Page 18 of When Ben Loved Jace (He Loved Him #2)

“How did we ever live without this stuff?” Allison asks, her hands wrapped around a coffee mug that she carefully sips from, as if it contains liquid gold. Considering how much this particular café charges, that isn’t far from the truth.

“I don’t know,” I reply, gulping down the rest of my own, “but I’m never going back. At least, not until we graduate."

The past few months have been stressful, thanks to my academic journey.

I’ve been working on my thesis, which focuses on the history of LGBT literature.

Books have always been a refuge for me. I’ve often looked to them for guidance, but when I was growing up, there was a dearth of novels that explored the gay experience.

Those that I’ve managed to find and read for this project don’t instill much hope.

In some cases, a dire ending was the only way a publisher would agree to print a certain book, but I believe the way queer people perceived themselves back then was also a factor.

When faced with so much hatred, it must have been hard to imagine a happy life for their characters.

I feel so fortunate in that regard. Jace and I celebrated our four-month anniversary recently.

I met him at the airport that day when he flew into town.

Seeing a handsome flight attendant walking toward me with a bouquet of flowers just about brought me to my knees.

And technically, it did, but only once we were alone.

The crazy thing is, I didn’t need to remind him of how long we’d been together.

I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it until we reached half a year.

Not many people celebrate the four-month mark, but being with him feels so good that maybe we should make it a weekly thing. Or even daily!

Perhaps we would if we saw each other that often. That’s the only downside. Jace remains a rare treat. I’m seriously tempted to take a job with the same airline, so we can continue our relationship in the skies.

“Earth to Ben!” Allison says, snapping her fingers in front of my face.

“Huh?”

“You didn’t hear anything I just said, did you?”

“Umm…” I nudge my subconscious, hoping for a hint, but it shrugs helplessly. All I can remember hearing is the sound of grinding coffee beans and the squelching of an espresso machine.

She sighs. “I was talking about what we’re going to do after we graduate. Although in your case it’s obvious. When’s the wedding?”

I titter before withering under her glare. “Sorry. Give me a quick recap.”

“We need a plan!” Allison says. “Like where we’re going to put down roots, because I can’t live without my best friend.

It’s hard enough that you’re barely ever home these days.

What if we end up in different cities?” She shakes her head, the issue already decided.

“Huh-uh. I’m not going to let that happen. So is this home now?”

I’m not sure, so I buy time with a question of my own. “Your dad wants to know too, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah. The house is on the market. We could move back there—be closer to both our families. Greg also lives in the area, so Jace might prefer it that way. You should talk to him.”

“I guess that would make the most sense but…” I hesitate, struggling to put the feeling into words. “I never really fit in there. The culture here is a better match for me. Sometimes I even forget that I’m gay. If that makes sense.”

Allison nods. “For me, it’s like being in a small town, where I stand out more because of the color of my skin.

In a city, there are plenty of black people around.

Way too many for racist fuckwads to constantly lose their shit over.

They’d get exhausted real quick, so most sane people simply get on with their lives, no matter what they think.

It isn’t the same thing as being accepted, but it is a form of tolerance. ”

“Exactly! I know that there’s a much larger city close to our home town, but it’s not as liberal.

” I glance out the window thoughtfully. “I also like having my independence. I love my parents and want to be close enough to visit them or get there quickly in an emergency, but I also feel more grownup when they aren’t around. You know?"

Allison smiles. “I do, even though I don’t share your inclination. I cannot wait to have my daddy live closer to me. I won’t worry as much.”

“I’m sure he won’t either,” I say with a chuckle.

“So it’s decided? We’re staying here?”

I take a deep breath. Then I nod. “Yeah. ”

“Awesome!” Allison sets her empty mug on the table with a thunk. “Let’s celebrate with another round.”

She starts to stand before her eyes bug out. Then she quickly plops down again. “Or maybe we’ve had enough.”

“Are you all right?” I ask in concern.

Allison’s attention darts away from me and back again before she nods rapidly. “Mm-hm!”

