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19

IZZY

I watched as he took charge, ordering people around with just one look. It was impressive. Zavala used to do that, but with him, it was always with the threat of violence. I didn’t think Jason was actually going to hurt any of these men. At least, I really hoped not. It was just a couch, after all.

Don’t ever fucking bow your head to another man. Got it?

For thirteen years, all I did was obey Zavala. I did whatever he wanted so I didn’t get whipped or beaten. I didn’t want to get thrown in the dungeon again. Yet, here Jason was, telling me to do the exact opposite of what I was trained to do. I couldn’t just flip that switch off. I didn’t know how to.

“Izzy,” he said, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Do you want the pillows?”

If I said yes, would that cause a problem? I licked my lips, wondering if I should tell him no, just to be on the safe side. But when I looked into his eyes, it gave me the courage to speak the truth.

“I want them.”

His eyes lit with approval just before he turned back to the man. Slumping down onto the couch, I draped my hand over my forehead. I was wiped out. Who knew shopping could drain someone of so much energy? Trying to change myself was exhausting.

“Nice couch,” Vira grinned, plopping down beside me.

“Do you really like it?”

“It doesn’t matter if I do. What do you think?”

“Well…” I started to second-guess myself. Did I really choose the right one? It was grey. Was that too drab of a color? Would I regret not going with beige?

“Maybe I should have gone with white.”

She made a gagging sound. “Yuck. White shows everything. Besides, this couch is comfy. I think you chose well.”

“I thought you said your opinion didn’t matter.”

She wiggled around to get comfy. “It didn’t until you started rethinking every choice you made in the past half hour.”

I wondered why Vira was so nice to me. It was strange that a woman like her would willingly hang out with someone like me. Then again, she was under protection. She didn’t really have anyone else to hang out with. She didn’t seem to get along with most of the wives, or maybe she just didn’t try. Either way, she seemed perfectly content to hang out with me.

Damaged, fucked up me.

“Why are you shopping with me?”

The words spilled out before I had a chance to think it over.

“Well, we need furniture.” She shifted and glanced over at me. “What do you really want to ask me?”

I didn’t want to sound ungrateful, but… “You’ve seen you.”

“I generally look in the mirror, yes,” she grinned.

“And you’ve seen me.”

“You know, since you got out of the mental institution, you’re very intuitive.”

“Why me?”

“You could flip that around at any time,” she chuckled.

I had to laugh at that. “Are you kidding? You’re so confident and beautiful and?—”

“Other women tend to hate that. And I’ve made a lot of enemies over the years. I’m what some would consider an acquired taste.”

I really didn’t want to pry. “Why?”

She seemed to drift off into thought for a moment. Her eyes filled with joy for the slightest moment before turning sad. “You know how other people like relationships and kids and the white picket fence?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve never been one of those. I told you about Sean. That didn’t end well, and it also caused some problems between him and his perfect wife. They weren’t married at the time, but—it doesn’t matter.”

“Why was she perfect?”

She sighed. “Religious. Wonderful laugh, full of life in the way he wanted, willing to risk her heart…Basically, the opposite of me.”

“And what’s wrong with you?” I really didn’t understand why she was being so hard on herself.

“I happen to believe nothing is wrong with me,” she grinned, but there was a crack in that strong exterior. I could see it behind her eyes. She just didn’t want me to know it was there.

“Do you mind if I ask why you’re under protection?”

“Well, that’s a long, boring story that requires a bottle of wine.”

“We don’t have any wine.”

“No, but we can get some. I’m sure Jason would be willing to pick up a bottle or two for us.”

I still didn’t get it. Even as we sat here on the couch and she did everything possible to drag me out of my shell, it was clear that we had nothing in common. Yet, she was here with me, being my friend when no one else in the world would come near me. Well, that wasn’t true. Eva came near me, but that was because she was family. Could I say the same if she wasn’t around?

