Page 42 of When Ben Loved Jace (He Loved Him #2)

“Uh-huh. I’d never done anything like that before.

If I had, I would have realized it was much too cold out.

We ended up running back to his clearing, my clothes soaking up the water, because we didn’t have a towel.

Everything he did was spontaneous. Victor made me strip down and get in his sleeping bag while he started a fire.

Then he joined me. That was…” Jace exhales and shakes his head, as if overwhelmed. “That was my first time.”

He checks my reaction to this.

I’m smiling. “That’s so romantic!”

“It was nice,” he admits. Then his eyes move to the undeveloped woods that hug one side of the lake. “Do you want to keep going?”

“Yeah.” I take his hand. “I want to know everything. When you’re ready to tell me.”

Once we’re beneath a canopy of orange and yellow leaves, he takes a deep breath. “Years later, when I came here because Greg was worried, Victor was a real mess. I told you about his mother?”

“Yeah. She had Alzheimer’s and needed to be hospitalized.”

“Exactly. Victor had moved in to take care of her. That’s where he still was, even after she was placed in long-term care.

He wasn’t doing well without her. The power had been shut off, the curtains were pulled, and there wasn’t anything to eat.

I found him sitting in the dark. He seemed like he’d hit bottom, so I did what I could.

I got him cleaned up. I took him to see his mom.

I paid overdue bills so the utilities were turned back on.

I made sure he ate. Samson too. The poor little guy was starving.

I couldn’t stay though. I was still finishing college and had just blown through all of my savings.

So I asked Bernie for help. He gave Victor a job and would stop by to check on him, always bringing food, so he’d have something to eat.

By the time I left town, I thought everything was going to be okay.

And for a while, it was.” Jace’s hand clenches my own. “Then he went missing.”

We enter a small clearing. Jace stops at the edge.

He shakes me off suddenly and rushes over to a pile of debris in the leaves.

I’m puzzled when he attempts to lift this, but as he does, it’s revealed to be a flat structure—rows of branches tied together by rotting twine like a primitive raft.

No longer able to support its own weight, Jace’s efforts cause it to break in half. He lets go with a sigh.

“This used to be a special place,” he says, his voice raw when he turns to face me.

“This is where Victor lived?”

“Yeah. And where I came out to Greg, and slept with Victor, and so much more. We danced naked around the fire. He used to read poetry to me.”

My boyfriend is in pain. That much is obvious, but I don’t know what I can do to make him feel better. “We can rebuild it together,” I suggest .

“No. Victor would like that nature has reclaimed it. I think that’s what he wanted for himself too.”

“You said he went missing. Is that what happened? He got lost?”

“In a way,” Jace says, his head bowed. “Victor wasn’t doing well.

Bernie told me later that he started talking to himself a lot.

We all do, but not like this. Victor was responding to voices that no one else could hear.

He stopped showing up to work. And when he did, the shotgun behind the counter went missing too. ”

“Jace…”

He doesn’t seem to hear me.

“I came up here as soon as I found out. Bernie and I went looking together. We started at this mother’s house.

Victor didn’t answer the door. We weren’t sure he was in there, since the bank had foreclosed on it.

We had to break in, and when we did…” Jace’s hands start to tremble, and they don’t quit, even when I take them.

“The power had been shut off again. I couldn’t see much, but I still remember the smell.

I followed it to the living room. The curtains were open.

So were the windows. There was enough moonlight to see his pale legs on the floor, like he’d rolled off the couch and hadn’t woken up.

His feet were bare and… and I remember thinking that they must be cold, because it was freezing in that house and I tried— I…

I wanted to help him, but Bernie held me back.

He wouldn’t let me see—said that I shouldn’t.

And I know—” Jace sucks in a shuddering breath.

“—I know he was right and was trying to protect me, but it haunts me anyway, because I never got to see his face again. I only wanted to… If I could have held him one last time—” He shakes his head and begins to sob.

I wrap my arms around him. Jace clings to me, as if his life depends on it.

He keeps pulling on my body and my clothes, like I can’t possibly get close enough to shield him from the memories, but I try my best while crying, because I can’t stand for him to suffer like this.

It hurts worse than any pain I’ve ever inflicted upon myself.

“I’m so sorry,” I murmur as he weeps.

“I wanted to die,” Jace croaks. “I wanted to follow him so we could be together.”

“I’m glad you didn’t! I love you!”

Jace’s arms tighten around me, and I think he tries to say it back, but his voice is a squeak. I hold him until he calms down. As much as anyone can after undergoing that level of trauma.

“I had no idea,” I say while still hugging him. “I’m so sorry.”

All this time, I assumed that they had simply drifted apart, that Victor was still out there somewhere, living his own life.

“Not many people know,” Jace says when releasing me to wipe at his face. “I never even told Adrien. But I need you to know… because I love you too.”

I understand finally, how much trust it must have taken to share this part of his story with me.

“There’s one thing I’ve never told anyone,” Jace says, his chest still heaving. He stares at me before seeming to reach a decision. “This is where I scattered his ashes. Victor is still here, when I need him. I just have to come to this place. It’s…” He struggles to find the right word.

“Sacred?” I suggest.

Jace swallows. Then he nods. “Yeah.”

He sits cross-legged on the ground, as if exhausted, and takes a deep breath, his hands splayed across the fallen leaves around him.

I get down too, stretching out on my back so I can rest my head in his lap.

He tells me more stories. Happy memories that sometimes cause tears of their own, and I feel honored.

Tim coming back into my life almost drove us apart.

Victor does the opposite. His memory brings us closer together.

Jace expresses a similar sentiment as we begin the walk back to his childhood home.

“Bernie lost his son to suicide. Victor’s death wasn’t easy on him either.

But sometimes, when you’ve gone through the same kind of pain, it makes it easier to heal each other, like that suffering cut a path from their heart straight through to yours. ”

I take his hand. “Thank you for telling me,” I say with a tight throat.

His fingers intertwine with mine. “You’ve given me so much, Ben. Not just love, but hope as well.”

I snuggle close to him, the woods around us still echoing with youthful dreams from a time long past but not yet forgotten.