Page 54 of When Ben Loved Jace (He Loved Him #2)

I meet Tim two days later. I let him choose the place.

We don’t text about anything else, because I need to see his face.

Not out of fondness. I simply can’t stop thinking about those bruises.

I show up at a restaurant downtown, unsure what to expect.

Tim is already seated at a table. He stands when noticing me.

I get the same impression as the other day. He seems exhausted.

“You look great,” Tim says, his eyes darting to the entrance of the restaurant.

I glance over my shoulder.

“Don’t worry,” he adds hastily. “I parked ten blocks over and left my phone in the car. He’ll never find us here.”

“Uh, you know I’m not going to have an affair with you, right?”

Tim chuckles while looking embarrassed. “Yeah. Sorry. Things are kind of intense right now. It’s good to see you anyway.”

He lifts his arms a little, like he wants a hug but already expects to be rejected, and it’s such a pitiful sight that I give in. While keeping my lower body angled away. He smells like cologne and—

“Have you been smoking?” I ask, pulling back in shock.

Tim swallows and nods. “Bad habit, I know. I’ve been stressed out lately.”

“ And it looks like you got a head start,” I add when sitting at the table. Beer froth sits at the bottom of an otherwise empty glass.

Tim settles in across from me with a guilty expression. “I was nervous about seeing you again.”

“You should be,” I say, getting right to the point. “What the hell was up with those bruises on Ryan’s arms?”

Tim glances skyward and exhales. “I know how bad it looks, but you’ve gotta understand…

I don’t know how else to get through to him.

He already overdosed once. Which scared us both.

I thought things were finally going to change, but I came home the other day and Ryan was smoking—I don’t know—meth maybe? Crack? Is there a difference? ”

I stare coldly in response.

Tim withers under my gaze. “So yeah. I flipped out. Just like I did at the theater. I didn’t mean to hurt him. I just can’t stand to see—” Tim swallows and shakes his head. “I nearly lost Ryan the first time he overdosed. They had to pump his goddamn stomach! It was terrifying.”

I sigh, some of the tension leaving me. “Go for a jog next time to blow off steam.”

He looks away.

“You do still run, don’t you?”

Tim shakes his head. “Not really.”

“Do you paint?”

He takes a deep breath and lets it out again.

“Maybe you should start from the beginning,” I say, “because I’m not sure I know who you are anymore.”

“Don’t say that!” He reaches across the table for my hand, which I pull away. “If you don’t know me then I really am lost.”

“Is that how you feel?”

Tim doesn’t answer. He’s still staring at my hand. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Jace,” I say, realizing that he’s noticed the wedding ring.

Tim swallows and nods. “Good. I mean, I hate my fucking life. But if it couldn’t be me, I’m glad it was him. At least I didn’t manage to ruin that, like I do everything else.”

How did he fall so far? I don’t understand.

The last time we saw each other, Tim was actually in touch with his emotions.

Maybe there was still a ways to go, but he’d made real progress.

And now he’s dating a junkie while slowly running himself into the ground.

Does any of the blame rest on my shoulders? Sure, I left him, but not on his own.

“What does Eric think about all this?”

Tim buries his face in his hands. I expect him to reveal that they’re no longer friends. Until his shoulders begin to shake and I hear a whimper.

“What happened?” I ask.

“He died,” Tim squeaks out. “He’s gone.”

A server with the absolute worst timing approaches our table. “Welcome in! Would you like to hear our specials?”

“We need some more time,” I snap so she’ll go away. And when she does… “Let’s get out of here. ”

Tim nods and pulls a money clip out of his pocket, peeling off a bill and tossing it on the table.

I already feel better once we’re outside.

Restaurants were never really our thing.

Strolling down the sidewalk together is a little closer to what I remember, which I need right now, because I don’t want Tim to feel like a stranger.

Just the thought makes me sad, like I lost him while we were apart.

“When did Eric pass away?” I ask.

“A couple years after we last saw each other. He had cancer. Eric tried to hide it from me. I didn’t find out until the symptoms started getting bad.

He wasn’t planning on fighting it.” Tim grimaces and shakes his head.

“I begged him to. And he did. For me. I still don’t know if that was the thing to do or not but… I loved him, Benjamin.”

His voice cracks around this confession. I don’t ask him what kind of love he means. It doesn’t matter.

