Page 32 of When Ben Loved Jace (He Loved Him #2)

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at the painting Tim gave me, as I have done so often before. Fiery colors that evoke passion bathe two overlapping hearts. My own beats hard as if in response. And that’s a great big problem, because I don’t know if I can deal with it anymore.

I guess I’m about to find out.

I pick up my phone and send him a text. Wanna go for a walk?

He doesn’t keep me waiting. I think Chinchilla knows how to read, because those are her favorite words, and she just got really excited.

I smile, despite the melancholy I feel. Bring her with you.

Should I come pick you up?

No.

I suggest a park on the outskirts of town that has hiking paths.

We’ll be on our own out there, far away from prying eyes.

I welcome the temptation. We agree to meet an hour from now.

I check myself in the mirror, avoiding my own gaze.

Then I return to my bedroom and sit in the same spot, staring at the painting while thinking about everything.

Who we used to be. How everything has changed.

What we could become. I still can’t decide.

The time passes much too quickly before I have to leave.

When I get to the park, Tim is already there, standing near his car and holding Chinchilla’s leash.

She wags her stubby little tail while tangling up my legs.

I gingerly free myself and squat to pet her while trying not to stare at Tim.

His hair is pulled back. He’s wearing a tank top and shorts.

I already want him. Being in this heat doesn’t help.

I always did love working up a sweat together.

Lord help me if he decides to take off his shirt.

“Dude, it’s so good to see you again,” Tim says as we begin our hike. We’re at the base of a wooded hill, the dirt trail we plan to follow zigzagging to the top. “I was starting to wonder if I ever would.”

Not long ago, I assumed that would always be the case. We’d never see each other again. Part of me still longed for him, but life was a lot simpler then. I’m almost wistful for that time.

“Are you still mad at me?” he asks when I don’t respond.

I shake my head, not ready to talk about us yet. “How did your date with Adrien go?”

Tim shrugs. “It was fine. ”

“What did you guys do?” The question is intentionally open ended. I’m dying to know if they slept together.

“Went out to a fancy restaurant,” Tim says, “which is way more fun with Eric. He knows some really great places where the food is amazing but the vibe is chill. The one I went to with Adrien was kind of stuffy. White tablecloths, snooty waiters, valet parking… That sort of thing. I don’t really like French food. ”

I notice that he hasn’t said anything about Adrien yet, so I keep prying. “What did you do afterwards?”

“We went to a sauna.”

“That’s a fun idea!”

He’s quiet for a moment. “I guess so.”

“You didn’t like it?”

Tim yanks on Chinchilla’s leash. “Hey, don’t eat that! You’ve got a nose for trouble, I swear.”

I wait for him to answer my question. He doesn’t. I bet they hooked up. If so, he’s not eager to discuss it with me.

“Are you going to see him again?”

Tim sighs. “If I say no, is it a dealbreaker?”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you only going to hang out with me if I’m dating someone?”

“I just thought it would make things easier on us.”

Tim eyes me a moment, one of those beautifully muscled arms raised in front of him as Chinchilla leads us up the path. “You’re with Jace,” he says. “Does that make it easy for you?”

“No,” I admit. “So you’re not interested in Adrien?”

Tim shakes his head. “He’s got a mean streak that reminds me too much of Carla, my crazy ex-girlfriend from high school. I know you didn’t like Krista, but at least she was nice. In a snobby kind of way. So uh… No. I think I’ll pass.”

The relief I feel at this news is damning indeed.

“Besides,” Tim says, “it’s weird that he’s Jace’s ex. Adrien already joked that we should call ourselves the runners-up. Hey, did you have fun with Eric?”

“Yeah! He’s incredibly cool. I got a lot more out of our chat than I expected.”

Tim nods enthusiastically. “Right? That’s why I love hanging with him. He knows so much about everything.”

“Have you ever met Gabriel?”

“Yeah. I’d heard the whole story before I saw him face-to-face, so I was expecting a jerk, even though Eric always says nice things about him.

He’s all right though. The guy Gabriel ditched Eric for?

He’s a total dick, but it serves him right.

The first time we all had dinner together, I made sure to flirt with Eric a bunch.

