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ISABELLE

I stared into the mirror, looking back at the woman who seemed so void of life. She used to be in there, but that was then and this was now. I let a smile take over my face, practicing for a good five minutes until I was satisfied I could make it look realistic. The smile was perfect, but the lifeless look in my eyes wouldn’t fool anyone. Of course, they might contribute that to my time on the island.

They had no idea it was because I was still mourning my husband.

Putting on a front for everyone around me was nothing new. I learned to do it well on the island. Ebarardo had a stressful job and when things didn’t go his way, it filtered into our lives. It was easier on him when I behaved a certain way. And since I knew what he expected of me, it was easier to be what he wanted than fight him and make his day miserable.

That’s all this was, bending for everyone around me so they didn’t think I was losing it. Everyone assumed I was moving on from Ebarado. Knight, especially, was proud of me when I asked him if I could move by Eva. He took that as some kind of signal that I was ready to move on.

I gripped the ring that rested on a chain around my neck and took a deep breath as a wave of grief washed over me.

I would never be ready to move on. Ebarardo gave me something that no other man has ever offered. Luxury, security, undying love…those were things women only dreamed about, and I had them in the palm of my hand for thirteen wonderful years. My life would never be the same, but I couldn’t go around with everyone shooting me those worried looks either. I had to move on in a way that I thought Ebarardo would be proud of.

That’s what I was doing every day. I got out of bed. I recited the rules Ebarardo drilled into me. I behaved in the way he wanted when no one was looking. And I tried my damndest to appear normal. One day, they would all stop worrying.

I took a cleansing breath and tucked the ring under my blouse. I dragged a practiced eye over my clothing, making sure I was dressed in a way Ebarardo would approve of.

Fuzzies. There were fuzzies on my pants.

My heart hammered in my chest and nausea rose in my throat. I raced out of the bathroom and grabbed the roller off my dresser, then swiped it over my pants until not a single fuzzy remained. I should have felt relieved, but instead, worry coated my stomach like oil. What if I missed a spot?

I quickly undid my black pants and took them off, laying them out on the bed. Even though I didn’t see a single fuzzy, I ran the roller over the material several times until I was positive there was nothing left behind. I flipped them over and repeated the process, then redressed and finally breathed a sigh of relief.

“It’s okay. There’s nothing on you. You look wonderful,” I murmured, taking in another cleansing breath.

When I opened my eyes, I noticed a corner of my sheet flipped slightly at the end. I walked over and smoothed the material, then walked around the bed to check for other errors. When I was satisfied, I took a long look around the room for anything else that might be out of place. Satisfied, I headed for the door.

As soon as I reached for the doorknob, my hand began to shake as it did every morning. I was leaving my room with no guards on the other side, stepping out into a house with no protection. Yes, there were sensors and security set up all around the property, but there was no one watching for me in here.

That was the hardest thing about leaving Reed Security. I had a false sense of safety in that bunker. I knew no one could get inside without the proper codes, handprints, etc. I was safe. Here…I was on my own. Ebarardo had been gone for…

I closed my eyes, not wanting to think about how long it had been since he’d been killed. Killed . That was the wrong way to put it. Brutally murdered. And now that murderer was here on the property. They all praised him. He was the man who killed my husband and “freed” me. To me, he was the man who sentenced me to a life of purgatory.

I shook off the nerves coursing through me and twisted the knob. Ebarardo would want me to be strong, to face down the villains in my life with my head held high. He would expect nothing less of the queen he married. That’s who I was to him. His queen, and I would not let him down even after his death.

I strode out of the room with my head held high. Though my heart hammered in my chest, I was calm and relaxed on the outside, just as Ebarardo had trained me to be. My hand slid along the cool wood of the banister as I descended the stairs. Laughter filtered through the house as I hit the bottom step and wove my way to the kitchen where I knew Vira would be waiting—just as she was every morning.

It was no surprise that a man was in there with her. Vira always found someone to entertain her, though it was usually at night when I was in bed already. Rarely did I see her male companions, though I was aware they existed.

“Hey, you want some coffee?” she asked as I entered the kitchen.

