second.”

His eyes narrowed knowingly and I quickly dropped my eyes. “I said that she’s excited because Tahlia promised her a day out.”

“Oh,” I nodded, trying to pull myself together. “Is that safe?”

“I told you,” he said, brushing his knuckles along my cheek. “I’ll always make sure you’re safe.”

It hadn’t escaped my notice that after the morning he dropped me off at home, he returned the next day with bruises all over his hands and a cut above his eye. When I asked him about it, he gave some cryptic answer, which I could only assume meant that he was doing something for work.

“I’m sure she’ll have a lot of fun with Tahlia.”

“She wants you there, too,” he smirked.

“Me?” My eyes widened in fear. “I don’t know anything about little girls.”

“Well, you are a girl,” he pointed out.

“Right, but not four,” I countered.

“And you’ve been fine with her when we go out.”

That was true, but didn’t he see that this was a different situation? “Look, before, that was with you?—”

“Tahlia will take care of her. You don’t have to worry about a thing,” he answered. “And if you don’t want to go, I’ll tell her you’re busy. It’s not a big deal.”

Just like that. It wasn’t a big deal because he would take care of everything for me. He was doing everything possible to make sure I was comfortable in every aspect, but what was I doing?

Going to therapy.

Healing.

Trying to be a normal person.

Right. All those pesky little things that ordinary people didn’t have to try very hard to succeed at doing.

“Can I think about it?”

“Of course you can. But not right now. We have to get to this movie. Princesses don’t wait for anyone.”

I let him help me into his gigantic truck and listened closely as Carli told me all about her plans to go out with Tahlia. She talked so fast and so much that I didn’t have to worry about filling any of the time. All I had to do was smile at her, and that was good enough. By the time we got to the theater, she was already planning the next time we would go out.

“Alright, kiddo. That’s enough for today,” Jason laughed. “How about we just worry about your day with Tahlia first.”

“And Izzy,” she added.

“If Izzy can make it,” he corrected. “I told you, you can’t assume anyone is going to go.”

I was grateful for the out he was giving me. As much as I wanted to be able to take her up on the offer, I just wasn’t sure I was ready. I didn’t know Tahlia. It would be different if I was going with Eva. At least she understood me.

After we were loaded up with popcorn, drinks, and candy, we headed into the theater. Thankfully, there weren’t a lot of people at the matinee showing. I wasn’t sure I could handle the crowds. Carli plopped down in the first seat and Jason followed her. I wasn’t entirely comfortable in the theater and I wondered what it would be like once the lights went down. I hadn’t been to a movie in years.

“You okay?” Jason asked, leaning over to whisper in my ear.

I nodded, blowing out a shaky breath. My knee was bouncing agitatedly and my hands were clammy. I could do this. I just had to keep breathing.

It’s just a movie. I’m just sitting in a theater.

As soon as the lights went down, I froze. My heart started racing and my breathing turned erratic. Oh God, I was about to have a meltdown in the middle of the theater. I had to get out of there.

I jerked as Jason’s hand landed on my thigh. The popcorn went flying, spilling all over the ground, and then I knocked over the drink in my attempt to catch it. But Jason was fast, catching the drink before it could spill everywhere.

“You’re okay,” he whispered, taking my hand in his. “Breathe. Just breathe,” he murmured, brushing his thumb along the back of my hand. “In and out.” With every stroke of his thumb, he breathed with me, doing his best to calm me down. My eyes darted around the theater, wondering if anyone was watching us, but Jason quickly grabbed my chin and urged me to look at him.

“No one’s here but you and me. Okay?”

I started to look away and he tugged my chin back to him.

“It’s just us, Izzy.” Then his thumb resumed the rhythmic brush against my hand, but his eyes stayed on mine. “Just you and me,” he repeated.

I nodded, watching his lips as he repeated the words. Slowly, my heart started to calm. I was still nervous, but I wasn’t about to jump out of my skin anymore.

“There you are,” he whispered. Then he leaned forward and brushed his lips over mine.

And just like that, my heart was racing for a completely different reason. I settled back into the seat and watched the previews, but I couldn’t get my mind off his lips, or the fact that his hand never left mine.