Page 193 of A Vow of Embers

I didn’t feel scared now, but I did feel every bit as out of control. He was being soft and kind and appealing and I didn’t know how to deal with it.

“This is how it should have been,” he said, as if he could read my thoughts. “This was what I wanted to do on our wedding night. You were so desirable but so untouchable. You’ll never know how you tormented me. The way I ached, the pain, the fever that consumed me,how I thought I would die because I wasn’t allowed to touch you. You’re an exquisite torture, my little princess.”

Again his words filled me with a heady, burning desire. We had to stop. “And yet you keep telling me that you don’t want me,” I said.

His fingers paused on my laces. “What? When did I say that?”

The memories of his rejections were still imprinted deeply. “When the high priestess said I would have to remain a maiden, you said it wouldn’t be a concern.”

“Because I have willpower. Much less than I originally thought, but I do.” His gaze met mine in the mirror, urging me to believe him.

“That day you looked at me like you were repulsed by me.” My voice caught on the last word.

“I was angry with you. And I was angry with myself for still wanting you despite knowing what you had done to jeopardize my throne and my sister.”

Oh. I supposed that made sense, but those weren’t the only times he’d rejected me. “The morning after our wedding, you laughed when the matron said you were lucky to have a beautiful wife.”

“She said a beautiful andsweetwife. I laughed that she thought you were sweet. Sweet-tasting, yes, but sweet in temperament, no.”

His explanations somehow made things worse. My mind seized on his worst offense. “The night that I snuck out, after, when we were ... angrily kissing, you stopped and said you didn’t want me.”

His hands went to my shoulders and he turned me around so that he could stare into my eyes. I saw only honesty on his face, and that worried me almost as much as everything else happening.

“I said I didn’t want to because your first time shouldn’t have been born out of anger. You deserve affection.” He took my hands and raised them to his lips, kissing them softly. My heart leapt at the contact. “Gentleness. Caring.”

“And you could give that to me?”

“I can. I would, if you would allow it. In our dreams you usually didn’t let things go past a certain point. So when you said yes ... Isuppose I wasn’t prepared for how that would feel. Not to mention your vows and the contract I signed with your high priestess. It was a struggle to remember myself.”

“Nothing has changed. Both my vows and your promise still stand.”

His eyes darkened at me and I saw a muscle flicker in his jaw. “Your high priestess is not in the room with us now. And those other things don’t matter when it comes to us and what we do to each other. You forget that I know how fiery you are, how much passion simmers just beneath the surface. The sounds you make when I’m kissing you, how much you enjoy pleasure. I think about it often. Too often. It fills my thoughts even when I should be doing other things. That you are my wife and I cannot be with you because of an oath you made.”

“And a promise you made,” I reminded him.

“At our wedding I swore to give myself wholly to you. My vows as a husband supersede any other promises,” he said lowly. He kissed my hands again. “I can’t believe that you’ve ever once thought that I didn’t want you. The morning after our wedding, when you got out of the bath, your hair dripping, the sheet clinging to you, every part of you so clearly outlined, you were like the goddess herself emerging from the deeps. If it were not blasphemy, I would have fallen to my knees and worshipped you. Carried you back to our bed and buried myself deep inside you, over and over again.”

A wave of desperate longing threatened to engulf me.

“Is this another game?” I asked, needing to protect myself if he was setting me up again. “Like when you were in the bath, the night of my meeting with Quynh. The way you mocked me after you invited me to join you.”

“That was no game,” he said. “I tried to save my pride by pretending that it was, but if you had gotten into the pool, I would have consummated our marriage. Nothing would have stopped me.”

My heart felt like it had been immersed in flame. “But my sister was coming.”

“She could have waited. She wouldn’t have had to wait long. I’m afraid it would have been over too quickly,” he said in a self-deprecating way.

“You wanted me that night?”

“That night ... now—I always want you. And there is one way for you to be able to tell whether or not I desire you,” he said. “Would you like to know what it is?”

Chapter Sixty-Three

I nodded, my heart racing as I thought I could guess where this was headed and was eager at the prospect.

He leaned in to whisper in my ear. “There is physical evidence. A part of me that cannot lie to you, and when you feel it hard against you, you will know how desired you are.”

I felt it now. I pulled back and looked down. My heart began to flap inside my chest, like a bird caught in a cage. “Can I ...” I gulped and forced the words out. “Can I touch you?”