“Yes, that would be nice.” I slid into the kitchen chair and avoided eye contact with her new lover. Slider had been her previous bedmate, but after an awkward encounter one morning, Vira kicked him to the curb. Now, this man was here. He seemed like a decent enough man. I’d seen him around before and he always had a smile on his face. He actually seemed like the perfect fit for Vira.

“Morning, Isabelle. How are you?”

“Just call her Izzy,” Vira said, rolling her eyes. “Isabelle is so formal.”

I didn’t correct her, but Ebarardo would never have allowed me to be called Izzy. “I’m just fine.” My mouth hung open as I realized I didn’t know this man’s name.

“Patrick,” he answered with a twinkle in his eyes.

I gave a polite nod as Vira brought over a mug for me. It smelled delicious, but my manners got the better of me and I waited for everyone to be seated. I wasn’t sure if Vira liked to sit at the table or if she was accommodating me, but she always joined me for morning coffee. It was our routine.

She tugged on Patrick’s arm and they sat down, Patrick shooting her a strange look as he took a seat. Giving a polite smile, I took my first sip of coffee.

“The coffee is wonderful this morning.”

“It’s the same as every morning,” Vira answered.

It was, but it was rude not to offer my gratitude for her offering.

“So, what are you ladies up to today?” Patrick asked, his eyes wandering over Vira to her exposed knee.

I flushed and looked away. I’d seen the way men looked at Vira. She was beautiful and not at all ashamed of her sexuality. I watched from the corner of my eye as Patrick ran his hand up Vira’s bare leg, slipping it just under the long shirt she wore. She smacked his hand away with a laugh, which I knew was all for my benefit.

“I have to get to work,” Patrick said, getting to his feet.

“You’d better take a shower first. You smell like sex.”

“Maybe I want to smell like you all day,” Patrick rumbled, his voice sending shivers down my spine.

I brushed off the indecent thoughts running through my head and forced myself not to watch as Vira took him into the other room and then clung to him, wrapping her leg around his waist as he kissed her hard. My eyes wandered over to them as his hand slid down her back and then cupped her rear, gripping tight as he thrust his hips against her.

I whipped my head away, forcing myself to look straight ahead. Heat crashed over me in waves and I had to press my legs together to stem the throbbing down below. Her male encounters were wreaking havoc on my body. It had been one year, three months, and twenty-nine days since I last had sex with Ebarardo, and I was really beginning to feel the pangs of loss. My body was used to being twisted and bent for his enjoyment, but without him, there was nothing to take the edge off. I was just a shell.

“Sorry about that.”

I picked up my mug and carefully put it to my lips as she took her seat. “It’s no problem.”

I could feel her eyes on me, how she watched me, waiting for me to say something. We’d been roommates now for over three months, but she’d yet to ask me a single question about my life before I came to live here. I knew she was aware of my circumstances. Hell, I bet there was a briefing packet on me. Everyone tiptoed around me like I was damaged goods.

I wasn’t damaged. I just missed my husband.

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

Here we go. “Sure.”

“How many men have you slept with?”

Shocked at the question, my eyes flicked to her. “Um…” I was thrown by the question. I really expected her to ask something about my time on the island or Ebarardo. “Four.”

Her eyes lit with surprise. “Wow. That’s not many.”

“It seems like a lot to me.”

She chuckled, taking a sip of her coffee. “Girl, I could fill a whole book with my list of suitors.”

“I like the way you say that,” I said before I could think better of it. I flushed in embarrassment, immediately regretting my words. “I’m sorry. That was rude.”

“Why?”

She didn’t seem upset. In fact, when I looked at her, she had a grin on her face. “Um…well, because of what I’m implying.”

“You’re not wrong, and I don’t take offense that easily.” She glanced off to the right with a whimsical smile on her face. “I prefer to think of them as suitors as opposed to lovers. Lovers implies that there’s some form of connection between us.”

“And there’s not?”

The smile on her face dimmed slightly. “There was once.”

“What happened?”

“Well, in order to be happy, you have to actually take a chance on someone. I’ve never been very good at that.”

