Page 175 of A Vow of Embers

I wanted to hope that we had won, but he had repeatedly told me that his stepmother was a very clever woman. “She might get more money from Locris.”

He put his hands behind his head, which made the muscles in his arms and chest stretch, and I forgot to breathe for a moment. “From what you’ve told me, it doesn’t sound like there’s more money to be had.”

That was true. “What about Pelias? He might give her funds. Maybe enough to hold off the other archons.”

“I have already sent some spies to investigate his financial situation. After hearing what Lykaon is spending on hetaerae last night, I suspect that Pelias’s fortune may not be as vast as it once was.”

“Themis mentioned that she had more money than him,” I said. “Aren’t you worried that the archons will wonder who sent them the notes? That it might make them more paranoid?”

He shrugged my concern away. My hair hung across his chest, and seemingly without thinking, he reached out and took a lock, running the ends over his thumb. It was a surprisingly intimate gesture. “Or the archons who can’t be bribed will become suspicious of the others. I think sowing seeds of discord will help us. It will certainly keep Erisa from having a strong hold on them.”

Then as if he realized what he’d been doing, he let go of my hair and got out of bed. “I’m going to get ready.”

He went into the washroom and I collapsed back, spreading my arms out wide. I was glad our scheme seemed to be working, but all I could think about was that there was no way I could sleep in his arms every night. I wasn’t strong enough for that.

But it felt again like I had two conflicting things to choose between: If I refused without a good reason, it might let him know how much power he held over me—a weakness I wasn’t willing to expose. Even with all the bad things I knew about him, I still desired him.

That voice hadn’t needed to instruct me to let him hold me. It probably knew I was all too willing.

But staying away from him might make me have a nightmare, and I didn’t want him to keep seeing my memories and deepest secrets.

Which meant I had to let him hold me. Night after night ...

I feared that very soon there might only be four virgin acolytes in the palace instead of five.

Chapter Fifty-Seven

After Xander had left, there was a knock at my door. Ahyana entered when I called out, and she did so alone.

“I was hoping to speak with you,” she said, and I gripped the back of my chair. I wasn’t sure I could handle bad news right now. I gestured toward the opposite chair and she sat.

So did I, after mentally preparing myself.

“A few months ago, before you arrived at the temple, I was working with Meli. She was the priestess who oversaw the bees and their hives. I was gathering honey and accidentally spilled it on top of some bees. Five of them were trapped. I thought they had drowned and died. I felt so guilty.”

I frowned. This wasn’t what I had thought she was going to say.

“Meli told me to leave them be, and to just watch. I kept checking back on them. They were quickly surrounded by their sisters from the hive, who cleaned those trapped bees, clearing the honey from their bodies until eventually all five could fly again. Those trapped bees lived because they were surrounded by their sisters, who would not give up on them. Had refused to let them drown and persisted until they were all free.”

Was this a rebuke? She must have already spoken to Rokh about how I’d left my adelphia behind to go with Xander. When had she seen him? The prince and I had slept in this morning. Perhaps it had been early.

“I understand your ‘one for many’ mentality. That you want to do everything alone. As if it’s your burden and no one else can help you lift it. And that you think we’re drifting apart.”

“We are drifting apart,” I said. She had to feel it, too.

She shook her head. “Our adelphia is a family. We are meant to do things together. You need your sisters.”

This felt a bit hypocritical to me. “Aren’t you planning on leaving us?”

“Not for a long time,” she said. “And until then, I am sworn to you and the others, and that is not something I take lightly. Those vows at least are real and true. I can’t explain why I feel this way, but I know that we are supposed to work together. Something is coming and we have to rely on each other. That it will be the only way we can survive.”

I remembered the words from last night.Darkness is coming.

My chest burned with the rightness of what she was saying. I shouldn’t have left the others behind last night. Despite what Xander had said, I could have insisted. Or done what I had threatened and snuck out of the palace, bringing my adelphia with me.

And I suspected that the reasons why I hadn’t were selfish ones. Not only because I welcomed the chance to be alone with Xander, but also because I still didn’t want to need or rely on anyone else.

Quynh was going to leave me. Ahyana had said she was also planning to. I saw how miserable Zalira was. Perhaps in sensing an end, I had sought to hasten it in order to protect my own heart.