You should have seen Gabriel’s face. He definitely wasn’t feeling it! ”

This makes me laugh. Maybe I should encourage Tim to pursue that relationship instead. Or I could stop meddling and deal with my own emotions. Tim tells me other stories as we ascend, and I ask a few more questions, but there’s one in particular that I can no longer resist.

“Do you still paint?”

“Yeah. When I can.”

“Then how come Eric doesn’t seem to know?”

Tim plods alongside me. “I’m private about that sort of thing.”

“Still?” His hangdog expression is answer enough. “I would’ve expected that to be a bond you share with Eric, since he’s so into art.”

“It is,” Tim replies, “but have you seen what he’s got hanging on his walls? An original Hopper. And three different Leyendeckers! My work would look like a kid’s drawing next to those. If I’m lucky, he’d take pity on me and tape my art to the fridge.”

“Most parents do that out of pride,” I retort, “even if their kid isn’t a Picasso. But you do have talent. I can’t believe you haven’t shared that with him yet!”

“Did you let it slip?” Tim asks in concern.

“Yeah, but I think I covered well enough. How come there’s never paint on your hands anymore?”

“Because I have better hygiene than when I was a grubby teenager,” he shoots back.

“Or you’re being more careful so nobody ever finds out.”

He presses his lips together. The subject is starting to feel a little too familiar. I don’t like it.

“I couldn’t exactly paint my heart out when living at the fraternity,” Tim grumbles. “So I left all that stuff with my parents. I just haven’t brought any of it to Eric’s house yet.”

Or told his closest friend about his artistic inclinations, but I decide to let it drop .

“Look at that view,” Tim says, nodding at where the path diverges.

We’re high up enough to see the surrounding forest, the tops of the trees below us. A river hugs our side of the hill, orange light reflecting off the surface as the sun begins to dip below the far horizon. We wander instinctively toward the precipice, like we’ve been doing since reuniting.

“Do you mind if we stop here for a while?” Tim shrugs off the drawstring backpack he’s wearing. “Bulldogs get overheated easily. I wanna let Chinchilla cool down.”

“Yeah, of course!”

I watch him take out a bowl and fill it with water.

We share what’s left in the bottle while sitting on a flat rock together, the panoramic view spread out before us.

Chinchilla settles down to pant. I’m tempted to do the same each time I glance over at Tim.

He catches me looking and smiles. His eyes sparkle with affection, and while it’s a nice moment, I also know that it’s the end, because I want to kiss him.

Consequences be damned. Being alone together was a test, and I failed.

He seems to recognize the shift. “What’s wrong?”

I swallow and shake my head. How am I going to do this?

Tim continues to stare. I can see him in my peripheral vision, unable to meet his gaze. I’m already too weak.

“I know you don’t believe this sort of thing,” he says, “but it’s not a coincidence that we met.

When we were teenagers, I mean. I’ve been thinking about it, and I feel like God brought us together, so you could show me it’s okay to be the way that I am.

And that he loves me. Through you, I guess.

” He sighs. “I wish I was better at expressing this sort of thing. It makes sense in my head. What I’m trying to say is… We were made for each other.”

He's right. I don’t believe in that sort of thing. And yet, my eyes fill with tears regardless, because I want it to be true. “I do love you,” I admit. “That’s the problem.”

“It’s not!” he says, grabbing my hand. “It’s a good thing!”

“No,” I croak, pulling away. “We can’t be together, Tim. Even as friends. I’m sorry, but it’s not working. I can’t handle it.”

“Stop fighting it then!”

“And what?” I shoot back. “Break up with Jace? Is that what God wants? For me to hurt him so we can be together?”

Tim swallows. “I don’t know. Maybe there’s someone out there for him to love, and he’ll only find that guy if he’s free to look for him.”

“ I love him.” My throat constricts. “And he loves me. That’s why this has to stop.”

“Hold up!” Tim sounds panicked. “So it didn’t work out with Adrien. Big deal. I’ll keep dating. That way we both have someone.”

“Will that really make a difference?”

“Yeah! It’s got to.”

“Tim…” I say, leaning toward him without hiding my need.

He responds, his eyes half-lidded as he moves his lips dangerously close to mine. I turn my face away at the last second, so I can rest my head on his shoulder. “ That’s why. We’ll always be this way.”

“Then why resist it?”