I didn’t want to pry, but…”What was his name?”

Her eyes flicked to mine and her smile returned. “Sean. He’s a cop.”

That really surprised me, and it showed on my face.

“Wow, don’t look so shocked,” she laughed.

“I’m sorry. It’s just…you’re so…”

“Loose? Morally reprehensible? I think that’s what he liked about me. He just didn’t realize it wasn’t a phase and I wouldn’t change.”

That confused the heck out of me. “He liked you loose?”

“He liked that I was fun and always looking for a good time.”

She trailed her finger along the rim of her mug in thought. She looked like something was on her mind, so I stayed quiet as she worked it out.

“You know, it’s funny how little we know people. We all wear masks to protect us.”

When her eyes slowly rose to meet mine, I had a feeling she was talking about me. Nerves shot through me, making me want to flee the room, but I forced myself to sit with her as I did whenever Ebarardo got this way.

“What mask do you wear?” I hedged, hoping that would get me off the hook.

“One of indifference. I pretend that I don’t care that my life has been flipped upside down. I pretend that it doesn’t hurt me that my father tossed me away so easily. Most of all, I pretend I’m not a pawn in a game.”

“And where does Sean fit into all this?”

Her lips twitched as she stared at me. “I pretend that I could have ever been good enough for a man like him. I like to tell myself that it was my choice not to give him all of me because if I didn’t, I could never be used. But mostly, I tell myself that he was never good enough for me. My standards are too high, and he didn’t meet them.”

“Is any of that true?”

“Not one,” she smiled. “But like I said, it’s a mask I wear, and it makes me feel better.” After a moment, she cocked her head at me. “What about you?”

“What about me?”

“What masks do you wear?”

I had the best mask of all, one that no one could ever break through because I kept my secrets hidden so deep inside. I wanted to believe that Vira would understand my secrets and keep them for me, but I didn’t know her well enough. Not even this conversation was enough to make me trust her. I’d been burned before, and I knew all too well how that turned out. I still had the scars to prove it.

“I have no mask. It was torn off me long ago.” When Ebarardo saved my life.

I didn’t tell her that part. Or that I wore one yet again after he died. Like so many others, she would never understand. I saw the flicker of disappointment when I didn’t confess to her, but she didn’t push.

“Well, I’m going to take a shower and get on with my day,” she grinned. “It’s so very busy for us, you know.”

I smiled at her teasing. Vira and I probably had the most boring lives of anyone on the compound. But while she craved excitement, I delighted in the silence that surrounded me throughout the day. It was the nights that nearly killed me.

At night, I couldn’t pretend my husband—the love of my life—was no longer gone.

* * *

With my foot resting on the porch railing, I gently pushed myself on the swing as I buried my nose in yet another book. I had no idea where they came from, but every once in a while, I would find a box of books on the front porch. This one happened to be a non-fiction book about a murder that took place in a mansion in Minnesota. While I didn’t particularly care for non-fiction, wishing instead to get lost in someone else’s world, I found this book rather interesting.

I flipped the page, gnawing on my lip as I got to a rather tense part about the night of the murders. I was so engrossed in the story that I didn’t notice the man who walked up the steps until his shadow cast over the pages of my book.

Slowly, I looked up, sliding my foot off the railing in case I needed to run. But instead of feeling the need to run, I smiled kindly at the man in front of me.

“Bradford.”

He grinned widely at me, nodding to the swing. “May I sit?”

“Sure.”

I scooted over, making sure there was enough room for his large frame while also leaving a good amount of space between us. “What brings you by?”

He sighed heavily, leaning back as he stared out at the grounds. “Boredom. I’m still not allowed to go out on any jobs.”

“So, you thought you’d come visit me,” I teased.

He shot me a sly grin, shrugging slightly. “You caught me. I figured you might be as bored as me.”

“I have a book.” I held it up for him to see, even though he’d already seen it when he walked up.

“But I’m better company.”

His charming smile almost had me blushing, but then I instantly felt horrible for even thinking about his smile when my husband was in the ground. Bradford was one of the few men at OPS who had taken to visiting me without hesitation. Of course, he wasn’t allowed to go anywhere either, so we could commiserate over our situations.

