Page 194 of A Vow of Embers

Xander’s eyes went half-lidded and his chest moved more quickly. “If you’d like.”

He let go of my hands. I reached down to brush my fingers against him and he let out a strangled groan.

I immediately jerked my hand away. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, you did not.”

Oh. My pulse beat harder as I realized that he had enjoyed it.

“You and that damned curiosity of yours,” he said in a tone that sounded both exasperated and aroused. He roughly turned me back around so that he could resume working on my laces. He was moving more quickly this time. “Do you know what happens between a man and a woman in bed?”

Again his words alone filled me with yearning and my skin felt too hot and tight.

“I ...” I did not want to say his sister’s name right now. “It was explained to me. And that Ilionian men take their pleasure and do not care about the woman.”

Everything was becoming too real and a part of my brain searched for a way to end this. To find an excuse that would get us both to stop and remember ourselves.

It didn’t work.

“There are men like that everywhere,” he said. “I’m not one of them. I will bring you pleasure upon pleasure first before I seek my own. And mine will be much enhanced because of how much you’ve already enjoyed it.”

I saw my cheeks redden at his words as my internal temperature continued to rise. Io certainly hadn’t mentioned that.

“How many damn knots are in this thing?” he demanded. He was not the type to curse, and it made me realize how real his desires were, how desperately he wanted me.

“Why is this happening now?” I asked, still confused.

“Maybe I’m tired of fighting. Of resisting what we both so clearly want.”

He was stating it as if it were a fact, when he had been the one who had mocked me so many times before. “You called me weak for responding to you.”

“It was meant to hide how weak I am for you. How a simple touch from you has me so hard and desperate that I don’t think I’ll ever recover. You have no idea the power you have over me. How I would give anything if you would only put your hands on me. Your lips. Your tongue. I would scale any mountain, cross any sea, slay any dragon, just for the chance to be with you. I would let you break me apart and rebuild me any way that you wished. You constantly fight with me over everything, determined to win, without realizing that you already have.”

I had no defense against him when he was like this. No way to stop what felt completely inevitable. As if every moment in my life had led to this moment.

This man.

He could demand everything from me and I would give it to him.

“I was told that men cared only about the physical aspect. That they needed only a place and a willing participant.”

His hands stilled briefly. “Do you think that’s what this is?”

“I don’t know. I have no experience with any of this. No frame of reference. This is all completely new to me.”

“Do you need to hear everything I admire about you? How delighted I am by your cunning and clever mind, how you constantly surprise me even when I think I know exactly what you’re thinking? How much I respect your kindness and generosity, your loyalty, your bravery, your devotion to those you care about? Your selflessness? How I adore your insatiable curiosity and appetites? It’s not just your body that I want. I would have it along with your mind, your heart, and your soul.”

His words burned a path inside me, making me feel seen and exposed and vulnerable. How could I stop this before we went too far?

“What if I ... what if I told you I wanted a baby?” It was the only thing I could come up with. He had so easily dismissed our sworn promises, and I had let him. There had to be another obstacle, a way to convince myself to prevent this from happening. To cool my overheated ardor. When he responded badly, then I would have the strength to stop.

“I will give you a dozen, if that’s what you want.”

The men of my regiment in Locris had talked constantly about not wanting to be saddled with a child, and I had expected a different answer from Xander. The fact that he was willing ... it might have swayed me more than anything. Our relationship wasn’t real and it would end. I was going to return to Locris.

But what if he could give me a child? I could take it back home with me and raise it with my family. Surely the goddess would understand. She used to let her priestesses be married and have children. It couldn’t be so great a transgression that she would cut me off.

But was that a risk I was willing to take?