Page 38 of This Blood That Breaks Us (This Blood That Binds Us, #3)

Thirty-One

Zach

I opened and closed my hand. It had been a few days since Sirius took a knife to my fingernails. He’d forced me down with a crazed look in his eye, mumbling about the prophecy and The Divine, when I was too weak to push him off me. I’d since avoided him. Ezra said I should forgive him and that families fight, but I would have never done that to my brothers. At least it was easy to hide the faint scars with my suit coat.

It confirmed what I knew about this place and left a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even if we complied with what they wanted, we’d still get hurt. I was glad it was me and not Luke, or I might have tried to kill Sirius, and that would have ended badly.

I shook off the thought. She was right. Fate was aligning, and Ascension was days away. My brother and I had a set path, and we needed to walk it.

“Sir, are you coming to the bonfire tonight? Everyone would appreciate your presence.” Connell was practically jumping up and down at the thought as he scrubbed the deck of the ferry.

I was partially hiding from Sirius and avoiding going to the old church to pray. If Sirius didn’t make me go—because he was an ass and got himself in trouble—I would not volunteer.

“I’m so not in the mood for that shit.”

After what happened with Sirius, the last thing I wanted to do was mingle with those assholes.

“That’s why you should come. We want to spend time with you before you ascend. We’re going to make an altar by the cliffside, drink, and tell stories.”

More cult shit. Nothing surprised me anymore. I didn’t want to burn off the last of my brain cells by participating in some weird ritual.

“Sounds like it could be a good distraction.” Luke appeared beside me, oddly chipper for such a gloomy day.

He didn’t spend the entirety of the night pacing in the room, thinking of Her. Why did She offer Her blood? It created an itch I couldn’t scratch.

I sighed. “What’s all the fuss about, anyway? We’re ascending. Doesn’t mean much for any of you.”

“It means everything, sir. The Guard is becoming whole again, and roles will shift. We’re coming into a new era of power. Things are aligning in our favor, and The Divine is on our side. Some say She’ll do more miracles and we’ll find lost brothers from all over who would have never found our family. That your bond will draw us closer together, and we’ll be able to serve Her better than ever before. You’re both ushering in a new generation. Who knows what we’ll be able to accomplish with you both leading us?”

Connell talked so fast his lips could barely keep up.

Luke looked at me with his eyebrows drawn. The last thing I needed was Luke worried or thinking. Thinking too hard about all this was much worse. Sometimes, the answer was to go with the flow.

“Fine. Let’s go jump around the fire and sing ancient ritual songs. Sounds like a fucking blast.”

Luke’s smirk turned into a radiant smile.

“I can’t wait to tell them Your Justness is coming! Oh, and Luke The Great, they’ll be so pleased.”

“Stop calling me that when I’m around,” I said.

“But I can when you’re not around, sir?”

“Knock yourself out.”

“I-I don’t think I’m able to, sir.”

“I think it’s quiet time, Connell.”

The night air was bone chilling next to the cliffside, and that was after I asked for another coat. All this shit about not getting cold as a vampire was bullshit. It wouldn’t kill me, and I wouldn’t shiver, but it didn’t feel good. Nothing in this place felt good.

I couldn’t believe I was sitting next to the fire with brainwashed, unstable scumbags. I guess I was a brainwashed, unstable scumbag too, but at least I knew that’s what I was. Most of them had no idea. Luke sat next to me looking way too excited to be a part of whatever the hell the ritual was. No one here had ever heard of a lawn chair. They’d taken their nice dining room chairs and set them up in the grass and dirt. Mom would have had a fit.

Poor Will would probably have to clean them. It wasn’t as fun giving him a hard time anymore since the queen was torturing him. He’d had another bad day, and Thane thought it would be better if they got locked in for the night. Doubted rituals would have been his thing anyway.

