Page 16 of This Blood That Breaks Us (This Blood That Binds Us, #3)

Thirteen

Luke

“Luke!” Sarah called.

It startled me. I’d almost forgotten the sound of her voice. Was she here in the room with me?

I was dreaming. I had to be dreaming.

“There you are! The ball’s about to drop.”

I stared at her for a minute, soaking it in. I missed her so much. The relief washed over me at her proximity. Her smile illuminated life.

It was a dream, but it was more than that—it was a memory.

This particular night was during our sophomore year. Ashley’s dad let her throw big New Year’s Eve parties, so we always ended up in their basement. It was spacious and bathed in orange and pink lights. Silver balloons lined the ceiling and would shuffle around as people passed.

I couldn’t stop looking at her.

She was there. Sarah had a unique smile, pinned dimples, and rosy cheeks that freckled in the sun. My memories of that smile had faded, but my subconscious remembered the best parts.

Her cheeks sparkled with silver glitter and tiny stars. She was obsessed with them.

“Five . . . four!” the crowded room roared.

I’d tried to avoid her that night because I wanted to be elsewhere when she kissed someone else at midnight.

“I know we’ve already done the first kiss, but I’ve been saving this for you,” she said.

“Three . . . two!”

She leaned in, pressing her lips to mine.

“One! Happy New Year!”

Before she could pull away, I grasped the back of her head and held her to me. In one magic moment, my heart expanded into hers, and we kissed long after the cheers had ended.

She pulled away, dragging her bottom lip between her teeth. “First New Year’s kiss.”

Her dimpled smile was back.

“I have to tell you something. Come on!”

I let her drag me toward the stairs. We passed Zach with Ashley sitting on his lap. They were celebrating silently, and mouthing words to me I couldn’t comprehend. They’d seen it all. When we ascended the stairs, we were instantly in a different place.

It was my old room in Brooklyn. Dark-blue walls. Zach’s bed on one side and mine on the other—a different day, a different memory.

“You won’t lose me, Luke.” She grabbed my hand. “Even if we try this out and we fight or we split up, you’re always going to be one of the most important people in my life.”

“You can’t know that.” I wasn’t worried the slightest in fighting or splitting up.

“I wish you’d tell me the real reason you won’t try. Why is this the one secret you won’t tell me?”

“Because we promised.”

“You and your brother and your promises.”

She wasn’t upset. She stayed eye level with me, waiting for me to explain, but I didn’t know how.

A feeling deep in my gut told me not to. If I bound Sarah to me in any way other than a friend, it would end in disaster. Sarah was my person. I couldn’t imagine a day without her. We texted from morning to night. I couldn’t risk it.

“You’re too important,” I said, running my thumb across her knuckles.

“It’s okay. Forget I said anything.” She smiled, hiding any disappointment beneath her dimples, and moved toward the door.

“Wait.” I grabbed her arm. “I have something I want to say.”

“No, you don’t have to. It’s okay.”

“No, I . . . I love you too.”

Her body relaxed as she went to sit by me. “You do?”

“I think I’ve been hooked since you kissed me on the playground.”

“No way you’ve been holding out on me for that long.”

I caressed her cheek. “Because it doesn’t change anything.”

“I feel like this changes something.” She put her hand on my leg, and her breathing slowed to match mine.

I missed that feeling. The feeling of needing breath and the feeling of when it came easily. She was all I wanted. Even then. I never knew what I wanted growing up. It was more of a feeling pulling me from place to place. I wanted my family to be happy. I wanted to be happy. It didn’t always matter how or where.

I leaned in to kiss her again. It lasted longer than it had in real life. What had really happened was we both pulled away and laughed, then agreed to stay friends. In this dream, we didn’t stop kissing. My lips stayed on hers, and I lost myself in her completely. Maybe that’s how it should have ended.

Suddenly, it stopped and Sarah spoke again.

“Luke? Why do I feel so cold?” Sarah grabbed at her neck while blood poured from her.

I awoke gasping and checking my hands for evidence of the blood.

It had been so quick.

I hadn’t seen the cut on her neck or the look on her face when it happened, but I remembered the warmth. The heat of it on my cold skin would never leave me.

I was confident something in me cracked. It had to be something in my brain or chest. I wasn’t sure, but it broke. As soon as the warmth hit, I swear I heard it.

I did the same things I used to—wore the same clothes, had the same routines, but that damned feeling of wetness on my face haunted me. It hit me in the strangest of moments. The breeze on my cheek suddenly felt too hot. I reached up to feel nothing. There was no physical evidence of the break. It was unseen, like broken glass hiding in the sand.

Sarah was gone, and it was all my fault. The dark room was closing in on me, but Zach was asleep after our training, and I didn’t want to wake him up. Sleeping after blood loss was a curse I couldn’t escape.

I collapsed onto my bed. The feeling of panic surging through every muscle wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t escape my own body, but I longed to shed my skin and be anywhere else.

I rested my face in my hands and wept.

Sarah, why did this happen? Why did I let this happen to you? What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I do more? Why didn’t I save you? I can’t go back. I can’t. My face is hot. I hate it. My hands are tingling. Why is it getting worse? My face is hot. I can’t breathe. It won’t stop. I need it to stop. My face is so hot.

“Luke?” Zach was next to me in a second.

The dam had broke, and tears streamed down my face. I didn’t used to be like this. Terrified and weak. Broken.

Zach pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay. I’m here.”

“It’s not. I hate that I’m like this. It’s not fair.”

