Page 39 of When Ben Loved Jace (He Loved Him #2)

Hurt Jace. And the worst part is that he didn’t act alone. I hurt him too. “Fuck this!”

I kick off the blankets, get up, and start pulling on clothes so I can leave.

“Wait a minute. Please! Let me explain.”

“I don’t need you to!” I shout back. That isn’t entirely true. I already know more than enough, but part of me wants to see if he’ll be honest, even when backed into a corner. “How did you find out where Jace lives?”

“Adrien mentioned the trailer on our date,” Tim says. “I looked his address up online. None of that matters though because—”

“None of it matters? ”

Tim juts out his jaw. “That’s right! Not compared to us .”

And the sick thing is, part of me agrees with him. But even if I was willing to care only about that, I don’t trust him anymore. “You swore to God, Tim!”

“That’s right, I did.” He fixes me with an even stare. “I’m willing to burn in Hell for you, Benjamin.”

I search his eyes in disbelief, dumbfounded that finally getting what I’ve always wanted could feel so wrong. “I’ve gotta go.”

I grab my keys off the dresser.

“Don’t,” Tim says, following me into the hall. “I know you’re pissed at me—”

“It’s worse than that!” I say without stopping. “Now I hate myself!”

I can’t believe I did this to Jace. I threw it all away!

“You shouldn’t,” Tim says. “But yeah, I know exactly how you feel. The thing is, I love you. And you love me. That balances it out. What else do we need?”

It’s a seductive argument. I’ve got to get away from here. I can’t think clearly anymore.

“I’m sorry,” he says when I reach the front door. “It was fucked up, but I’d do anything to get you back. Even now. Just tell me how to make it right!”

“Never talk to me again!” I suggest before hurrying to my car.

I’m struggling to get it unlocked when he hits me with a parting shot. A fist would have been kinder than words he speaks, because they’re undeniably true.

“You wanted to believe the lie.”

My hand spasms, the keys falling to the ground. I turn around to face him in shock.

“You knew,” he says. “Some part of you must have.”

During breakfast. When he reminded me of how much pain I’d been in and I brushed it off. I didn’t question the relief in his eyes, or why he burned the note right after. I didn’t need to, because that’s when I knew. But I wanted him so bad. I still do .

“You’re right,” I admit, my voice barely more than a whisper, “but I can’t do this anymore. I hurt him, Tim."

He shakes his head. “That was all my fault. Blame me.”

“ I hurt him!” My chin trembles as I pound my chest. “Me! I can’t pretend otherwise. The whole time we’re together, it’ll always be there in the background—the price I paid. And it ruins everything.”

“Don’t say that!”

“It’s true. You don’t understand. I love you, yes. But I love him too.”

I stoop to pick up my keys.

“Benjamin…”

I can’t look at him anymore.

“Please don’t do this to me again,” he whimpers.

I finally get the door to my car open.

“I’m begging you,” he pleads.

I slip inside, desperate to escape before I give in to him.

“I fucking love you!” Tim shouts. “And I know you love me!”

I slam the door shut, unable to meet my gaze in the rearview mirror when I reverse down the driveway, because I’m too ashamed. I can’t blame anyone else. I’m done playing that game. This is all my fault, and what I did…

It was wrong.

— — —

Life goes on. Even when you don’t want it to.

Jace was right, of course. I confess my sins to my best friend, who is sympathetic, as always.

She’s too kind to pass judgement on me, so I do it for her, condemning myself to joyless eight-hour shifts of slinging frozen yoghurt, my insides as numb as my fingers.

I don’t dance around and sing like I used to.

When not filling orders, I stare at the door, knowing that Jace will never walk through it again, and feel foolish for having thrown it all away.

When my parents come into town, I put my best foot forward, trying to be upbeat and personable.

Why punish those who love me? I’ve done enough of that already.

Allison and I go out to eat with her father and my family the night before we graduate.

It’s a nice time. I do okay when preoccupied with such things.

I’m willing to suffer when not, because I deserve this pain.