My back is to the café interior. I start to turn, wanting to see what has her so spooked. She practically dives across the table to take my hands in hers. “So when is the wedding?”

I laugh. “Remember when we used to talk about getting married on the same day?”

“At the same ceremony,” she says, sounding a little breathless. “And that if we failed to find anyone, we would marry each other.”

“For tax reasons,” I remind her when my hands are squeezed painfully tight.

In the reflection of the window behind her, I notice someone approach our table. And it’s the strangest thing because, despite the reflection being little more than a wavering image, there’s something unsettling familiar about the outline.

“Allison! Hey!”

The voice is male and husky. Long dormant neurons fire in my brain, and for whatever reason, I can’t seem to breathe.

“Benjamin?”

I turn my head in disbelief and see bronze skin and a mane of dark hair.

“Holy shit!” A stunning smile robs me of my strength. “It’s really you!”

I open my mouth to respond, but all that comes out is a squeak, because Tim’s eyes are different.

They’re still the same striking silver but are now filled with transparent emotion.

I only saw them like that once, just before I slipped out of his bedroom for the final time.

I expect them to become guarded and impenetrable again when they shift to consider Allison briefly, but they don’t.

Tim’s gaze returns to mine with the same promise of love.

When he places a strong hand on my shoulder, I feel something begin to stir inside of me and can’t take it anymore.

I launch to my feet, stumble away from the table, and sprint for the door, needing to escape.

I make it outside and hightail it down the sidewalk without a destination in mind. All I know is that I can’t do this. For so many reasons. My heart is pounding out of control, my palm placed over it protectively.

“Benjamin!”

That voice. Ugh. That name!

I hear the rhythmic thumping of feet behind me and am no longer an adult on the verge of graduating from college.

I’m a lonely teenager, desperate for someone to love.

Gone is the daylight, replaced by the cold glow of the moon as bugs sing around me, sharing the same need, and it all comes back.

Everything I felt, everything we had, everything we lost. The sound of my name being called rips me back to the present.

When I turn around, the sun is blinding as Tim jogs toward me, so I shield my eyes, needing to see him.

And he’s beautiful. More so than ever. His black hair is almost shoulder-length, wild and untamed.

Those silver eyes hold me in place just like they used to, his powerful body coming closer by the second.

I could never outrun him. Doesn’t matter that I got a head start of a few years.

He would’ve caught up to me eventually. I give up trying to escape, and like the teenager I once was, I stop to stare.

Tim is wearing a sleeveless shirt, revealing brown skin and biceps that are bigger than I remember.

I try my best to ignore the cargo shorts, knowing all too well what they contain, but there’s literally nowhere safe for my gaze to land.

His proud chest reminds me of the way his pecs used to swell before he came.

The beefy shoulders make me think of how I would sometimes rest my head there while murmuring comforting words.

We’re going to be all right. I promise. And that handsome face, which always won me over, despite any misgivings I had.

His features are even more masculine now.

He was a good looking boy. As a man, Tim is absolutely breathtaking.

Even with his brow crinkling in concern.

“Please!” he pants. “Just hear me out. You have no idea how often I’ve dreamt of this moment.”

“Then where were you?” I snap, my voice cracking with vulnerability, because if Tim really wanted this, he could have sought me out. All those years of stupid failed relationships… Where was he then?

“It’s a long story,” he says. “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

The offer is incredibly tempting until I think of a man with the sweetest heart and an ornery little cat. “Sorry, but no. ”

Tim’s face falls. “Let me call you then.”

“I’m not giving you my number!”

“Uhh…” He pats his pockets, looking desperate as he pulls out his phone. “Here. Take mine.”

I recoil at the suggestion. “What?”

“I’ll call you later tonight.”

He grabs my wrist, so he can press the phone into my palm. Where our skin touches, an electric current courses through me, like all the potential we had is still there. Or maybe it’s even stronger than before, because his eyes continue to brim with emotion.

“I’m sorry, Benjamin. You were right.”

“About what?”

“Everything. I should have listened to you. So please, just this once, listen to me. I’ll call you tonight. Okay?”

My resolve crumbles. I nod.

