Page 26 of This Blood That Breaks Us (This Blood That Binds Us, #3)

Twenty

Luke

My heart was about to beat out of my chest. Come on, Luke. You’ve got this. Don’t let this beat you.

I splashed water on my face to try to stop the wave of adrenaline from taking me under. It shouldn’t have been so hard. My reflection stared back at me. I don’t know who I expected to find there. Not me. Not Luke.

I rubbed my chest where my ribs hurt. You’re okay. You’re safe.

I’d had a lot of practice with the panic but hoped it would stop showing up. I hoped for a lot of things. None of which seemed to ever turn out.

That didn’t mean they wouldn’t. Just not yet.

I wiped my face with a napkin and stepped out of the bathroom, and Ezra was waiting.

“You feeling okay?”

“I’m okay. I think . . . I’m going to go see the queen later, though. I want to see Her more often than only in the garden in the morning. I’m ready.”

I didn’t need to ask permission for anything anymore. For the most part, we were free to roam despite our attempted jail break. I couldn’t remember how long ago it had been. It could have been months or weeks. I didn’t know. I liked forgetting the days, and not paying attention to how many times the sun came and went was freeing. It was comforting not knowing.

I went to walk back to our table, but Ezra stopped me with a hand to the chest. “You’re not drinking Her blood, are you? She’s not offering?”

“No, it’s not like that.” It wasn’t. I liked being around Her. The mornings had become my favorite thing. Being around Her was my favorite thing. Not that it made me special. It was everyone’s favorite thing, but despite everyone, including my brother, telling me I was being brainwashed, I didn’t think it was because of the bond. I grew fond of Her. She was nice to me. Nicer than my new home had ever been. Our garden walks were the only sliver of rest I had.

“Because you’ve seen what’s happened to your friend now, haven’t you?”

My chest ached, and he continued with a sigh. “I don’t want to see the same happen to you. She’s magnificent and calculated, but She can also be self-indulgent. She, too, can get carried away and stray from the path at times.”

“I get it.”

“No.” Ezra grabbed my shoulders. “Listen to me carefully. You’ve had a lot.”

I opened my mouth to tell him he didn’t have to lecture me. Again, I wondered if it was how my younger brothers felt. I tried to stop thinking about them completely. That was hard too.

“Just listen, you’ve had more than most. Not only before when you left with your brother, but after, with Akira. You haven’t had any since?”

“No.”

“Good. Because She will offer you blood on the day of Ascension, and I want to make sure you’re sound.”

“I will be.”

“You’re strong, Luke. But you have to be careful. The amount is different for everyone. At a certain point, your blood can’t be cleansed. You go mad and lose yourself, and everything you’ve cared about becomes obsolete. And I don’t want that to happen to you.” His eyes softened.

“So we go mad if we don’t have blood and mad if we drink Her blood?” I thought of Aaron and the rage in his eyes that day he’d held Presley down by the throat and when he’d been strong enough to take on Akira alone. It’s a surprise more people didn’t give in to that kind of power, but power didn’t matter if you couldn’t wield it.

“Too much or too little of something can be a bad thing. The difference is if you don’t drink human blood, you turn into a feral animal with no remaining brain cells. But if you indulge too much in Her blood, then you become obsessed with Her.”

“I think we’re all obsessed.”

“No, this is different. It’s more than wanting to be near Her. It breaks all ties to your former self, and you don’t come back from it. You don’t remember?”

“Remember what?”

“What it felt like for you when you gave in the first time?”

I didn’t. Not really. All those memories were hazy and hard to access. I remembered drinking Her blood for the first time after changing and fighting with Zach. I remembered feeling lonely. I needed to drink but was scared to, and there She was offering up Her blood instead. It seemed simpler at the time. Everything was hazy after. Until after Ezra and Zach helped “cleanse my blood” of Hers.

The second time . . . I didn’t want to think of that time.

“It’s hard to remember.”

“Well, I remember. You weren’t yourself. You wouldn’t leave Her side. You were . . . in so much pain.”

“Pain?”

“Just promise. Promise me if She offers on any day that isn’t Ascension, you’ll say no.”

“I promise.”

“Good.” He wiped the sides of my jacket. “Speaking of drinking blood. You look ghastly. You should feed tonight.”

I nodded.

“Let’s go.” I followed Ezra back to a table of men at the pub in town. I’d spend the next hour pretending to like them and feigning my care for their business affairs. All they cared about was my ability to fill their pockets with money. Bending myself into the person they needed was the easy part, and more importantly, the person Ezra needed. He liked the mask. The person I could be.

I grabbed my whiskey from the table and took a swig.

There was only one thing I didn’t understand. How was it that after all this time all I wanted was to go home?