I only wish I could take it away. From both of them.

I sure left a trail of heartfelt destruction in my wake .

I’m a little apprehensive about attending the graduation ceremony, since Tim will likely be there.

I go anyway. Allison made it very clear—repeatedly—that if I tried to bail, she’d never forgive me.

I take solace in our names being among the earliest called.

Tim has to wait until the end of the alphabet.

So for us, it’s a relatively short experience.

I get to go on stage first, and when I do, I ignore the audience, reminded a little too much of a high school talent show.

If he’s out there, I won’t sing to him. Not this time.

I cheer extra loud when Allison accepts her diploma.

Then I bank on the universal law that dads love beating a crowd.

“You don’t want to stay until the end?” my mom asks in surprise after we discreetly make our way over to them.

“Think how much traffic there will be,” I say.

“That is true,” my dad chimes in.

“Might be best to slip out early,” Allison’s father concurs.

“I’m ready to celebrate!” my best friend says, switching her tassel from one side to the other before reaching over to do the same for me. “There! The deed is done. Let’s go!”

We drive to a historic neighborhood nearby, where a one-story house still has a “sold” sign in the yard.

Allison’s father hasn’t officially moved in yet, but he’s letting us throw our graduation party there.

She took care of all the details. An archway made of balloons leads to the front door.

The living room is set up with chairs, a buffet, and a makeshift bar—all generously funded by our parents.

We contributed the sound system from our apartment.

Plenty of space has been left in the middle of the room, by design. Allison puts on some tunes.

“Come dance with your best friend,” she says, leading me by the hand.

I’m happy to comply. We work up a sweat, often while laughing, until people slowly start to arrive. Our parents tend to everyone’s needs while seeming emotional. Probably because this is one of the last times they’ll get to take care of us.

I decide not to drink. Relaxing the tight grip I have on my emotions seems like a terrible idea today. This decision pays off when Allison approaches me with a funny look on her face.

“Don’t freak out.”

“About what?” I ask, already beginning to panic. Why does anyone ever begin a conversation that way?

She points across the room. “I invited Jace. ”

I turn in disbelief and see him holding a bouquet of flowers while watching me pensively. And it’s like an angel with pristine white feathers has fluttered down to my dark and dingy corner of Hell.

“Allison—” I start to say.

She cuts me off. “Don’t mess this up.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Allison notices one of the many cute guys who have become part of her history. “Heeeey, Kamal!” She grabs his arm as he’s passing by and walks away with him.

I shoot Jace a subdued smile, relieved when it’s returned. I walk over to join him. He meets me halfway.

“Congratulations,” he says, offering me the bouquet.

I fight against tears, because I know I can’t simply enjoy the flowers, or accept him back into my life without telling him the truth.

“Can we go somewhere quiet?” he asks, as if anticipating my need.

I nod and lead him out back. There isn’t a swimming pool, thank goodness. Just a humble patio and an old tree that stretches over the yard protectively. I walk with him beneath its branches, so we’re less likely to be disturbed.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” I tell him, clutching the bouquet with sweaty palms. Nobody has given me flowers before. I’ve never really wanted them until now.

“I’ve missed you,” he says.

I shake my head, because that’s already more than I deserve. “I messed up, Jace.”

“You were tricked.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“I know.”

I look up at him in surprise. “You do?”

He nods. “You slept with Tim.”

“Allison told you.”

Jace shakes his head. “I figured it might happen. Like I said… I’ve been there.”

“Is that why you suggested we take a break?”

He swallows before answering. “If you love something, let it go.”

“I’m so sorry! I really am. I’d take it all back if I could. ”

“Learn from it,” he says, his brow furrowing up. I watch him scowl at the ground before he takes a deep breath. Then his green eyes search mine. “Does it make your decision any easier?”

“Yes. I love you. Can you still love me?”

“I wouldn’t be here now if I didn’t.”

I throw my arms around him, Jace hesitating before his own wrap around me gently, and I swear to myself to never hurt him again.