“I’m really sorry,” I say lamely. “That must have been heartbreaking.”

“Yeah, it was rough.”

We walk in silence for a moment.

“I thought of you,” Tim says suddenly. “After he was gone. I wish I’d had the balls to reach out because…” He shrugs. “I needed you. Really bad. I don’t know how else to put it. I just did.”

I want to take his hand, which would send the wrong signal. Or at least speak comforting words, but what could I possibly say?

Tim inhales. “Chinchilla was there for me. She was always licking my face. I hope dogs think tears taste good, because there were a lot of them. Marcello and I got close too, especially after Eric was gone.”

“That’s nice,” I say, thinking of the charismatic man at the water park. “I’m glad you weren’t alone. So um… How does Ryan factor into everything?”

Tim sighs. “When I met him, he had just gotten kicked out by his parents. The poor guy was only nineteen. Old enough to be on his own, but still…”

“How long ago was this?”

“About two years. Eric had already passed. I was still aching from that and— Oh yeah! I came out to my parents. For real this time. ”

I study his pensive face when we stop at an intersection. “How did it go?”

“Not great. I don’t see them all that often. My dad doesn’t have much to say to me. My mom only wants to talk about saving my soul.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not,” Tim says. “It’s a relief. I don’t have to pretend anymore.

And I wanted them to know— needed them to understand—how important Eric was to me.

Especially after he died. So I finally did it.

I guess that was part of what drew Ryan and me together.

We were on the outs with our families and needed love.

I know how messed up our relationship looks now…

" He nods when the pedestrian light changes. “But for a while, it really was nice.”

“So what happened?”

Tim shrugs as we cross the street. “Ryan has a lot of issues. I didn’t realize how many.

We were two broken people trying to fix each other.

Is that even possible? Maybe it works for some, but it didn’t for us.

Eric had left me money. We were living off that, coasting really, without anything to do.

So we drank. Ryan likes to party. I had a hard time keeping up with him.

Especially when we started doing drugs. Getting stoned was fun, but he was always chasing after some new high, like he was searching for a way to escape himself.

I did what I could to get him back on track.

I paid his college tuition after his parents cut him off, but he hardly ever went to class.

The same with rehab. Ryan checked out after a couple days.

I’ve tried to help him, but now… Well, you saw. ”

I did, the ghastly images of the bruises flashing in my mind again.

“Do you ever beat him, Tim? Be honest with me.”

“No! Not like that. But I have hurt him before. Like you saw. The lines get blurred, because Ryan likes it rough in bed. I mean really rough. He always wants me to choke him and kinky shit like that. But it kind of set a precedent, you know? And he’s always been good at pushing my buttons.

I swear he gets off on it. He’s a mean little shit. ”

“So why are you still with him?”

Tim swallows. “Because buried underneath all his issues is a really sweet guy who just wants to be loved. When I showed up at the hospital after his overdose, he wept in my arms. It was a real close call. He told me, while I held him, how he doesn’t want to be the way he is.

That wasn’t an act. He’s hurting inside. I just don’t know how to heal him.”

I press my lips together, figuring that their messed-up relationship is none of my business. Then I look over and see silver eyes pleading with me. Time for some hard truths.

“Maybe, despite wanting to help him, you’re actually doing more damage. As an enabler. Does he have a job?”

“No. I don’t either. Like I said, Eric left me some money.”

“But you actually have a creative outlet, when you choose to use it. How does Ryan deal with all the pain he feels inside?”

“I dunno. By trying to numb it with drugs, I guess.”

“Who pays for them?”

“Me. And yeah, you’re absolutely right. I’m an enabler. I’ve tried taking his credit cards away.”

“What happened?”

“He stole mine.”

“I’m starting to understand why you throttle him.” I pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh. “I shouldn’t have said that. But I am struggling to understand why you put up with his shit.”

“I love him.”

“Oh.”

We reach a small park, both of us gravitating toward it naturally. The shadows always were our playground. I think about everything he told me, trying to find a solution.

“I loved you,” I say at last, “but that didn’t stop me from leaving. I had to, for my own good, because staying with you was costing me more than I could give back. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” Tim says, “but I wasn’t… You heard Ryan the other night. I’ve tried breaking it off before. He always threatens to do something drastic.”