“Tonight is a very special night.” Henderson got up and spoke with a wine bottle in his hand. “Not only do we devote ourselves to our glorious queen as we celebrate the coming of the dark sun—just as it was foretold, but we get to share it with two of The Guard. I can’t put into words the honor of being present for your origin story into our family and to see you both grow into your roles. It’s a privilege I don’t take lightly. You’ll usher us into a glorious era.”

Luke and I shared the same look of wide-eyed amusement. It was a little funny. We were used to the strangeness by now, and laughing was better than crying. It’s possible we were cracking a bit. We should have been asking questions, turning up tables, and causing a scene, probably. Why were Luke and I the chosen ones? What was this “new era” they spoke of? I knew the answers they told me, but was any of it true?

“In two days, our family will be complete. The dark sun will come, and we’ll all be one.”

“I didn’t know he was so poetic.” I snickered to Luke.

He gave me the be nice look but smiled. Fun, unserious Luke was coming out to play, which meant weird cult ritual or not, it would be a night to remember.

“I’ll never forget the night Akira found me standing in a subway in New York. It’s a long story I’ll have to tell you both sometime but . . . I thought I was alone and my life was over, but he came out of the shadows and showed me a greater life with purpose. This family is all I’ve ever had, and we’re all exceedingly blessed to spend it with both of you. To you.”

He held up a wineglass, and they made a toast.

“Here. Take some of the wine. Guests of honor drink from the bottle.” Henderson handed the bottle to Luke, and he chugged a good bit of it.

“Well, ya were only supposed to drink a sip,” Connell said with a coy smile. “We should have said so.”

“Fuck it.” I grabbed the bottle and downed the rest.

There were loud cheers mixed with pounding and stomping on the dirt coming from our harmonious brotherhood. I kinda wanted to be like them. Under the spell and immersed into the bond. That could be what Ascension would mean for us.

I may not have gotten straight answers, but there were things I knew for sure. The thought of leaving the queen made my stomach turn, and being bonded to my brother hurt physically and mentally. I couldn’t deny those things like I couldn’t deny the fact that trying to fight this fate was futile.

Maybe all those guys were right. We were chosen. Somehow blessed with some bond that would make the brotherhood stronger and serve Her better and for longer. That meant the prophecy was real. It meant the entire thing was.

“Please, sir, if you’d both take your shirts off.”

“It’s cold as fuck.”

“Come on. Live a little.” Luke shed his shirt and threw it on the ground.

I rolled my eyes and wondered what had gotten into him. The moon bathed us from above, only adding to our temporary madness. I cursed my brother but shed my shirt. The cool air instantly bit into my skin.

“How’s it going, boys?” Sirius’s voice entered our circle.

I pulled my shoulders down and back and fought the growl in my throat.

Ezra and Sirius invaded our circle, and everyone bowed.

“We were about to start the blessing,” Henderson said.

“Don’t let us stop you.”

“They drank the wine, but it was a lot. Too much probably. I’m a little worried,” Connell said.

Sirius and Ezra eyed us with amusement.

“Not surprised. Continue on. We’re only observing.”

We were the ultimate spectacle. My brother and I watched as the group of men shed their blood into a large silver bowl.

“This is our offering to you. And to Her. May fate guide us all and the dark sun come and bless us abundantly.”

Henderson and a few others dipped their fingers into the pool of blood and used it to paint lines on our bodies. I flinched at the sticky wetness that ran from my fingers up my forearm. Three uneven lines. They repeated that pattern on each arm and down our backs and chests.

“What do the lines mean?” Luke asked.

You think we’d have asked when we got the tattoo before we were initiated, shocker—when we unknowingly agreed to join a cult, we didn’t care what it meant. We just thought “Hey, we’re part of the cool kids now.”

And that’s exactly how we ended up in the mess we were in.

Connell’s hand shot up like a schoolboy.

“Yes, you can say it, Connell.”

“The longest line is a symbol of the queen and Her connection to The Divine. The next one symbolizes The Guard and its strength to uphold The Divine’s plans and serve Her, and the last line symbolizes the brotherhood.”

