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14

JASON

“I could lay like this forever.”

I pulled away instantly. There was no way I could ever let her think this could be more. “Leah ? —”

“Don’t start with me. I already know what you’re going to say.”

“Then why would you even say that shit?” I snapped. Christ, I shouldn’t have slept with her when we came to Johnny’s ranch. I ignored her for as long as I could. I pushed her away and tried to keep my distance, but there was only so much I could take.

“Jesus, I was talking about laying in bed and being lazy! Out there, I have to live my life and pay taxes and shit. Don’t you ever just want to relax and forget about everything for one fucking day?”

I eyed her warily, wondering if she was telling the truth. Women were good at covering up what they really meant when they felt they were about to get kicked out of bed. And this woman was definitely scrappy.

“Relax, Casanova. I don’t want to marry you. Far from it.”

Now, I was a little offended. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Other than the blinking warning sign on your forehead?”

“Other than that,” I muttered.

“Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re a walking disaster. You have the looks and the body that women fantasize about, but you’re a hot mess.”

I rolled to my side, propping my hand under my head. “I think you’re the first woman who ever thought I was a mess.”

“That’s because they were blinded by that giant dick,” she grinned as her hand slid under the sheet and wrapped around my cock.

“And you’re not?”

“I am, but I still see you.”

“And what do you see?” I smirked, thrusting my hips forward as she jerked me off.

The smile faded from her eyes the longer she stared at me. I didn’t need her to tell me another thing. I already knew she could see deep into my soul, and I didn’t want to hear a thing out of her mouth.

“Forget I said anything,” I muttered, turning away from her.

My cock slipped from her grip, but that didn’t stop her from saying what was on her mind. “I saw the scars. They’re faded, but you can’t hide them.”

“Nice try.”

“I would guess they’re not that old based on how puckered they are. Probably within the last ten to fifteen years.”

“That’s some guess.”

“And they’re not faded like they would be if you got them as a kid.”

“Again, you’re just speculating,” I said as anger morphed in the pit of my stomach. How dare she dig around in my head like this? Who the fuck did she think she was?

“My first guess would be that you got them in the military, but if that was the case, I have no doubt you’d tell me just that and then tell me to fuck off.”

I glared at her, my jaw clenching hard in anger.

“And since you haven’t said that, I would assume it happened after you got out of the military. What I don’t know is why you hide them so much.”

“Never said I was hiding them,” I grunted.

“But you’re not open about them either. You’re pissed as hell that I’m bringing them up.”

“It’s called privacy. You’re not my fucking wife or even my girlfriend. You’re a good lay, and that’s it. I don’t know what the hell you think you’re trying to do here.”

“It had to be about a woman. Only a woman would make you clamp up about something like this. Or a massive betrayal.”

The look of contemplation on her face made me want to strangle her and kiss her at the same time.

“Of course, it could be both. Which would be fucking horrible.” Her face turned dark and sad as she stared up at the ceiling. “I know the feeling all too well.”

I hated that look on her face. I’d seen it only one other time, and that nearly killed me. She woke up in the middle of the night when we were at her house in Minnesota. I didn’t know if it was the fact that I was in her bed or if it was just horrible luck, but the nightmare brought on that night left her a shattered mess.

I was the only one who witnessed any of it. She acted as if nothing happened the next morning. She went on with her day, chipper and perfectly fine. Nothing fazed this woman. But every once in a while, I saw a glimpse of who she was underneath that tough exterior. Like right now…she saw right through me because she’d been there.

She rolled back to face me and tucked her hand under her face. “Who was she?”

I don’t know what possessed me to say a damn thing to her. I didn’t owe her anything. In fact, if I was smart, I would have kept my mouth shut. But the way she was looking at me, it was like she was begging me to understand what she had gone through.

“Doesn’t matter what her name was.”

“But she did something.”

I nodded, staring into her eyes. “I trusted her. It turned out to be the worst decision of my life.”

“How long ago was this?”

The memories flashed through my mind as if it had just happened yesterday. I had been so young and idealistic. I thought I was doing the right thing, that I knew what the fuck I was talking about. But Rafe was right. There was no room for a relationship in this business. There was no room for anything other than the job. I just wish I had realized that before she betrayed me.

“Just after I started working with Johnny and Jack.”

Her eyebrow rose in confusion. “Who’s Jack?”

“He’s—”

Not here.

On a job in prison.

All things I couldn’t tell her. All things that had been eating me alive inside since he took the job. I knew he had done it because he wanted to save us from what would happen. Jack had seen shit neither of us had. At least, he liked to think so. Hell, maybe he just wanted to prevent us from seeing the worst of it. I really didn’t know his reasoning. But whatever it was, he was in the worst fucking place possible, and we were out here—missing one of our own.

“A friend.”

