Page 49 of This Blood That Breaks Us (This Blood That Binds Us, #3)

Forty-One

Luke

I went to the bathroom while the room was spinning. I’d drank too much. Drinking with my brothers was fun, but drinking alone in my current state only made me feel haunted. I adjusted my coat, then I was lost again, thinking of Sarah and of that night. It had to be because of that girl at the bar.

I stared at myself in that mirror, and I was transported back to senior prom.

I could feel Sarah’s hands on me and the sweet candy scent of her skin.

“No, Luke, what do you want?”

“I don’t know . . . ”

“Not what your brothers want or what anyone else wants. What do you want?”

Her hands were on my coat, pulling me till we were chest to chest. There were a million other places we could have been. Instead, we were alone together in her childhood bedroom. Her dad worked nights. The room was dark, besides the moonlight from the window and the glow from the stars on the ceiling.

What did I want? Did it matter? There was no want. Only what had to be done. What should be done.

“Luke?”

“Sarah. I can’t.”

“Just answer the question. Don’t think about anything else. What do you want?”

Her hair was peppered with glitter and her face painted with glitter stars over her freckles. She was fit to be a queen. I twirled her blue butterfly necklace between my fingers, and our breaths synced. She wore a short iridescent lilac dress, and I tried not to think of her as anything other than a friend. But it was impossible when she looked that beautiful.

“I want . . . ”

It never mattered what I wanted. I didn’t get to choose things like that.

“It’s okay to want something for yourself.”

Towering over her, I let my hand fall to her chest where her breath grew deeper. This time I kissed her. Long and slow until her back hit the wall. My hand stopped at the zipper on the back of her dress.

What did I want? I wanted to be normal for a night. I wanted Sarah to be mine.

“I want you,” I whispered. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted.”

In seconds, her dress was on the floor and my suit was crumpled next to it. It was our first time. That night was meant for her, and though it was painful to remember, it was one of my favorite memories.

The only person I ever told was Zach. Had that night never happened, she’d never have been targeted. I should have stuck to my gut. I shouldn’t have let things go that far, or she’d be alive. It was my fault.

Stop. Luke. Stop.

Steadying myself on the edge of the bathroom sink, I willed myself into the present with the stench of alcohol in the air and the puke in the next stall. That Luke didn’t exist. All the glamour of the night had faded away and all that was left was me. I slammed my fist into the mirror, and it shattered with a satisfying crack.

I forced myself out the door and back into the bar. My brother was gone. He’d let go. It was my turn. I spotted the girl again with her bright smile and her chirpy voice while she laughed with her friends.

“I wouldn’t do that.” Ezra was next to me again, sipping on his drink.

“I’m only going to talk to her.”

“No, you aren’t.”

“Yes, I am. And why can’t I? I didn’t see you lecturing my brother.”

“You’re not Zach. Your path will be different than his.”

We shared everything, including the fate of The Guard. Why not this too?

“Who do you think takes my place when I die? That’s you.”

“And what does this have to do with that? Don’t I get a say in what I want to do?”

He sighed. “It’s not a good idea.”

“Thanks. I’ll note it.” I walked past him and took my last shot from the bar. A short conversation would hurt nobody. That’s all I wanted. I was properly free. Free from any responsibility, and I couldn’t remember the last time that had ever happened.

She saw me coming and smiled when I lost my footing and had to steady myself on the wooden pillar.

“Hi. I’m Luke.”

Her friend grabbed her arm and whispered in her ear, but she waved them off.

“Hi Luke.” She examined me for a moment. “You have kind eyes.”

The glitter around her eyes danced in the lights. I was taken back. Her green eyes were soft and full of life.

“You do too.” I chuckled.

I didn’t have girlfriends, and being with Sarah was easy. I was good at friends, but flirting wasn’t my strong suit. Luckily, I didn’t need to.

“Do you want to dance?” she asked, and with no drink in her hand, she seemed to be sober.

A dance wouldn’t hurt.

“If you’ll have me.” I held out my hand, and she smiled and curled her hand around mine.

A silver butterfly ring on her finger gleamed in the light. My stomach sank.

“Are you okay?”

I shook off the tightness in my chest and nodded. The time disappeared as I spun her on the dance floor, and she flowed easily with me. She was a natural. I dipped her and we spun in an endless flurry until she needed to catch her breath. That was my que to dip out.

“Where are you going?”

“You should go with your friends,” I said.

“Did I do something?”

“No. No. It’s me. I’m messed up. You don’t want anything to do with me. I promise.”