My gaze flicked to Jason. He leaned against the counter, his long, muscular frame taking up so much space. He was so dominant and… I couldn’t think of the right word. There was this warning light going off in my head, telling me to stay away, that I would only get hurt. But the other half of my brain was telling me he was nothing like Zavala. I’d seen him interact with his little girl. I remembered the way he cared for me when he walked in on me after my lowest moment. A man like that wouldn’t hurt me.

He couldn’t.

I wanted so desperately to believe that he was nothing like Zavala, that I could trust a man again to be in my life and not have him ruin me. But they were alike in so many ways, and that had me backing away.

“Ready?” Jason asked.

I blinked up at him, completely caught off guard. “I haven’t paid.”

“It’s taken care of.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I took care of it.”

“But it’s my furniture.”

He shrugged like it was no big deal, but it was. I shoved to my feet, my heart pounding in my chest as I stared at him. My fists clenched together as I fought to say the words. Would he hit me? Zavala would have the second I got angry.

Do this for yourself.

I took a calming breath and gathered up the courage. “While I appreciate that you convinced the man to sell the furniture, I need to pay for it myself.”

“I only?—”

“It’s mine! I need this,” I snapped, nearly losing it. I closed my eyes, fighting back the panic. Oh, God. He was going to hit me. I knew it. I could practically feel his fist swinging at me, the whoosh of air just before impact. A dizzying feeling washed over me as I started to hyperventilate.

But just then, I felt his fingers brush over my clenched fist. My fingers were pried open until his gently intertwined with mine.

My eyes flew open and I stared into his chocolate eyes, focusing solely on them. He breathed deeply, then released that breath, squeezing my hand in the process. I blinked, taking a ragged breath with him, then releasing it. Again, he squeezed my hand.

Over and over, he stayed with me, breathing with me until I calmed down. He hadn’t hit me. He hadn’t gotten upset. He just…stood there with me. I swallowed hard as tears burned my eyes with humiliation.

I ducked my head, no longer able to look him in the eye after yelling at him, then having a breakdown. But he didn’t let me hide. His fingers lifted my chin once again and he didn’t let go until I opened my eyes.

“What did I tell you about looking away from men?”

His words were soft yet strong, reminding me that I shouldn’t cower to anyone.

“I paid together so it would be faster. I’m sorry. Would you like to write me a check?”

Though my heart had calmed to a normal pace, words still escaped me, so I jerked my head up and down in some semblance of a nod.

“Okay. Ready to go? Or do you have something else you want to get?”

I was pretty sure I had embarrassed myself enough for one day. “We should go.”

He turned and walked away, leaving me alone with Vira, who I had completely forgotten was even here. She sauntered over to me, fanning herself.

“Girl, I feel like I just watched a porno.”

My gaze jerked to hers in confusion. “What?”

“That.” She motioned between the two of us. “Amazing chemistry.”

“You mean when I yelled at him? Or when I nearly passed out?”

“How about when he took your hand in his and held you until you practically melted into him?” She twirled a piece of hair around her finger and grinned. “I’m just saying…he wouldn’t be the worst man to take to bed.”

* * *

Vira’s words played on repeat in my head the whole way home. I couldn’t even look at Jason without thinking about what she said. But she was wrong. Jason didn’t look at me that way, and I was not even close to being in the right frame of mind to look at any man like…well, in a sexual way.

Nothing about sex with Zavala had been pleasurable. There were times I told myself I was enjoying it, pretending that we were actually in love so it wouldn’t feel like what it was.

Rape.

When I thought back over the last year, how I fawned over him and mourned his loss, it disgusted me. That man had tormented me, raped me, and brutalized me for so many years. How had I ever let him take over my mind like that?

My eyes flicked over to Jason as he pulled down the drive of OPS. How would I ever look at another man without fearing that he would turn into another version of Zavala? Even someone like Jason, who had just spent the day with me, helping me pick out furniture—how could I ever believe that he would never hurt me?

Even Rafe attacked me.

He was trying to help you.

