Page 67 of When Ben Loved Jace (He Loved Him #2)

Jace and I are sitting at the end of a dock, an expanse of wooded lake spread out before us.

We aren’t alone in these tranquil surroundings.

Ducks form a semi-circle in the water, like an audience expecting a performance.

Or a small mob who have gathered to demand a free meal.

A bag of white bread sits between my husband and me, already half empty.

We needed this. Since learning of the two previously occult aneurysms—as he has taken to calling them—Jace has been doing constant research, picking up so much medical jargon that I often have a difficult time understanding him.

Which can be a blessing, considering that he never seems to focus on positive news.

I always return home to a darkened living room, the glow of a laptop screen the only light as he delves into medical journals and pores over clinical trials.

That hasn’t been good for our relationship.

Steering conversation away to other subjects is difficult, when the only work I’m doing right now is at the hospital.

That gives him way too many opportunities to divert back to his favorite topic.

After I communicated these grievances to my mom, my parents came to the rescue.

They booked us into the little cabin where we’ve been staying the past few days.

Even the drive out here was refreshing, offering a literal change of scenery.

Best of all, Samson was able to make the trip with us.

That’s especially fortuitous, because there are plenty of bugs in the cabin that need vanquishing. He’s a happy boy.

So am I. Jace and I have gone on walks, made love repeatedly, reminisced over our favorite memories, and reconnected while being cut off from the world in the best way possible.

We don’t get a signal out here. The cabin only has a landline.

That means no internet to prey on our worst fears in the name of increasing ad revenue.

Jace still needs frequent naps. So do I.

I’ve been carrying around more stress than I realized. I feel much lighter now.

As for my man, he still gets a little morose on occasion. “I talked to Adrien before we left town,” Jace says, tearing off a pinch of bread and throwing it to one of the shyer ducks in the back. “I went to his office. ”

“What for?” I ask in surprise. He doesn’t go many places these days. Not alone.

“To make sure everything is taken care of.” Jace’s eyes flick to mine. “Just in case.”

“Well I hope you left the fortune cookie collection to me in your will,” I reply drolly. “It’s the only reason I married you.”

A smile tugs at his cheek. “You get everything, don’t worry. That wasn’t my main concern. I left instructions, so you’ll know what to do after I’m gone. I don’t want to be buried in a box underground.”

I take out my annoyance on a piece of bread by ripping it into shreds. “That’s probably for the best, since they won’t be able to pry me off of your cold dead body. Now would you please let it rest? You aren’t going to die!”

“You know the odds,” he says softly. “If I suffer another rupture, especially before I’ve recovered from the first, I’m not likely to pull through. Even if I do, after all of the inevitable complications, who will I be then?”

“My husband,” I reply, trying to set my frustration aside… along with the subject. “Watch this. Mana from heaven!”

I shower the ducks in white bread confetti. They go wild.

Jace watches the flurry of activity. I study his pensive face.

“I’d be with Victor again,” he says. “One way or another. Remember that, because I don’t want you to be sad.”

I roll my eyes. “Sorry, but ‘til death do us part was not one of our vows. Whenever you do die—hopefully a very long time from now—you’ll still be mine. You don’t get to have hot ghost sex with your ex-boyfriend.

There’s no harem of virgins waiting for you on the other side, Jace.

I’ve got my own lawyer. He’s a gay poltergeist who will make sure you uphold your side of the bargain.

Don’t mess with me on this. Divorce court is especially bad in the afterlife. In fact, I’ve heard it can be Hell .”

He laughs. “I want you to be happy. That’s all I’m trying to say. Speaking of which, when you feel ready… If you happen to meet someone—”

“That’s enough!” I snap, cutting him off. “You’ve spent the past two weeks planning for the worst. Dying is just one possibility. What if you live? How about our future together? Why aren’t you focusing on that?”

“Because it’s almost scarier to think about,” he says with a croak. “What if I still feel the way I do now? I’m always tired, and my memory is shot. My career as a flight attendant is over.” He swallows and shakes his head. “I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

I scoot closer, setting aside the loaf of bread. “You could always work in a darkroom developing photos.”

“What?”

“That way you won’t have to deal with light sensitivity and nobody will notice if you nod off. And who needs a good memory with so many photos around?”

He looks at me incredulously. “Is that even a job anymore?”

I snort. “Probably not. Personally, I’m cool with you being my stay-at-home love slave, but I understand that you need a sense of purpose. What else did you want to be when growing up?”

“A nurse,” he says. “Can you put me through medical school?”

“I’ll start saving. What else?”

He thinks about it while watching the ducks jostle for position. “I’ve always loved animals. When I was younger, I avoided that kind of thing because I didn’t want to see them suffer.”

“What do you mean?”

“Veterinarians have to deal with emotionally difficult situations. I didn’t feel like I could handle it, but after having gone through my recent ordeal…

I have a newfound respect for all the doctors and nurses who are able to stomach that kind of work.

Through their resilience they alleviate suffering.

I wouldn’t mind returning the favor.” He takes a deep breath and sighs.

“We’re back to the same issue. The last thing either of us needs is another student loan. ”

“No, but you could volunteer.”

Jace shakes his head. “That won’t pay the bills.”

“So what? I want you to be happy. I plan on keeping my jobs. I like both of them. If you being able to volunteer at an animal shelter means we have to sell the house, then so be it. We can park the trailer in Adrien’s driveway again, or better yet, in Greg and Michelle’s backyard.

You know they'd let us. We’ll offer to babysit their kids whenever they want. We’ll be the best uncles ever!”

Jace smiles. “I like that idea. There’s only one flaw. If we’re hogging the trailer, where is Jason going to live after we adopt him?”

