Page 72 of Two Daddies for Little Jenna

"While we're apologizing," I interrupted. "I'm sorry too. I said some harsh things. I was convinced you were trying to save yourself by avoiding danger. But this shows how much your trauma has skewed your judgment. It makes no sense that you could keep Jenna safe by removing yourself out of her life."

Nick sighed and he seemed so tired. "I realize that now, yes. Michael was right. I've let my sorrow take over my life ever since Bradley's death. I wish someone would tell me how to get better, but there's nothing anyone can say or do that's gonna bring him back."

I nodded. "He's never coming back, and that's all the more reason you should move forward in your life. People die twice. The soul leaves the body the first time, and the second time is when someone remembers them for the last time ever. Don't be sad that he's gone. Be happy that you had the honor to know him most of his young life. Don't try to forget him. Instead, live your life celebrating his memory. You're here and he's not, but he's alive as long as you keep him in your thoughts. Do the things he loved in his remembrance. Stay close to his friends and family so you can celebrate his life together. I didn't know Bradley, but he would've wanted you to move on and live the rest of your life. It's because that's what any good friend would want. Yes, you'll always miss him, but you didn't kill him. The soldier on the other side did. Just like you weren't responsible for the car explosion that almost killed Jenna. The masked man from the cult was responsible. I know it's hard to believe, but you should trust me because I come to conclusions neutrally as an unbiased third party. I don't have any sorrow making these conclusions for me."

"He's right, Daddy," Jenna said as Nick wiped his tears. "Sometimes Daddies need a Daddy too. You say Littles should trust their Daddy's words because Daddies know best. You should listen to Daddy Clark. He only wants the best for you. We're never abandoning you again, Daddy. We'll be there with you through thick and thin because that's what love is."

"Okay," Nick said dragging out the word, still sounding unsure if things could get better. "What exactly do you suggest I do?"

"Healing is a process," I said. "Our girl should know. She started on the path months ago and it's still ongoing. There are times when it gets too much for her."

"It's true," Jenna added, nodding her head frantically. "Just the other day I had a panic attack reliving my memories in the basement. Felt claustrophobic. Thought the walls were going to close in on me and crush me."

"Sounds bad," Nick said, looking into her eyes lovingly. "I wish I was there to comfort you. I'm so glad I get to be a part of your life again."

"As I was saying," I continued. "Acceptance is the first stage of healing. You need to accept that you've let your sorrow take over your life. I'm glad you've accepted that now. The next step is to understand that you weren't at fault. You convinced him to enroll in the army, sure. But you had no ill intentions. You said you're a coward for not facing Bradley's wife yet. Well, you should face her then. It'll break your heart if she blames you, but at least you'd know the truth instead of wondering."

"Are you sure about that, Daddy?" Jenna asked. "It could be devastating if she blames him."

"I am. Nick said he wishes someone would tell him how to make things better. This is how. Nick should apologize to Bradley's wife because deep down, that's what he's always wanted since his death. Forgiveness."

Nick shook his head as tears rimmed his eyes. "I can't do that. You don't understand. Hoping she doesn't blame me is the only thing keeping me sane. If I know for sure that she does blame me, it'll be the end of the world for me. You both think I'm so brave and righteous, but the truth is I'm a coward."

"See, that's one of those times when your sorrow's talking." I put a hand on his knee and tapped it as a tear rolled down his cheek. "You need to identify and differentiate which thoughts are from the real you, and which ones are from your sorrow. We'll come with you. If she does blame you, yes, it'll feel like the end of the world, but you'll live. It's important to face your fears so you can move forward in life. You can't let what-ifs stop you from living your life."

Jenna still looked very unsure about the idea, but it wasn't very different from her visiting her parents in the prison to face her past. They could've said any number of mean things, but it was important because she got closure about their actions from the visit.

"You need to be brave for your girl's sake," I said when he just sat there frozen in doubt. "You need to get better so you can be the best Daddy in the world to your girl like you said you wanted. Don't we Daddies teach our Littles to be brave? That they can conquer anything and everything as long as they had us? Well, it's the same for Daddies. We'll be with you every step of the way. We'll hold your hand throughout the visit."

"Of course, you don't have to do it right now if you're not ready, Daddy."

"Fine," Nick finally said in the silence that followed. "We'll visit her tomorrow."

Irrespective of whether or not Bradley's wife blamed Nick, I was sure he'd be glad to know the truth.

"You won't regret it," I said as Jenna gave him another hug. "Now, let's get some food in you. You look like you've been starving for weeks. Jenna, do you want to cook your favorite meal for your Daddy?"

"There's some pasta in the fridge," Nick said absent-mindedly. "Just reheated it. Must be still warm."

Nick looked too sad to move from the couch, so Jenna ran to fetch the plate of pasta. The poor man was barely the person Jenna and I had come to know. Undealt feelings and emotions were so dangerous, they wouldn't stop until they consumed the person whole.

Putting the plate on the coffee table, Jenna and I grabbed a fork each. A small smile crept on Nick's face at the realization. He was going to be fed, just like him and I had taken turns feeding Jenna dozens of times before. He was a Daddy, but he didn't protest. Instead, he opened his mouth when I brought the fork to his mouth.

"Who knew food tastes so much better when you have people in your life," Nick said after chewing the little airplane Jenna had made with the fork.

"Thank you, Daddy Clark," Jenna said to me halfway through. "Thank you for helping Daddy Nick."

"Of course, sweetheart. Anyone who means so much to my babygirl means just as much to me. We became a family the day you wanted us to be one."

Chapter 33: Nick

"Everything's going to be alright, Daddy." Jenna rubbed small circles on my back, giving it a firm pat before breaking the hug.

I'd been sitting in the car outside Megan's house for the past few minutes. Clark had driven us while Jenna sat in the backseat comforting me throughout the journey.

"Sorry, this is turning out to be harder than I thought. But having the two of you here gives me so much strength. I never thought I'd be facing Megan again, not after what I'd done."

"You're overthinking again, aren't you?" Jenna scolded. "Daddy told you not to think too hard and he's right. I'll have to take you over my knee and spank you if you think any harder. Reserve self-loathing for after you face Megan."