Page 71 of Two Daddies for Little Jenna

My initial thoughts after taking a break from Jenna was to drown myself in work. I thought it was the only way to numb the pain. It had worked before so I hoped it'd work again, but I was too paralyzed by sorrow to move a muscle. I spent my days locked up in my apartment, watching all of Jenna's favorite films. I wasn't into films at all, but Jenna had given me a list of must-watch films, most of which had turned out to be animated or horror. That lasted for a few days but soon I began missing her with every cell of my body.

I wasn't answering any calls and the only time I saw people was when I sometimes went downstairs to spend some time in the Little playroom. I guess I hoped to see my sweet girl from a distance. I got to meet Michael a few times there and he expressed his concerns, and so did his Daddy. It was so like Littles to comfort and reassure that everything was going to be alright. The very first question I always asked Michael was about Jenna. My heart skipped a beat each time I waited for an answer. I thanked the stars every time Michael said she was still safe and alive.

"I can't see you like this anymore, uncle Nick," Michael had said when he came over to my apartment earlier today. "It hurts too much. Past is in the past. It's a bridge that leads nowhere. You can't live your life as a shrine to your past while the rest of your life passes you by. If I've learned anything from all the death, it's that life's too short. You should do what you want to do before it all gets taken away from you. If you want Jenna back, you shouldn't wait till it's too late."

"My boy's right," John had said. "You haven't mourned Bradley's death, instead choosing to ignore your guilt and drown yourself in work. Look where it got you. You're barely the man we know anymore. You've let your sorrow take over your life, and it's affected your judgment. The Nick I know would've never pushed his girl away."

Now I was back in the Little playroom at my club when Michael and John left. There was a Little event later on, so if there was any chance I'd get to see her sweet face again, it had to be tonight. Just as I'd hoped, I saw my sweet bunny in the distance, turned away and talking to Marcus, wearing a red miniskirt and hair tied up in a ponytail.

I ran up to her and grabbed onto her hand with a smile. "Jenna, how I've missed you. Daddy's sorry, darling."

The girl turned to look at me and shrieked, pulling her hand away before bolting. It wasn't my babygirl after all. I was so sleep-deprived I must be seeing things.

"God, Nick," Marcus said as he shook his head. "I'll go check up on her. Are you alright? You look terrible, mate."

Ignoring his question, I bolted out of there and up to my apartment, locking myself in and slamming my body against the door. That was it. It was the last time I was leaving my apartment. The real world was beginning to seem too much for me. I couldn't pay attention to my surroundings when I was so lost in my thoughts, alternating between losing Jenna and getting my best friend killed.

I ran up to the mirror in my bedroom and pressed my hands against it.

"Coward," I whispered, running a hand through my bright red hair.

It was what I was, for choosing to take the easy road. Maybe Clark had been right all along, that I was a horrible Daddy for abandoning Jenna when she needed me the most. The reasons didn't matter. No Daddy would ever do that to his girl. I couldn't believe how much I'd let my sorrow take control as John had said. I always told myself I'd be the best Daddy Jenna could ever have, but I had strayed far from it. But it was too late now. Clark seemed so mad at me for what I did. He'd never let me anywhere near his girl again. He loved her too much to risk getting her heart broken all over again. Besides, I wasn't strong enough to fight these feelings of guilt and sorrow on my own. I was breathing while Bradley wasn't, and it was all my fault. Nothing was ever going to change that.

Moving my face closer to the mirror, I noticed the dark circles under my eyes and my messy hair. God, I was beginning to let myself go. I hadn't gone to the gym ever since I last saw Jenna. It looked like I had lost a good chunk of the gains I'd worked so hard for, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered as long as I didn't have my babygirl by my side. It felt like a piece of me was missing, and I didn't know how to get it back. I woke up every day and walked around with a gaping hole in my chest, pretending everything was fine. I ignored the anxiety rising in my chest. Each passing day only made me desperate to make myself whole again.

Heading over to the kitchen, I reheated the cheesy pasta that I was supposed to have for lunch earlier. I had lost my appetite, but I hoped since it was Jenna's favorite, I'd be able to finish it this time. I sat at the table and moved my food around the plate. I'd been so desperate to cling onto the little things that made me feel closer to Jenna. Cheesy pasta, taking long baths, baking cookies, animated and horror films. These were the things that made me feel she was still around. Sometimes I liked to tell myself she was just outside with her Daddy, out on a playdate with Michael, or at the park under the tree which was supposed to be our secret spot, or visiting her siblings. She'd be back soon. She had to. She couldn't live without her Daddy. And so I prepped the changing table with all the designer-clothed diapers, created a playlist of all the horror films we'd watch together, and bought a bunch of bedtime stories I would read when she returned. Then when I went to bed, I told myself she'd return tomorrow. But deep down I knew very well I was the one who had kicked her out of my life, and these were my coping mechanisms. She was never coming back because she was too good for me, and because I'd been stupid enough to push away the only good thing in my life.

Taking a bite of the dinner, I made a face. I didn't know why, but I just couldn't eat when I was upset or anxious. Breakfasts were far easier since it wasn't right after spending an entire day of worrying and self-loathing.

"What have I done?" I whispered to myself when I accidentally knocked over the glass of milk all over the table.

"What have I done?" I whispered again, but this time realizing how much I'd irreparably screwed up.

Pushing the plate of dinner back into the fridge, I changed up the mess on the table. It wasn't too late in the night, but being lost in your thoughts all day could be tiring. The only escape was sleep, where my actions couldn't haunt me. Just as I was about to head to bed, the doorbell rang.

I wished concerned well-wishers dropped by during the day instead. Marcus liked to check up on me now and then in the evening, but I kept our meetings brief. Being nice and polite to people during conversations came naturally to me, but lately, it was beginning to seem like hard work. Everyone's advice fell on deaf ears because I felt too tired to do anything about my worries. It was times like these that Bradley's last words echoed in my head more frequently than usual, and it made me wish the lord would just take me rather than put me through this misery.

I don't want to die. I'll never get to see my son.

With a sigh of exasperation, I opened the door. My heart skipped a beat as I just stood there in disbelief. I must've been hallucinating.

Chapter 32: Clark

With Jenna in my arms, we just stared at Nick for a few beats in disbelief.

"You're here," Nick said with tears in his eyes as Jenna climbed out of my lap and threw her arms around him. "You're really here."

"Good god, man," I said as Jenna buried her face in his chest. "What the hell happened to you? Michael was right. You haven't been taking care of yourself. I thought you wanted this, to have Jenna out of your life."

It had only been a few weeks but he managed to lose a good chunk of his weight. It looked like he'd been wearing the same clothes for days now, and his bright red hair didn't seem as bright anymore. He seemed drowsy but I could tell he wasn't able to get much sleep from the dark circles.

"Well," Nick said, leading us inside and onto the couch. "As it turns out, I'm not the best at making decisions."

Michael and John were right. It was beginning to look like Nick truly believed he was keeping Jenna safe by removing himself from her life. It didn't have anything to do with him wanting to save his own life in the face of danger. By the looks of it, he wasn't really big on saving his own life.

"Sorry, Daddy." Jenna sniffled as tears began running down her cheeks. "I should've refused to leave. I didn't know the trauma you were going through was this severe. I abandoned you when you needed me the most."

"I abandoned you first," Nick corrected with a smile, stroking one of her pigtails like he always liked. "I'm sorry too, but I've learned my mistake. You give me a purpose to live, Jenna."