“You mean foster him,” I correct .

“I thought we were planning our future.”

I search his eyes. “You want to adopt him?”

He nods. “Yeah. Why not?”

“Okay.” Laughter burbles out of me. “We’ll have to buy a second trailer. Or he can live in Greg and Michelle’s house, like a normal person. We’ll find a way.”

“He mentioned wanting a dog,” Jace says. “Am I remembering that correctly?”

I nod. “I’m sure you won’t make it long as a volunteer before bringing one home. Sounds like we’re going to have quite the little family, huh?”

“I’m just getting started,” Jace says. “That trailer was meant to be out on the road. I won’t be a flight attendant anymore, but I still want to travel. Let’s talk about family road trips. Jason can sleep in the car. We’ll bring a tent along too.”

“Perfect!” I shift to face him. “Where do you want to go first?”

We continue sitting there, tossing dreams into the world like the bread we cast out onto the water, the gleeful quacking of our audience matching the joy in my heart.

— — —

I’m brushing my teeth when Jace pads into the bathroom, his hair still wet from the shower we took together. I watch him approach in the mirror, amazed that I still find his naked body so alluring. I’ll never tire of it. Despite his best efforts, I always want more.

“Come get into bed with me,” he suggests.

“I’ll be late for work,” I reply after spitting into the sink.

“Tell them you got a flat tire.” His arms wrap around me, a hand loosening the towel around my waist until it drops to the floor, allowing our skin to touch even more. “Please. I need you.”

Work can wait. I bend over to rinse my mouth, shaking my rump while doing so.

Jace laughs. When I turn around, he kisses me.

Then, my hand in his, he leads me back to the bedroom, which is filled with sunlight.

I almost forgot how beautiful that can be.

I’ve grown accustomed to our house being shrouded in darkness.

After flopping onto the bed, he reaches for me. I notice that his face is strained.

“Do you want me to pull the curtains? ”

“I’m all right.”

“It’s the neighbors I’m worried about,” I reply, crawling in after him.

“Let them bear witness to our love.”

I start to roll over, wanting him to take me into his arms like he always does. I make a great little spoon. Jace seems to have other plans, because he shakes his head. “I want to look at you.”

He’s lying on his side. I settle down while facing him. Jace reaches out to stroke my hair. A shiver races across my skin when the tips of his fingers caress an ear. His eyes dance with mine, waltzing deeper into their depths. I hide nothing. Everything I feel for him is right there for him to see.

“I adore you,” he says, his voice hoarse. “You’re the light of my life.”

“You’re not so bad yourself,” I reply playfully.

His smile is sad, tears breaking free. He can be so vulnerable as of late. So can I. The thought of losing him, even the remotest possibility…

I wipe away the tears, my thumb lingering to stroke his cheek, and bring my face so close to his that our noses touch. “I love you,” I whisper.

His chin trembles. Then he kisses me, inhaling deep through his nostrils while keeping his lips pressed against mine, like he wants to breathe me in. “I love you too, Ben,” he murmurs, leaving his forehead resting against mine. “Never forget that.”

“I won’t,” I promise him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Since the day I first saw you.”

He reaches for my hand and places it over his heart, which is pounding for me. I do the same, matching his intensity with every beat. Our gazes remain locked, years seeming to pass in a small eternity for us alone. Well… almost.

Soft padded feet press down on my rib cage. I hear a warm rumbling purr as Samson takes another step—a meowing bridge over the valley of our bodies.

“He says you’ll have to call in sick,” Jace translates.

“Those claws!” I hiss.

Jace is grimacing too. He kisses me again, the pained expression not leaving his face, but I don’t know if it’s physical or emotional. A little of both maybe .

“Will you hold me?” he asks.

I swallow and nod.

Samson hops off as Jace rolls over. I raise my head and watch the cat settle down against my husband’s chest, secure in the curve of his arm.

Then I kiss Jace’s shoulder before pressing against him from behind, sunlight warming our bodies and making my limbs feel heavy.

My hand seeks out his. Worries grow distant as I drift off in a blissful haze.

When I awake again, Jace is trembling. I raise my head in concern and notice the sun has moved on from his side of the bed. He must be cold.

“I’ll get the blanket,” I say, trying to rise.

Jace clenches my hand possessively. “Ben…”

“I’m here,” I assure him, placing a kiss on the small of his back. Jace breathes out and relaxes. His fingers go slack, freeing mine.

I slide my hand out from under his and roll over to check my phone.

I really need to call work. Almost an hour has passed.

I swear under my breath while pinching the bridge of my nose.

When I reach for the blanket at the end of the bed, I notice that Samson is standing on Jace, his paws kneading, but my husband doesn’t react to the prickle of those claws. He isn’t moving at all.

“Jace?”

No response.

“Jace!”

I pull on his shoulder until he’s on his back.

Jace’s eyes are closed, his face serene.

His chest fails to rise. The beat of his heart has fallen silent when I drape myself over him and begin to wail.

My tears don’t rouse him. Clinging to my husband fails to warm him again.

I try anyway, because I don’t want to accept the cruel reality.

Minutes, hours, or days pass, I’m not sure.

Time is meaningless to me. I’d rather stay here forever and fade away than confront the horrible truth.

He’s gone. My man, my precious angel, the love of my life. Taken from me, along with my will to live. I don’t know how I’ll ever recover. The only thing that is certain, when I finally pick up Samson and leave the room, shutting the door behind me, is that my broken heart will never love again.

— — —

A phone call. I only have the strength to make one.

My best friend walks into the house, finds me crumpled up on the living room floor, and promises the impossible. “Everything is going to be all right.”

I know it can’t be. My body might still be breathing, but when Jace died, I went with him.