Page 50 of This Blood That Breaks Us (This Blood That Binds Us, #3)

Forty-Two

Luke

I didn’t remember the car ride back to the castle. Only the hum of the car engine and the hot air on my face. Ezra’s car smelled like leather polish, and that was the only thing keeping me from fully dissociating. Nothing felt real. I was wondering if I had died senior year when I got shot. I hadn’t seen it coming. Much like this. That made more sense than everything that followed.

I should be more positive.

My familiar inner voice tried to level with me, but did it matter anymore? What was the point? Zach was fine. Will and Thane were alive. That counted for something.

I blinked, and we were in the castle. Walking like my shoes were filled with lead, I couldn’t feel my feet hitting the carpet.

Ezra dragged me beside him, and I tried not to focus on the stickiness of the blood on my shirt or the smell of it.

I knew where he was taking me. I felt Her in my blood as I got closer.

She was in Her room wearing a silk nightgown, and Her hair was braided out of Her face. I’d never seen it braided.

I expected Her to smile at my state or to tell me it was my own doing and I deserved to be hurt, but She didn’t. She stroked my cheek with a furrowed brow.

“He’ll need a change of clothes. Will you send for them?”

Ezra nodded.

“Would you like to shower?” She said.

I couldn’t look at Her. I shook my head. I was already cold.

“I’ll leave them by the door.” Ezra nodded. The door clicked, but I didn’t check to see if he was gone.

She guided me to the bed. Was it possible to lose myself in Her, then She’d save whatever had broken in me? I could be good. I could be the person She wanted. It was my fault, but I could mend it. She’d be merciful. I’d strayed from Her path, but I could do better. I’d do it all. Appease the queen and save everyone else.

The pieces of my former self were scattered so irretrievably I didn’t even know how to pick them up again, and for the first time, I didn’t want to.

She helped me with my shirt, and a few seconds later, She wiped my face with a cloth. I stopped Her.

“You don’t have to do that. You shouldn’t.”

“Let me take care of you.”

A lump gathered in my throat. “No. I don’t want you to. I should be taking care of you.” As if I could move.

When I looked at Her, I knew I was staring at something otherworldly. Whatever She was, She couldn’t love me.

“You don’t have to take care of everyone else all the time.” She stroked my cheek, and I was crushed under the weight of Her words. “What is it, Love?”

“Don’t.” I buried my head in Her lap, and sadness swelled like a rushing wave. “Please don’t pretend anymore. I can’t take it.”

Or do. Because it’s all I wanted. For Her to care about me and make this pain end. I was crying again and didn’t think anyone would ever be able to stop it. No one was coming for me. She was all I had left that made any sense, but She didn’t love me. It wasn’t real.

She stroked the hair resting on my forehead and pulled my face up to meet Hers. “I’m yours. There’s no need to pretend.”

I couldn’t stop crying. Broken things leaked, and I was open and cracked. Empty and unable to ever be filled again. The pain in my chest was at an all-time high and was killing me.

“Are you upset because you couldn’t be with the girl? Because I can give you anything you need . . . ”

Her lips caressed my neck, slow and tender.

With two hands on Her shoulders, I pushed Her away. I never wanted Her to stop touching me, but I didn’t want Her like that. I did but I didn’t. Not when I felt so cold and numb. I knew it would leave me feeling more empty.

“Would you like to see her?”

“Who?

“Cecily. Your friend. She seems to make you happy.”

“Y-you could do that?”

She nodded. “The eclipse has made me very strong. She won’t be out for another moon cycle. I think she’d enjoy seeing you.”

I wiped my face.

“But . . . won’t you be angry at me?”

“Why would I, My Love? We are one. You belong to both of us now. I’d like to do whatever will make you happy.”

Trust me, My Love.

Her voice sounded in my head, and I pressed Her forehead to mine.

“Okay.”

She leaned in to kiss me with Her cold lips. The queen was ice on the heat of my skin, and it burned. When She pulled back, Her irises were flushed with emerald, then her eyes softened.

Cecily immediately pulled me into an embrace. “Luke. I’m so sorry.”

“Why is this happening?” I pulled her face into my hands and was comforted by the flush of her skin on mine.

I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know her. Our time together was built on fleeting minutes and terrible circumstances, but I cared about her. I wanted to save someone , even if it couldn’t be me. And her touch was soft and sure and comforting.

“I can’t help. I’m sorry.”

“Tell me what to do. Tell me how to help you. Tell me how to save us, and I’ll do it.”

“I can’t.”

“But I can do it. I know I can. Don’t you believe me?” Another tear fell.

She kissed me while wrapping her hands in my hair and pulling me into her. It was a hard pull and a different, desperate kind of need. It wasn’t Her. It wasn’t Her gravity. This was better. This was affection and warmth. It was real . She burned hot beneath my fingertips. My tears stopped falling. I focused on the taste of her tongue and the warmth of her breath.

“You can’t save me. Stop fighting. Please. It’ll hurt less if you stop.”

When she pulled away, tears were rolling down her cheeks.

“But you said . . . ”

“I know. But I don’t want you to keep getting hurt. Please.”

“Are you crying for me?”

“Yes. Please. Don’t fight. Ask Her to help you, and She will.”

I was hurting them. Cecily. My brother. Everyone. Because I refused to let go. Because I was fighting. I was tired of hurting people with my brokenness. My weakness prevented me from saving them. There had to be a different way.

“I don’t know how.” I kissed her, and I kissed her again. “Tell me how.”

“Just let go, Luke. Let go.”

Her lips were on mine again. Every press of her lips on my cheek and my neck had me falling. Faster and faster. I pulled at her hair. Her skin. Her face.

Falling. I was falling. And it felt so good .

I’d let go with no intention of ever grabbing the ledge again. Falling was peaceful.

I’d finally let go and hardly recognized the feeling of leaving the ledge. As soon as Cecily left, I felt the pull of Her. I kissed Her and fell into Her like it wouldn’t kill me.

“Help me.” The words were a prayer. “Help me. Please. I’ll be good. I’ll pray. I’ll try anything.”

“My Love, I’ll take your pain from you, and you’ll never have to worry about it again. Would you like that?” She used Her thumb to stroke my cheek.

It would have been easier if She was mean to me. If She was the monster everyone seemed to think. But to me, She wasn’t. She was more.

I nodded.

Is this what I’d wanted all along? All those nights spent in pain led me to Her bedroom. It could mean only one thing. She was right all along.

I always wanted my life in ruins. It was my destiny to have Her lips on mine. To be so entangled with Her I’d never get free. That’s why it never worked with Sarah. Sarah’s death was only a direct consequence of trying to strive for anything other than what was mine. And She was mine. The want that mattered.

She was the gravity and the sun simultaneously pulling me in and dragging me down, but I welcomed the euphoria of falling, even at knowing the ground was coming. She was my queen now and forever.

I was falling. Down. Down.