Her eyebrows dipped. “You shouldn’t talk about yourself like that.”

She grabbed a receipt from the bar and scribbled her number on it. “Call me if you ever need someone to talk to. My sisters say I’m a good listener.”

“O-okay.”

She kissed me on the cheek before rejoining her friends, and the unfamiliar flutter of happiness warmed my chest. Ordering another drink, I tried to entertain myself. I wanted to talk to Zach, but he’d probably gone home with that girl. The bar patrons had grown sparse, so I tried to spot anyone else I knew. The other members must have started home. I wasn’t tired, but something in my stomach made me feel restless. The girl left too, and I gave it only ten more minutes before I decided to go home. My new home where I hoped She’d be happy to see me.

Leaving the bar, the cold wind hit my face. I stood frozen.

Ezra was waiting for me with a knife to the girl’s throat. Tears stained her cheeks, and glitter was all over his hands.

“What—”

Before I could finish, the spray of blood from her neck hit my face.

That warm feeling was back, and my ears were ringing again. The night disappeared, and suddenly, I wasn’t in my body anymore. I was trembling but didn’t feel like myself anymore. I wasn’t Luke. This wasn’t happening. I couldn’t move.

“I’m sorry.” Ezra’s voice felt far away as I stumbled back into the wall.

My numb hands moved up to wipe the blood from my eyes. I was covered in it. Hot stickiness clung to my skin. His voice was pulling me back to the present, but I didn’t want to go. Some of the other members picked up her body, then cleaned up the scene.

The panic spread as my chest tightened. I couldn’t even ask for Zach. I didn’t want his help. I didn’t want him to see this and try to make me feel better. Ezra inched closer to me, and my body crashed to the ground. Though it didn’t feel like my body anymore. I moved away to shield myself from him.

“D-don’t hurt me. Please. Please.” The voice coming from my lips wasn’t mine.

“Oh Luke, I’m not going to hurt you. I promise.” Ezra’s eyes softened as he took another step toward me. He leaned down till he was eye level, and I tried to squirm away. I should run , I thought, but I was frozen.

I hated myself and my weakness at that moment. I should have been able to fight it or stand up for myself, but all I could do was sit on the ground and shake. I was so pathetic.

Ezra’s hands were on my face as he used a handkerchief to wipe the blood. “You’ll be okay. It’s okay. I’m sorry. I tried to warn you. She ordered me to kill anyone you touched tonight. She said you’d be tempted to stray from The Divine Path.”

I said nothing. I wanted to push him off me, but his touch was the only thing that didn’t hurt. My gaze settled on the red pooling at my shoes, and the sob left my throat. What was my body count up to now? The number of people’s lives I’d ruined was in the double digits and climbing. This girl probably had a family and friends who would have to live with the reality that she was gone, killed brutally, and for what? For me?

I continued to cry. Hating myself for every single tear that fell. I didn’t deserve to cry for her. It happened because of me, because I was wrong.

“I’m going to help you. You’re going to get through this.”

I hated him, and I hated what we were. There was no positive in this. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t find one or a solution that would make any of it go away.

“I-I didn’t . . . I can’t.” I didn’t know what I was saying. It would have been better if he’d left me there to cry in the dirt till sunrise.

“I’m going to help you. I promise. It won’t always be like this.” Ezra grabbed my head and laid it on his shoulder.

Then I finally came undone. A sob broke through my throat, and I buried my head into his shoulder. I hated us, but he was all I had in that moment, and that gave me the hope that days would get better. I hated The Family, yet loved them all dearly at the same time. I was broken, and he was the only thing keeping me from severing completely. My chest burned, ached, and screamed for my attention.

“Shhh. It’s okay. You’ll be home soon. You’ll be close to Her, and you’ll feel good as new.”

I relaxed a little at the thought. A confusing mix of emotions made my head spin. I was glad Zach had a different path. I wanted him away from Her, but I wanted him to protect Her. I wanted Ezra to get off me, but his shoulder was warm in the cold night, and I needed something . Anything to make the pain in my chest stop.

He caressed my head, the way a dad comforts a child, and I let go. Slowly, I returned to my body. I let him calm me and let the image of going home to Her bring me comfort. I needed no one else but Her. I could get through it if I had Her. It was my fault, and I couldn’t remedy it, but I could devote myself entirely to Her. Show Her there was no one else I’d rather be with. Then we could pass into eternity. I’d never be apart from Her, and a tragedy like that would never happen to anyone else ever again.