“So, what are you up to today besides reading?”

“I’m not sure. I have no plans.”

“Want to go for a walk?”

That was the same as saying I needed to leave my house. I realized that the third time he asked me to go for a walk. “Sure.”

I set my book on the seat and stood, feeling a lot more at ease with him than the first few times he dropped by. He only came by about once or twice a week, but I appreciated the thought. Since Knight was no longer around, I had no one to keep an eye on me.

As usual, Bradford walked to the end of the porch, then waited for me like a gentleman. He never made an attempt to hold my hand or touch me in any way. But he seemed to know that I needed the push to go anywhere.

The moment my foot hit the last step, I felt that overwhelming need to rush back inside, but I pushed through it, knowing Knight would want me to keep pushing myself to leave the house. I sometimes wondered if Knight had asked Bradford to keep an eye on me, but he seemed to genuinely enjoy spending time with me, even if it was just going on a walk. Maybe I was reading too much into the whole thing.

“So, do you know when you’ll get to go back to work?”

“Nope.”

My eyes slipped from his face, down to his neck where the raised scar stood out against his tanned skin. “They don’t have any suspects yet?”

He absently ran his hand over the scar, shaking his head. “Not yet. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure how much longer I can take this. I’m going stir crazy.”

“You could always take the opportunity to do something else.”

“Like what?”

I had no idea. What did I know about the real world?

“If you say read a book, this conversation will be over before it even started,” he grinned.

“I honestly don’t know what you could do. It’s…been a long time since I did anything,” I admitted, trailing off as I considered my words.

“What did you do before you were married?”

I found it funny how he carefully maneuvered around that landmine. “I was in college. Well, I had just graduated. But that seems like a lifetime ago.”

“Is there anything you want to do now?”

Run back to the island. Hold my husband’s hand again. Stop pretending that there isn’t a gaping hole where my heart once resided in my chest.

“I don’t really have any talents.”

“You just need to find them. What about cooking or baking? Do you enjoy that?”

Ebarardo never allowed it. His wife wasn’t allowed to lower herself to a servant’s job. Sometimes, I wished he would have let me. I was well aware that he prevented me from learning because he had a reputation to uphold, but it would have been nice to cook him a meal and see the look on his face when I laid that meal in front of him and saw him beam with pride.

“I’ve never been very talented in the kitchen,” I admitted.

“Was there anything you were allowed to do on the island?”

I flinched at the way he phrased it, making it sound like I was being controlled by a madman. Our lives were carefully constructed to keep us safe. At the time, I didn’t appreciate it, but now…now I craved it more than anything.

“—maybe something you took an interest in.”

I only caught part of what he was saying, but understood his meaning. The truth was, I never took an interest in anything but Ebarardo. I closed my eyes as I took a deep breath and a flash of something jolted my heart.

Rafe . He was in bed and I was tending to him. I swallowed hard, remembering how badly he was injured. And that was all because he was protecting Ebarardo. He’d let me tend to him, and following the doctor’s orders, I was allowed to clean him up and make sure he healed properly.

I remembered thinking at the time how it felt so natural to put him back together after he had saved my husband’s life. “Maybe?—”

I cut myself off before I could voice my thoughts. It was silly. I didn’t know anything about taking care of someone. I had the basic knowledge of tending to wounds. That didn’t make me a nurse or even close to a doctor. But at the thought, something stirred inside me.

“Maybe what?” Bradford asked.

“It’s silly,” I huffed out, wishing I hadn’t said anything.

For the first time ever, he placed his hand on my forearm and stopped walking, looking intently at me. “Hey, it’s not silly if it’s something that interests you.”

I heard his words, but all I could think about was the fact that his hand was on me. If Ebarardo knew he was touching me, he would be dead before he had time to explain himself. I had to get away from him. I needed to get back to the house and?—

“Izzy—”

“I shouldn’t have come,” I said, taking a step back.

His hand dropped and he followed my line of sight until understanding dawned. “I’m sorry I was so forward. I didn’t mean to get personal.”