“Lovely,” I said, trying to push out the sarcasm in my voice because no one there ever seemed to pick up on it.

“Let us pray,” Henderson said.

Everyone bowed their heads, even Sirius and Ezra.

“We thank Her Glorious Majesty for all She has supplied and endured on this plane for us. May She bless us and bless our new Guard with life and abundance. May the blood overflow and the bonds strengthen. Please Divine, guide us to greater destiny and show this new Guard The Divine Path. May they transform and be molded to Her liking so that they may serve our family with honor and true purpose. Amen.”

Hushed amens sounded along with the crackling embers of the fire and the roar of the ocean crashing on the cliffside close by. Their prayers sounded like my mom’s. Which meant they’d meant nothing and no one would hear or answer them.

Henderson poured the rest of the blood into the fire, and cheers erupted. Everyone stood, and chaos broke loose with shouts and movement.

“Now the celebration begins. To the maze!”

“To the maze!” the other boys repeated.

Luke handed me my shirt. “See, that wasn’t so bad.”

“I’m covered in blood, and they prayed about us like we’re a sacrificial animal.”

The wine hadn’t hit me yet, but it had to have hit him because he giggled at my words.

“Come on. Let’s do this stupid maze.”

I ushered Luke over to where all the boys were standing.

“Ezra says the first one to the end of the maze gets to forfeit all duties for a week. And you get to pick one person to serve you for a month,” Henderson said. “No rules. No limits. Get there any way you can, boys.”

“So it’s going to be a bloodbath, then?”

Nothing these guys ever did was without ruthlessness or blood. I didn’t think anyone heard me in the fray.

“Ready. Set. Go!” Those were the last words I remembered as Luke and I moved into the hedges.

My feet left the ground, and my body poised to run and then . . .

I wasn’t in the maze.

Sounds of laughter filled the night air, but I was far from it. Alone. Staring at the edge of the cliffside where the sky met the vast darkness of the ocean. The world moved slowly, unlike my heartbeat. I moved my hands over my face, and the world tilted on its axis, almost taking me down with it.

How long have I been out here? Did I miss the maze race?

The water swirled below. I couldn’t see far into the blackness, but the entire ocean was blending and moving in a way I could feel on my skin. I moved toward the edge. Why was I out here? And why alone?

You’re still holding back.

The queen’s voice filled my head, and I fought against the wind. There on the cliff’s edge, the soft mist hit my skin.

Prove your loyalty.

My heart kicked my ribs. The dark water churned below and swirled into the black abyss. I stepped closer.

She was right. I was resisting. I let the images flood my mind of what it might be like to give in and let Her consume me. What our future might look like together. I wanted Her to want me like I wanted Her, and I’d do anything to make it so.

Fall.

The word filled my head, and I stood with my toes at the edge of the cliff. I couldn’t have Her until I gave in. My skin pulsated, and I swear I felt my blood moving within my body. The water drew me closer. I wanted to jump if it meant She’d be there to catch me and consume all that was left of me. Then I’d finally be free of this place.

The wind picked up, and I lost my footing. I would fall, but I didn’t care. If She wanted it, I’d give it. She wanted me to fall. She wanted me to follow Her down to the bottom of hell.

Someone caught me and pulled me to the ground. I held my head, internally reeling at the dizziness.

“What are you doing?” Sirius’s voice was next to me, but I couldn’t open my eyes to see his face.

“Make it stop.”

“Were you going to jump?” He sounded worried.

“She wants me to jump. To show my loyalty. She doesn’t want me, but She will.” The words were poured out of me before I could even hope to catch them. “She doesn’t love me. No one cares. Luke cares. Only Luke.”

I felt a hand on my back and then on my head. “It’s the wine that makes you feel like that. It’s not true. Lay back on the grass for a minute.”

I did, and it made the ground shake and melt into me like quicksand. When I opened my eyes, the night sky was a vivid blending of spots and pulsing of lights. I was small and insignificant, like a terrified child.

