Page 60 of When Ben Loved Jace (He Loved Him #2)

Tim, to his credit, weathers this abuse gracefully.

As for my husband, he manages to hide his satisfied smirk most of the time.

Beyond the trial by fire, things become more civil between them.

Tim doesn’t flirt with me. Any memories he shares avoid acknowledging the romantic relationship we used to have.

And to my absolute delight, they actually seem to enjoy each other’s company at times.

Tim’s interest in art and architecture often intersects with Jace’s love for geography and history.

Nothing is more surreal than seeing them engage so deeply in a subject that they seem to forget I’m there.

I don’t mind not being their focus. If anything, it gives me hope, because I have a greedy heart.

Why can’t it be both of them? As in all three of us together.

“Tim looks a lot more like his old self,” I mention casually one evening while doing the dishes with my husband.

“I didn’t notice,” Jace says, not expressing any interest in the subject.

“He’s trimmed down a little. While also bulking up.”

“Maybe he should see a doctor. That doesn’t sound healthy.”

I laugh before trying to broach the subject from a different angle. “Are you only into white guys or something?”

Jace shakes his head. “Victor was Native American.”

“Oh.”

“What are you really asking?”

“Do you think Tim is hot?” I blurt out. “Like at all?”

Jace shrugs. “Sure. But he’s not my type. ”

“He’s not?”

Jace tosses the dish towel over his shoulder and turns to face me. “Take a look in the mirror. Tim would have to lose a lot more weight. And some height. Even then… He isn’t you. So no. Tim isn’t my type.”

I’m moved by this. And discouraged. Especially when I raise the same subject with Tim, when he meets me at the hospital for lunch one day.

“I wish I could clone Jace,” I say casually, “so you could have one of your own.”

Tim immediately shakes his head. “I don’t wanna date someone taller than me. It’s emasculating.”

“I never realized how in demand short guys are,” I reply.

Tim shrugs. “If you were going to clone someone, I’d take a couple of you.”

“Why more than one?”

Tim winks at me. “I can’t answer that, but trust me, I’d get a lot of use out of them both.” His eyes widen suddenly before he swiftly changes the subject. “Hey, the food here is actually good! So much for the old stereotypes.”

A friend and nothing more. That’s all Tim will ever be to Jace.

And to me. I try to make my peace with that, because I like having them both around.

I feel whole. Just about. The toughest part is when Jace goes out of town.

The loneliness I feel then used to act as a reminder of how much I love him.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And apparently, more appreciative of options closer in proximity, because I can feel myself slipping.

I don’t want to, knowing it will result in an ending one way or another, but my transgressions—no matter how small—are starting to pile up.

Like when we invite Tim over to watch a movie with us.

I often stretch out on the couch so I can rest my head in Jace’s lap.

While at home, it simply feels natural, even with company over.

So that’s what I do, thinking it will remind everyone of who belongs with whom.

Except with Tim sitting on the far end of the couch, there isn’t enough room.

My socked feet end up resting against his outer leg.

I’m not wiggling my toes to get his attention or anything flirtatious.

Our bodies simply happen to touch… which absorbs my complete attention for the rest of the movie.

As the credits roll, Tim rises to use the restroom.

He squeezes one of my feet before standing, perhaps urging me to give him a little space, but from the way my heart starts racing, it might as well have been an intimate kiss.

I don’t love Jace any less. As strange as it might sound, my feelings for him are heightened by all of this, our lovemaking intensified, since he’s the only one who can meet my needs.

I feel so damn much for both of them. Enough that I’m distracted at my day job and struggle to learn the lines of an upcoming play. The sleepless nights don’t help.

Such as now. The bed next to me is empty.

Jace won’t be home for another two days.

Hot night air blows through the open window, sheets tangled up around my waist. This time of year always makes me think of Tim.

The end of summer is when we first met. And reunited back in college.

In both instances, despite how impossible it seemed that I would ever know his touch, we ended up together, an invisible force pulling us together.

Our own personal gravity. I roll over onto my side, staring into the dark until a notification lights up the room.

I grab my phone, already knowing who the text will be from.

I can’t sleep.

I chew my bottom lip before sending my reply.

Neither can I.

He doesn’t respond after that, which is more powerful a message than words could have conveyed.

I want him. So bad that it’s burning me up from the inside out.

I’ve got a boner that won’t quit. I think long and hard about the consequences.

Then I slip out of bed, get dressed, and grab my car keys.

Samson follows me to the front door, meowing plaintively.

“Everything is going to be okay,” I tell him, slipping outside while wondering if that could possibly be true. I don’t see how. There is no cure for this affliction. What I feel for him is chronic.

I turn up the stereo on the drive over to Tim’s house, wanting to drown out my thoughts.

I don’t trust them right now. They’ll want me to deviate from my path, but I can’t.

This has already gone too far. There’s no turning back.

When I reach my destination, I’m not at all surprised to see Tim sitting on the front stoop, like he’s been waiting for me.

I get out, slowing only to pet Chinchilla when she rushes over to greet me, before closing the distance between caution and overwhelming desire .

Tim takes a swig of the bottle he’s holding. Then he sets it aside and shakes his head. “You shouldn’t be here, Benjamin.”

“You’re right,” I say with a swallow. “That’s why I didn’t wait until tomorrow. I need to be here now, when I feel so weak. Otherwise, I’ll keep convincing myself that I can handle this, when we both know I can’t.”

Tim studies me. Then he sighs. “You’re doing the right thing.”

“It’s not like before. I’m not leaving you.”

“Yeah you are.” He pats the stoop next to him. “Just give me a little longer.”

I sit, leaving enough distance that we won’t touch, even by chance. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I sent that text, didn’t I?”

I swallow. “When I look back on everything, we’ve always been guilty of the same crime. We wanted each other, regardless of all the reasons it couldn’t work. But in those rare moments, when it was just the two of us…”

“In our own private little universe,” Tim says with a nod. “Those were good times. The best of my life. Which is really saying something, because me and Eric, we came real close to that. Almost, but not quite.”

“I’d like you to find someone special again. I don’t want you to be by yourself.”

“Part of me is looking forward to it,” Tim says. “I need to figure out who I am when I’m on my own.” He leans forward to rub Chinchilla’s head affectionately. “Besides, I won’t be completely alone.”

“What are you going to do? I want to be able to imagine your life. I hated not knowing. It was torture.”

“Yeah. Same here.” He exhales and shrugs. “I’m not sure what’s next. Some travelling, maybe. Down to Mexico to see my grandma. And then…” Tim’s handsome face becomes introspective. “I started painting again. Maybe I can turn that into something.”

“You can. I know you will. I’m going to start looking every time we pass a gallery or go to a museum.”

“Don’t hold your breath,” he says dismissively. Then he considers me with transparent longing. “I wish I’d gotten to paint you again.”

“I wish a lot of things,” I reply, leaning against him .

He shifts and wraps an arm around me. “I really do love you, Benjamin.”

“I know.” My voice warbles. “I love you too.”

I let myself indulge in the warmth of his body once more before forcing myself to stand.

Tim doesn’t do the same, and I’m grateful, because this is already difficult enough.

The opportunity to be wrapped in his arms completely would rob me of the strength to leave.

I walk a few paces away before turning to face him.

Tim’s smile is tinged with sorrow, his silver eyes wavering. “Until next time?”

I swallow against rising tears before nodding. “Yeah. Until next time.”