I shook my head, wanting to yell that it wasn’t him. But deep down, I knew he was lucky that Ebarardo was dead, or he’d be in the ground in less than an hour.

“I shouldn’t have crossed the line. Let’s keep going. We’re almost there.”

“Almost where?” I asked, barely pushing the words out around the suffocating band around my chest.

“To Eva’s. She’s having a hard time since Cash—since Cash left. I figured she could use a little extra support right now from family.”

Family. That’s what I was to her, but I never felt more distant from anyone in my life. “Maybe someone else should visit her.”

“I disagree. She needs to feel close to Cash, and you’re his sister.”

“But I don’t even know him,” I argued, feeling nausea swirl in my stomach.

“You know her, and you’ve met her kids before. You know how adorable they are. They’re desperate for family right now. And since you and I have nowhere to go, I figured we should be doing more to help out. It’s the least we can do for her.”

When he put it like that, I sounded awfully selfish. She was suffering without her husband just like me, but she pushed through because she had kids to take care of. She had no choice in the matter. There was no sleeping in or deciding to take the day off. She had people relying on her.

“You’re right.”

“So, we’re going?” he asked, his eyes twinkling as he smiled at me.

“Yes. I think we should. But not for long,” I quickly tacked on. “We don’t want to overstay our welcome.”

“Of course not.”

We finished the walk to her house, and I tried to ignore the way Bradford so easily strolled beside me without a care in the world. He was stuck here the same as me, but he wasn’t terrified to leave the house or walk around the grounds. I glanced over at him, studying his profile for a moment. He had a kind face, but there was something hiding underneath that strong exterior. He was in pain, but I had no idea why.

“You’re staring,” he chuckled.

“Sorry.” Flushing, I ducked my head.

“It’s okay. What did you want to know?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on,” he urged teasingly. “You can tell me.”

I chewed my lip, embarrassed that I was caught, but at the same time…”It’s just…you look like you’re sad. Or hurt?”

He turned his cocky smile at me, but it was there in his eyes, that pain that just couldn’t be hidden. I knew because I saw it reflecting in my eyes every morning.

“Who was she?”

“Wow,” he laughed. “Am I that obvious?”

I raised my hand slightly. “Fellow hider of emotions.”

“Kavanaugh,” he grinned, holding out his hand. “Emotionally stunted after ruining the best relationship I ever had because of my dipshit father.”

A true smile broke out over my face in what felt like forever. “Isabelle. Tortured by her deceased husband who everyone despises.”

“Love sucks,” he sighed.

“It does.”

I glanced back at him, curious as to why he wasn’t telling me I was damaged for missing my husband. Instead, he just seemed to commiserate with me. I didn’t know what to do with that.

“You’re not going to tell me I’m wrong for missing my husband?”

“That depends,” he said, shooting me a playfully wary look. “Are you going to chastise me for being the idiot who kept lying to the woman I loved in the name of protecting her?”

“I can’t say I have any right to judge anyone.”

“Me either,” he nodded.

This was an interesting turn in our friendship. I hadn’t considered Bradford anything other than a person who walked around the property with me up until now. We never talked about anything personal, but for some reason, this morning, he just looked sad.

“Did something happen?”

“You mean, other than the constant reminder that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me?” We stopped outside Eva’s house and he glanced toward the OPS building. “My life has taken a drastic turn in the past year. It’s all catching up with me. It’s like I’m on a runaway train and I can’t stop it, and I can’t jump off. I’m not a man who does well with not having control of a situation.”

“I can see that,” I nodded.

“What about you?”

What about me? I was struggling to survive most days. Putting one foot in front of the other felt like a monumental leap. My heart constantly hurt and hiding that pain from others felt so wrong. Others were allowed to grieve when they lost their spouse. I had to keep it all tucked away inside. And now that Knight was gone, there was no one who understood.

“I just hope to wake up one morning and…”

“And what?”

That was the problem. I didn’t even know. Find peace? Have my husband back? Not miss the island so much? Nothing in my life would ever be the same, and I couldn’t even say what it was I wanted.

“I really don’t know,” I admitted. “That’s the problem.”