I covered my eyes with a groan. “Please, make this stop. Do something.”

“It will pass soon.”

“You don’t want to help me. You hate me. You want me to suffer.”

“That isn’t true.”

“It is. I want Her to love me. I just want this to not hurt so much. Why do you hate me?”

“Sit up.” He pulled me up by my shirt but held my shoulders to steady me. “Look at me.”

“Everything is moving.”

“Stop complaining and open your eyes.”

Sirius was close to me. “I don’t hate you. I can’t hate you. It’s impossible.”

“It’s not real,” I said. I meant the bond and the blood didn’t matter. It was all fake.

“The queen does care about you. I know it feels different than what She has with Luke, but you’re special to Her. You test Her. It’s different but equally as cared for. If you jumped off the cliff, I’d come after you.”

“Because you have to.”

“No, because I care about you. You’re important to our family.”

I was shivering and hadn’t noticed. It was the drugs in the wine, but Sirius handed me his jacket and wrapped it over my shoulders.

“I’m sorry about what happened in the atrium. It was over the line. I was shocked to see how far your bond had progressed. It’s extraordinary. I just don’t want to see you making the same mistakes me and my brother did.”

“You never talk about your brother.”

“None of us do. None of us fully remember him. We traded our memories of him for peace. Not all of them. Just the good ones, which includes much of my childhood and memories before this place. My brother and I disguised ourselves as crew on a merchant ship in the late 1600s, but we were marauders. She was hidden in the monastery at the time, and we came to ‘take from Her extravagant beauty.’ Instead, we found Her. You think you and your brother are the only ones who struggled with the bond. But all of us did, aside from Akira. It’s different for us all. She told me Akira appeared one day, that he felt he needed to be somewhere, and he found Her on that feeling alone. My brother and I were different. I felt the pull much stronger than he did. We spent too long agonizing and holding onto our own bond that it tore us apart. I fear that’s the reason we failed and another pairing for Her was chosen by the stars.”

“Because of you and your brother?”

“Yes. Because we could not let go. Once we reached Ascension, we separated. We couldn’t care for each other and Her at the same time. And we barely talked after. It was never the same. I think things could have been different if we’d learned how to do both without it killing us. I think you and Luke can do that.”

The stars danced in the sky. The light and dark mixed into orbs and shapes that morphed into faces.

“What do the star gods want with me? I don’t get it.”

Sirius nudged my chest. “The Divine craves connection. It’s always looking for the strongest bond . . . Astra inclinant, sed non obligant .”

“Are you speaking in tongue now?”

Mom’s church used to. It scared me as a kid, and I thought it sounded like gibberish.

“It means the stars incline us, but they don’t bind us. The Divine guides us and gives us gifts, but it cannot control the bonds we forge. If the stars gave a gift—a woman that could cure all longing and join the lost, one that heals and gives abundantly more than we could ever hope to have as humans—wouldn’t they want us to protect it? That is what this is. A gift and an opportunity, and you are chosen because there is something in you that not everyone has in this world, something that cannot be fabricated even by the stars. Connection.”

I nodded, and my eyelids grew heavier. I was busy concentrating on not falling over into grass that seemed to whisper my name, but I felt the comfort of his words. My brother loved me, and I loved him, and for some reason, that made us special.

I moved my fingers to the warmth of my face, and it was wet with tears.

“What’s wrong?”

“I . . . miss my brother.”

Sirius smiled. “We’ll find him. I’ll help you to your room.”

I was talking about Luke, of course. Even with the world turned upside down, I wanted to see him happy and safe next to me, but I missed all my brothers. I missed Presley being my partner in crime and making me laugh. I even missed Aaron and all his golden boy, goody-two-shoes energy. My happiest moments were of all of us together. It hurt that it couldn’t be like that again.

Sirius reached for me.

“I can’t walk.”

“You’re my brother. I’ll carry you.”

I didn’t protest as he flung me over his shoulder, away from the roaring waters and the lingering faces in the stars above.