I can’t expect him to understand. He doesn’t know Jace like I do. My man is incredibly special. Otherwise, this would be easy.

Tim wraps an arm around me, which feels nice, but it can’t go any further. Time to say goodbye. I breathe in the scent of his skin, dream of a world where God makes people in perfect pairs that fit together seamlessly, and nuzzle my nose against Tim’s neck before leaning away.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him.

His face is drawn in disbelief. “Are you kidding me? This is it?”

“Yeah.”

His expression becomes determined. “I was going to wait until we were together again before telling you this, since I never got to before, but if this is really it…”

“Don’t,” I plead. “Please.”

His brow furrows up. “Only you get to tell me how you feel?”

“It’ll make it too hard for me. So if you really do feel that way, then please… Don’t say it.”

Tim’s face twists up. Then he turns away so he can wipe at his eyes. “Fuck. This sucks.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Will you at least sing to me?”

“What?”

“I’ve wanted to hear you sing again since… Jesus, way longer than when we met up again. Sometimes I hear your voice in my dr eams. I don’t care how cheesy that sounds. It’s true. So please… Just give me that much.”

I nod, relieved to have somewhere to put everything that I’m feeling, and sing one of his favorites.

At least it used to be. If we ever had a song of our own, this would be it.

Tim watches me, two wet trails tracing their way down his handsome face.

Then he leans over, resting his head in my lap with a sob, his arms wrapping around my waist possessively.

My voice chokes to a halt as we cry together, our hearts aching for everything that can never be.

— — —

“Good morning.”

I clench my eyes tight and snuggle up against Jace, burying my face in his chest. He places a hand on the back of my head, holding me for a few more minutes. Then he sighs.

“We’ve really got to get up.”

“Don’t wanna,” I mumble.

“At least I do,” Jace says patiently. “I have to pick up my dry cleaning. I fly out tomorrow.”

He rolls onto his back on his way out of bed, but he doesn’t make it that far. I grab him, use my full weight to pin him down, and cling to his torso like a baby koala.

“I don’t want you to go.”

“I know. Are you going to be okay?”

I’m honestly not sure. I’ve never felt like this before.

I’m heartbroken, like when a serious relationship comes to an end.

And yet I’m also drunk on love. I’ve been on a bender since saying goodbye to Tim, dropping absolutely everything to spend each moment with Jace.

I mean that. Aside from bathroom breaks, I haven’t left his side for days, even when that means having to squeeze into his miniscule shower together.

I don’t want to come down from this high.

Not when I can still see the bottomless chasm below.

Jace wraps his arms around me and rolls over, so he’s on top—an idea I like very much. Except when he pushes himself up on his arms, the only thing he penetrates is my sullen gaze.

“Don’t you have any more vacation days?” I ask. “Can’t you call in sick?”

He shakes his head. “We have to get back to our normal lives. You especially. ”

I already told Jace everything, not holding back on any of the details.

He didn’t smirk when learning that I’d said goodbye to Tim.

There wasn’t a hint of satisfaction. All I got from him was pure sympathy, because he knows my pain.

Jace chose to leave Victor after accepting that it wouldn’t work.

And, like me, he had to make that decision again years later.

I envy his strength. He hadn’t clung to Adrien while waiting for those freshly opened wounds to heal.

Jace had left him too, believing it was the right thing to do.

My situation is different. More than ever, I feel like I belong with him.

“Can I go with you this time?” I plead.

“No,” Jace says. “Not until you graduate. You have a thesis to write.”

I shrug, unconvinced. “I filed for an extension.”

“When’s the new deadline?”

I don’t answer him. He doesn’t need me to. We both know it’s in a matter of days.

“Life goes on,” Jace says, searching my eyes. “Even when you don’t want it to. I need you to prove that being with me is enough. Otherwise I’m just a crutch.”

I pull him close, smothering myself under his weight. “You’re way more to me than that” I promise, my voice an emotional squeak. “I love you, Jace.”

“I love you too.” He kisses me before pushing himself up again. “Now get out of bed. You have morning breath, I have to pee, Samson needs to eat, Adrien promised to make us breakfast, I have dry cleaning to pick up, you have a paper to finish…”

“All right, all right!” I complain. But I do so with a smile, because he’s right. Life does go on, and I’m so glad that we get to continue ours together.