Page 29 of A Vow of Embers

“Or a family home here,” I interrupted her.

“Yes.” Io nodded, looking faintly chagrined. “You’ve been given special permission to visit the goddess’s statue in the temple today.”

“What am I supposed to sacrifice?”

“Sometimes people burn something personal to them, or maybe a toy from their childhood to show how they are changing from girl to woman. It’s not uncommon to offer a lock of your hair when asking for her favor and protection.”

I pressed my lips together. I was certainly giving my hair away freely after just getting it back. Although I supposed it would have been worse if my hair were still short. I would have had to cut a big chunk out of it and I would have looked ridiculous.

Not that it would have mattered. My groom had already let me know how unappealing he found me. I could have probably shaved my head entirely, for all that he would care.

“After you’re done in the temple, join us in my brother’s house and we will help you get dressed,” Io instructed.

I nodded, thankful that the end of my time here would be spent with my adelphia. I headed directly to the temple and entered the main room. The guard at the top of the stairs inclined her head at me, obviously expecting me. She allowed me to go down the steps. It was strange being here by myself again. The first time I had come here with Maia and my adelphia. The second time I had snuck in—but this time I was allowed.

Someone had already lit a fire in the pit near the statue. I pulled out my xiphos and cut another length of my hair and threw it onto the fire.

I knelt before the statue, who looked just as I remembered. A cloth veil hung over her face, and she wore an expensive cloth tunic. I knew the proper format for prayer, but in this moment? I needed to speak like myself.

“This marriage is a farce. You know it’s not real, I know it’s not real. But I’m here to make a sacrifice because of it. I’m sure there’re some specific words I’m supposed to say. Asking for your favor and protection. Which I definitely need. And if giving you some of my hair makes that possible, then I’m glad to do it.”

The scent of that burning hair reached me and I scrunched up my nose. “I’m confused about so many things. I don’t know if I’m going against your will by getting married. I didn’t have a choice, though. And I hope you won’t punish me for it. I also don’t know if my hair growing is a sign from you that you approve, like my sisters seem to think.”

I let out a sigh before continuing. “I know you used to let priestesses get married and I don’t understand why it changed, which means you might be fine with me being wed. But if you do actually approve of marriage, why would you be happy that I was marrying this man? He’s terrible and I wish I didn’t have to go through with it. If you wanted to send a giant wave or an earthquake to stop this wedding from happening, I would not complain.”

There was a noise above me and I hesitated, wondering if someone was going to come and retrieve me. Maybe I’d only been allotted a certain amount of time. But after several silent moments, I resumed my prayer. “I don’t know what it is you want from me. I don’t know how to interpret signs. Maybe it’s because I didn’t grow up worshipping you and so I don’t recognize them. If you’re responsible for my hair growing, I don’t understand what it’s supposed to mean. If you created those dreams, I don’t understand those, either. Or why you would do it. I think unless someone explains it clearly to me, using small words, I’m not going to get it.”

I glanced up at the statue. I didn’t know what I hoped to see. Nothing had changed.

“As always, please help me to find the eye and save Locris. Let this be over quickly and let me return home. I will teach my people about you and we will worship you again. Thank you.” I started to stand but got back down on my knees. “And please keep my adelphia and my entire family safe.”

This might be the last time I would be in this room. I stood up and waited for a response.

But there was no feeling of love this time. I didn’t hear my name. There was just empty silence and it frustrated me. I felt a bit abandoned. I wanted her reassurance. I needed to know that I had her approval.

Maybe the goddess was angry that I was marrying against the vow I had taken. I thought hard about the exact wording that Maia had used when I’d given my vows.

I had promised to be celibate and not have sex. I wasn’t allowed to be devoted to a husband or a child.

I would be fine on both counts.

But there hadn’t been any wording forbidding me from getting married.

Why hadn’t I realized that at the time?

It sounded as if I could get married just so long as I didn’t consummate it with my husband or fall in love with him. Perhaps the marriage part was implied, as married people bedded and loved one another.

Not having anything else to say, I walked back up the stairs. I nodded at the waiting guard and headed out into the courtyard, still thinking about this realization. If I wasn’t breaking the goddess’s law, then it didn’t make any sense that she would be unhappy with me.

I still had to consider the sudden hair growth, too. Given my adelphia’s reaction, this was not a normal occurrence for brides or something that just happened here in Ilion. It had to mean something.

“I’m glad you’re leaving.”

Artemisia’s voice cut through my internal pondering and I turned to look at her. She was waiting by the fountain, alone.

“You never belonged here,” she added.

How did she know I was leaving? It wasn’t as if the high priestess had made some kind of announcement. In fact, the day at the temple was proceeding as normal, with everyone going about their routines. Theano wouldn’t be able to hide it forever. The other priestesses and acolytes had seen the siege. They had heard the demand that I marry the prince. What would they assume when I was gone?