She didn’t bring up my omission or try to drag any more facts out of me about the situation with Jack. Instead, she pushed on about the woman she so desperately wanted answers about.

“What did she do?”

My eyes slipped closed as I remembered the cutting betrayal—the look on her face when I realized it was all a setup, that she had led me into a trap. And I had fallen for it. I hadn’t even thought twice about it because I was so sure of who she was. The guys had tried to warn me, but I knew better. I swore she was just an innocent bystander.

And then she stabbed me in the back, quite literally.

“Doesn’t matter,” I said, rolling to my back and tossing my arm over my head. “It’s over.”

It was quiet for so long that I thought she drifted off to sleep, but then she spoke, breaking through the deafening silence in my head. “She made you lose faith in yourself.”

Her words cut through me like a knife—not because it hurt, but because I had been hiding from the truth for so long. I liked to think of myself as unbreakable, but her words made it clear that, yes, she had shaken something deep in my core. I might never be the same, and it was all because I refused to trust my instincts.

“You won’t ever trust another woman again, will you?”

We laid there in the dark as she slipped her hand in mine. It was the last night we were together, the last time I allowed myself to feel anything for another woman. She knew what I couldn’t tell her, that I would never give myself to her because I couldn’t trust that I could keep a clear head. Maybe that was the coward’s way out. Maybe I was being a selfish prick, but when the sun rose, Leah didn’t seem mad at me.

She looked at me with understanding, then kissed me one last time. “It’s okay, Jason.”

“What is?” I asked, my voice gruff as I watched her walk away.

“I can’t let anyone in either.”

* * *

“Daddy?”

I blinked away the memory as the summer rain dripped down my nose. It took me a minute to remember where I was, but as I felt Carli squeeze my hand again, I cast my eyes down on her in her pretty black dress.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Is momma gonna be cold?” I frowned, not understanding the question. “Should I give her my blankie?” She held up her hand, showing me her favorite blanket that she slept with every night.

My eyes drifted back to the casket—to my new family at OPS—who all stood around, waiting for me to do something. My memories of Leah had completely pulled me out of the service. I forgot where I was and what I was doing. I had zoned out from taking care of my daughter. What kind of father did that?

I shouldn’t have even let Carli come, considering what happened at the last funeral OPS attended. But everyone here was on high alert. We’d swept the surrounding area and cleared everything within sniper range before the funeral. It was the best we could do for Leah and Carli, and I had to pray it was enough. Carli deserved this closure.

I bent down on my haunches and smiled at her. “I think that’s really sweet, but I think your momma would want you to keep that.”

She pinched her lips together, staring down at her blanket. “Are you sure?”

“It’s your favorite blanket, right?”

She nodded slightly.

“Your momma would want you to have it.”

“But… I don’t want her to be lonely.”

Her eyes drifted up to meet mine, and the unshed tears in her eyes tore me to shreds. Christ, this girl was breaking my heart. “She won’t be lonely, baby. I told you, she’s always with you. Right in here,” I said, pressing my hand to her heart.

“Is she with you?”

I nodded. “Always.”

I barely got the words out before I stood and looked away. Fuck, I needed a minute.

“Hey, Carli,” I heard Tahlia say. “Should we go say goodbye to your mom?”

I squeezed my eyes closed as they walked away. I didn’t know how to hold it together. Between the guilt over not getting to Leah in time and the fact that I pushed her away for so many years, I wasn’t sure how the hell I was feeling at the moment.

“You okay?” Jack asked, walking up beside me.

“I’m fine.”

“It’s clear that you’re not.”

“How the fuck would you know?”

“Because I’ve been there,” he said, blowing out a slow breath. “That space in your head where you know you’ve fucked up and you can’t find a way out? I’ve lived it.”

“Like I said, I’m fine. I can handle it.”

He snorted. “I remember a time when I said that to you.”

“You were fucked up,” I pointed out.

“Maybe so, but how is this different?”

I glared at him for even suggesting that I was as bad as a fucking addict. “Do you have something you want to say to me?”

He turned to me, his eyes intense as he stared me down, but there was no malice there. And that only pissed me off more. “I’m your friend, so I don’t know why you’re looking at me like I’m a piece of shit.”

“Maybe because you’re comparing me to you. Last I remember, I didn’t get addicted to heroin. I didn’t have to take a hit just so I could function. And I sure as shit didn’t try to strangle the woman I loved because I was so fucked up in the head that I didn’t even recognize her,” I snapped.

Something in Jack’s eyes flared, but he didn’t take the bait. Yeah, his jaw twitched and his muscles bunched up, prepared for a fight, but he never snapped back at me. Instead, he took a deep breath and let the moment pass.

And I fucking hated him for it.

“Anything else you wanna get off your chest?”