I knew that. Deep down inside, I knew Rafe beat me so badly to force Zavala’s hand—to get me off the island. He was saving my life. But that look in his eyes…the cold gaze that I could still feel when I closed my eyes at night prevented me from truly being able to move past what he did.

Again, I looked at Jason, but this time, he saw me staring. I quickly glanced away, but I’d already been caught. As soon as we reached the house, I had the door to his truck open and was hopping out. Unfortunately, he was faster than me and was already at the front of the truck waiting for me.

“I’ll mail you the check,” I blurted out.

His lips twitched in amusement. “Mail me the check? We live on the same property.”

Yes, I realized how silly it sounded. I took a step back toward the steps, needing some space. Vira’s words once again rolled around in my head. My cheeks flushed as he shoved his hands in his pockets, forcing his biceps to flex.

“I’ll just stick the check in the mailbox. That’s what I meant. Not that I’dactually mail it. That would be silly.”

He nodded in amusement, but didn’t try to come closer. “Carli wants to spend time with you.”

“Uh…I’m busy. Trying to get the house together,” I rambled, backing up further. The last thing I needed was an attachment to his little girl. That would only make things worse.

He was watching me strangely, as was Vira. I knew I was freaking out, and both of them were probably thinking that I was having some sort of meltdown. I most definitely was. Just not the kind they were imagining.

“She won’t stay away for long,” he called out.

A week. That was all I needed to get my act together. Just a little space to forget about what Vira said and get these thoughts out of my head. I wasn’t ready for any of it.

“I’ll see you around.” Before I could make a bigger fool of myself, I turned and fled up the stairs, turning the knob to fling the door open. But it wouldn’t turn. It was locked.

Of course it was. My eyes slipped closed in embarrassment. This was so humiliating. I didn’t even bring my key because I never used it. Vira had the keys. Hell, up until yesterday, I never even left the house, and since we moved, I hadn’t bothered to attach the new key to my ring.

“Need some help?” Vira asked, walking up the steps. I wanted to punch her for the laughter in her voice.

“I don’t have my key.”

“I figured.” She lowered her voice as she slid the lock inside the keyhole. “So, you want to tell me why you fled like your hair was on fire?”

“Because you put images in my head,” I hissed. “Images I’m not ready for!”

“Stay calm,” she said through clenched teeth. “Turn around and smile. Wave. Pretend everything is fine.”

“Clearly, it isn’t.”

“Do you want him to come up here and insist he stick around until he’s sure you’re not going to end up in a psychotic state again?”

I spun around and plastered a smile on my face. “Thanks for taking me shopping!” I said cheerily.

“Too much. Way too much,” she muttered. “Just go inside.”

I slipped past her, relieved when I was out of sight. I waited by the window, peeking around the edge to see if he would leave. It took a minute. He stared at the door for a good thirty seconds before he finally turned and got in his truck. I didn’t breathe right until he backed out and left.

“Oh, thank God!” I sank to the ground, ducking my head between my legs.

“Wow, you’re really bad at this,” Vira chuckled.

I scowled at her. “Bad at this? I wasn’t doing anything. You started saying things that I don’t need to hear right now. I just got out of the psych ward. The last thing I need to think about is another man.”

“Girl, all you need to think about is another man. One who can give you proper orgasms. And that man can definitely check all the boxes.”

No matter what kind of look I tossed her way, it didn’t phase her. She just went on her merry way, not even considering the fact that she just pushed me off a cliff and into a river with no life jacket.

“I don’t need a man to check boxes. I need…I need…”

“Orgasms. The word you’re looking for is orgasms,” she said pointedly.

I got to my feet and stared at her, not even knowing what to do. I never stood up for myself. I never talked back to anyone. I didn’t even know how to argue with her.

“Vira, I would appreciate it if in the future you would not say things like that to me. I’m trying to get my head on straight, and the last thing I need to think about is men.”

She cocked her head at me and smirked. “We’ll see.”

Then she turned and sauntered out of the room.