Tim finally lets go. He nods at the phone I now hold. “You know the code. It’s your birthday.”

The tenderness in his voice makes me feel like crying.

“All right,” Tim says, trying a smile. “I’ll talk to you later.”

All I can do is stand there and stare as he takes off running again, but it’s like he stays with me anyway, a ghost that has returned to haunt the deepest hollows of my heart.

— — —

“What should I do?”

Allison and I are sitting at the kitchen table in our apartment.

I couldn’t bring myself to return to the café.

She came and found me. I spent the drive home reiterating what Tim said and how seeing him made me feel.

She was uncharacteristically quiet during this.

Then again, I was using up all the oxygen by ranting and raving like a lunatic.

So much for the healed wounds of my past!

The stitches have been ripped open. My heart is bleeding.

I just hope she can patch me up again. We’re seated across from each other, Tim’s phone on the table between us, like a bomb that needs to be defused.

“Throw it away,” Allison advises. “After smashing it with a hammer.”

“I should at least snoop,” I say in a way that sounds like I’m bargaining. I haven’t dared to unlock his phone yet, familiar with the moral of Pandora’s Box. But I want to anyway because… “I ne ed to know what he’s been doing since we broke up.”

Allison hesitates before replying. “What if I could tell you? That way you don’t have to look.”

I nudge the phone toward her. “Go ahead!”

She shakes her head. “I don’t need that. I already know.”

“Huh?”

Allison sighs, her expression seeking forgiveness. But for what?

“I ran into Tim freshman year.”

“Here?” I’ve been so overwhelmed by emotion that I haven’t drawn some of the more obvious conclusions. “Tim goes to our school?”

Allison nods. “Yes. And I’ve prayed every day that you two wouldn’t run into each other.”

I feel an ache in my chest. I always assumed Tim went to the Catholic university his parents preferred. Coming here was our plan, so we could finally be together openly.

“I’m sorry,” Allison says, mistaking the reason for the pain that must show on my face. “I know it must seem like a betrayal, but I was trying to protect you.”

“From what?” I snap, but I’m not angry at her. “Tim could have found me if he really cared, but obviously he doesn’t.”

Allison presses her lips together. Then she takes a deep breath. “I told him you live on the other side of the county. Remember the college you got accepted into that I didn’t?”

My voice warbles when I try to respond. All I can get out is one word. “Why?”

“He broke your heart! That’s why.” She raises her palms to stave off my inevitable outburst. “There’s more to the story, Ben. Things you need to know.”

I cross my arms over my chest. “Like what?”

“Do you remember Lacy? She was in the typing elective we took.”

“In high school?” I shrug. “Vaguely, yeah.”

“We researched a paper together for one of my behavioral science classes and got to talking about the people we used to know. And what happened to them. She mentioned Tim. Lacy had recently worked on a project with him and was invited to his house. You know the rich neighborhood on the edge of town that we’ve driven through a few times while dreaming big? ”

“He lives there?” I interrupt before shaking my head. “His parents weren’t that rich!”

“Exactly,” Allison says. “That’s the bombshell she dropped, because apparently, Tim lives out there with his sugar daddy.”

My stomach sinks. “What?”

She winces in sympathy before nodding. “I’ve asked around and heard the same thing from other people.”

I can feel my face burning as I stand up and grab the phone.

“I’m sorry, hon,” Allison says.

“It’s fine. I just wish you would have told me sooner.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you!”

I want to argue the point, but she’s right. Imagining him in such a demeaning situation is painful. I wanted Tim to find love. Even if it wasn’t with me. Now he’s selling his body. The thought makes me nauseous.

“Where are you going?” Allison asks.

“I need to be alone.”

She rises from the table. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not mad at you!” I snap.

I’m just angry. Without even knowing why.

But I figure it out later while sulking in my room.

I’m angry at myself, because had I been a little more patient, I could have spared Tim this fate.

We would have moved to this town together for a fresh start.

I would have kept loving him. And eventually, given enough time, he might have loved me back.

Now what I tried to teach him has been twisted.

Perverted. And I only have myself to blame.