His words burned something deep in my gut. The cool and calm demeanor—the way he brushed off my scalding remarks like they couldn’t hurt him only fueled the anger inside me. He had every reason to hate every fucking person on this earth, yet he acted like he didn’t have a care in this world.

But I’d just lost the one woman I’d ever truly wanted, and all because I never gave her a fucking chance. She was gone because of me. Her daughter was a fucking orphan because of me. I had to bury her in the ground after being tortured and fucking beaten to death. Her blood was soaked into my hands. Her body had been tossed aside like it meant nothing.

And he had the audacity to stand there and ask if there was anything else I wanted to get off my chest?

My nostrils flared as rage tingled under my skin. I knew I was about to lose it. I tried to close my eyes and pull back the anger, but there was nothing more I could do. I was so fucking ashamed of everything. And here was this asshole, looking at me like he had all the answers.

“Tahlia, take Carli home now,” Jack commanded. “And take Sky and Parker with you.”

My eyes flew open at his words. “You’re not taking my kid anywhere,” I snapped.

I spun around, but before I could take a single step, Jack grabbed my arm. It happened so fast. I swung hard, slamming my fist into his jaw. He stumbled slightly, but then came at me hard, ramming his shoulder into my stomach and taking me to the ground. The wind was knocked out of me from the force of the hit, but I rolled him, sucking in a harsh breath. Just that split second left me wide open.

The hit to my jaw felt like a sledgehammer slammed into me. Dazed, I struggled to my feet. I never let a fight get to me in this way, but something about this particular fight was getting the better of me. Every time my fist hit his body, he got in two jabs. If I went down twice, he only went down once. I was getting my ass handed to me, and I couldn’t figure out why.

It wasn’t until the last time that he took me down that it finally dawned on me. Jack wrapped his hand around my neck and pulled me toward him. My forehead was pressed to his. I slapped him away, but he wouldn’t move, and no matter how hard I struggled, he wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone.

“Let it go, man,” he whispered. “You didn’t do this.”

“It’s my fault,” I bit out.

“You didn’t do this,” he repeated. “This is not on you. It’s not on you. Do you hear me?”

I sucked in a breath, and that’s when I felt it. Fucking tears were falling down my face, and that explained why I was losing so badly. Fuck, I was an emotional wreck. What the fuck was wrong with me?

My legs collapsed from under me and I fell to my knees. Jack went with me, never releasing me. It was like he understood what I was going through and refused to let me do it alone.

Of course he knows, you fucking idiot.

“It’s not your fault,” he repeated, pulling me in for a hug. “I know you think it is, but she didn’t die because of you.”

“I wasn’t there,” I choked out.

“You weren’t there for years, man. She didn’t tell you about Carli. You didn’t fucking know.”

I released a harsh breath and slumped to the ground on my ass, hanging my head between my legs as I took a moment to just breathe. Each second that passed was a little less painful, but that didn’t make reality any easier to face.

“I pushed her away,” I finally said. “After what happened?—”

“Yeah, I know, man.”

I shook my head, blowing out a slow breath. “I just didn’t want to trust anyone again. I left her.”

“Been there, done that,” he chuckled. “Did you really think I wouldn’t understand?”

“That was different,” I grunted. “You were getting yourself clean. I just ran.”

“Not sure I would have gone after Sky if she hadn’t come looking for me,” he sighed. “I was too busy beating myself up for what I had done to her.” He cocked an eyebrow at me. “How did you call it? Strangling the woman I loved because I was too fucked up to recognize her?”

“Fuck,” I breathed. “Can we not bring up the stupid shit I say?”

“We could, but then it would be all about the stupid shit I say and do. I can’t keep all the prizes for myself,” he chuckled. “You know, Leah wouldn’t want you beating yourself up right now. She’d probably be yelling at you for ruining her funeral.”

“How the fuck would you know? You never met her.”

“Because I know women, and somehow, they always do the opposite of what we think they would want. So, if you’re beating yourself up, she’s probably up there wondering why you’re beating yourself up over her, when you never really loved her and your little girl needs all the attention right now.”

A heavy sigh left my body. “I didn’t, did I?”

“Not really, but I think you wanted to.”

I glanced out of the corner of my eye at him. “How did you know?”

“Because if you had loved her, you wouldn’t have waited five fucking years to go after her.” He shook his head slightly. “Honestly, I think after all the shit Rafe put us through, I think we’re all desperate for something normal. You saw your shot with Leah. That’s not a bad thing.”

“Just too fucking late,” I muttered.

“But you have one hell of a little girl waiting for you, and she already thinks the world of you. You just have to let yourself be happy with that for now. The rest will come in time.”

He shoved to his feet and held his hand out to me. Grabbing it, I allowed him to help me up, then pulled him in for a hug, grateful I hadn’t lost him after what Rafe did to him.

“Yeah, this is really fucking sweet,” Johnny drawled. “Can we get some beer now?”