“No, it isn’t.”

I wanted my body to stop betraying me. For my face to stop tingling and the warmth to disappear. I wanted to feel normal again. I wanted it to be a bad dream. I wanted Sarah . . . and she was gone forever.

“Why didn’t I save her? Why am I useless?” I barely got the words out.

“Stop.” Zach squeezed me harder. “Don’t do that.”

Now I was hurting my brother with my brokenness; emotionally before, and now with the bond.

“I’m sorry.”

“What the hell do you have to be sorry for?” he asked, rubbing my back.

“I’m sorry I’m . . . I’m broken.”

Everything would be easier if I wasn’t like this . That Luke could have come up with a better plan. He’d have prevented this from ever happening. That Luke wouldn’t cry on his bed in the dark. He’d be the hero and bring everyone to safety. He’d get up and give a speech. He’d be braver. I was him once and wanted to be him again, but I didn’t know how. That Luke would find a way out of this and get back to his little brothers.

My younger self, full of dreams and optimism, would be so disappointed in me if he knew what I’d become. I imagined it. My younger self sitting in the corner and frowning, then I cried harder.

“Luke.” Zach pulled away with urgency, and to my surprise, he had tears too. “You gotta stop. You’re safe.”

For me? Because of the bond?

“You’re not broken. I’d never let that happen. Here.” He placed his hand over my heart and mine over his. “Just focus here.”

Zach’s heartbeat was calm, but it was hard to tune into with a never-ending stream of tears. The pain of the bond fell into me in waves that felt like they’d never quit pulling me under. My hands still felt weird, and my face was still hot. I wanted to peel off my skin.

“Focus,” he repeated, squeezing my hand over his heart. “Right here. Nothing else matters.”

It had to be a punishment ending up this way.

“Stop thinking and focus on the feeling of vibration. Count it.”

I focused harder on the sound of his heartbeat and the rise and fall of our chests. The vibration of his heart in his ribcage was steady and strong.

With my brother, I was in the safest place in the world. Zach didn’t need me to be anything. Just alive, and that I could do. Even if it was like this. Painful. Tedious.

Every passing minute grew slower. I didn’t focus on my own warmth despite it screaming for my attention. My hand shook, but he squeezed it harder. The pressure helped. I counted the beats in his chest. He was alive. His heart was beating, and it was all I needed at that moment.

As panic let go of me, I let go of him.

“I wouldn’t be here without you,” I said, sniffling.

“You would.”

“No, I wouldn’t. You’re the only thing I have left. The only thing that matters anymore.”

“Luke, don’t say shit like that. I hate it when you say things like that.”

“Why? It’s true.”

No one had ever been there for me like my brother. I would have never made it if I’d been alone. My brother would die for me. He’d kill for me and love me no matter what I did. I needed that. Someone who expected nothing from me.

“It’s not true. You can live without me.”

“I can’t. I really can’t.”

“Well, I couldn’t either.”

“You could. You just don’t want to.”

“Exactly. And I don’t care how selfish it is either.” He wiped his face. “If you go, I go. That’s the way it is.”

I couldn’t and he wouldn’t. I chuckled at the obvious dysfunction of it all.

We needed each other in different ways. He needed me to hope, and I needed him to accept me if I failed. I needed him to accept the worst part of me and the worst person I could ever become.

He didn’t understand that I was able to hope because he was there to shoulder my failure. With Zach, there was no hiding or bolstering. He accepted me as I was but loved me enough to protect the person I wanted to be. My brother loved me unconditionally, and in my worst moments, that’s what I clung to.

Even if I never improved and was stuck this way forever, I’d have my brother, and I was enough for him.

The door opened and we separated. Thane and William quickly made their way into the room. The glow of the fire was our only light.

“What happened?” Thane’s eyes softened.

“The usual,” I said. It was embarrassing for me to cry in front of people still.

“How the hell are you in here right now?” Zach said.

“You have Thane to thank for that. He’s become a little spy.” Will nudged Thane.

“I jammed the lock. The person who locks it doesn’t check it. It doesn’t matter. We’ve got exciting news.”

“It better actually be exciting,” Zach grumbled.

“There’s talk. Someone is moving and showing their hand. It wasn’t super clear, but they know someone is looking for them. We think it’s Kilian.”

“Who did you hear that from?”

“Sirius.” Thane raised an eyebrow. “He was talking with the queen.”

“How the hell did you manage something like that?”

“I-I . . . ”

“Oh no, tell them how,” William said, clenching his jaw.

“I might have snuck into the cathedral during their meeting today.” Thane fiddled with things on the fireplace to avoid eye contact with us.

“What the fuck?” Zach said.

“They’ll kill you if they find you in there,” I said.

“I told him.” William folded his arms.

“I know. I wanted to be helpful. And they don’t seem that concerned with Will and me. I came up with a theory. I think The Legion is coming. I think they know where we are.”

Will tapped his foot on the carpet. “They probably want them to come for us. We think they’re using us as bait to draw them out.”

“The prophecy did mention enemies.”

“You believe the prophecy now, Calem?” Will said.

“No. But they do. They all believe it more than anything. It fulfills itself. They’ll make sure they come to ensure the prophecy is complete. And that’s great news because we won’t be here when they get here. We can help them fight. In the meantime, let’s focus on staying alive and finding our opening. Zach thinks the harbor is our best bet for getting everyone out. I’ve heard there are tunnels in the city. I want to check them out.”

“How do we know the opening?” Will said.

“I’ll feel it.”