Page 41 of This Blood That Breaks Us (This Blood That Binds Us, #3)

Thirty-Four

Luke

With the bustle of the castle, I decided it would be safer for Her inside. Ezra let me make decisions like that now. I’d come in the early morning and stayed all afternoon. Her room was quiet and calm compared to outside. Everyone was full of excitement for Ascension, and I wanted to hide. She provided me shelter in that way and didn’t mention the night before, for which I was thankful. I remembered it all, even if it was fuzzy.

The smell of parchment was strong, and dust clung to my fingertips as I turned another page of The Aeneid. She let me read to Her. I sat with my head resting against the headboard of the bed while She rested Her head on my shoulder.

I wondered if She was listening. Her fingers were wrapped in my other hand, and She traced along my fingers as I read. I had a hunch She knew I needed the distraction, but I hoped we could make a habit of it.

The scent of the fresh flowers on Her nightstand transported me to a memory.

Knocking had sounded at Sarah’s door. A bouquet of flowers was in my hand on a hot summer day, back when my world was bathed in sunlight.

“Luke?” Her hair had been pinned up in a white ribbon.

“I thought about what you said . . . about what I wanted. And I was thinking, I think it’s about time I took you on that date. Our first.”

She smiled. “I have to tell my dad where I’m going.”

“I told him. He gave me twenty to buy these.”

With not even a moment of hesitation, she grabbed her purse from beside the door and followed me to the car. I took her to a drive-in movie. I couldn’t forget Sarah or the life she was supposed to have and the life I wanted us to have together. She was made for me. What a lie. Sarah was meant for more, and all I ever did was drag her down with me.

“My Love . . . ” She rubbed my chest before I could even feel sad. “Why did you stop?”

“I’m sorry. I remembered something.”

“I like your voice. It’s calming.”

“I’m glad. How are you feeling with the solar eclipse coming?”

“I’m stronger now than I’ve ever been.”

“And you want to sit with me all day?”

“The human isn’t the only one who enjoys your company.”

“You . . . know?” My heartbeat sped in my chest.

“I do know you met Cecily during the first new moon of your arrival. She’s fond of you. It makes me very fond of you as well. Cecily is attracted to kind people.”

She still didn’t know about that day with Cecily in the garden. Which meant there was still hope of Cecily’s words. Someone was coming, but Ascension was close. In less than two days, my brother and I would bond ourselves to Her, and the thought brought me more relief than grief.

I swallowed as a wave of anxiousness fell over me, and I squeezed my eyes shut.

She stroked my cheek. “What’s wrong?”

“I think I wanna stay with you. And that scares me.”

I couldn’t deny that part of myself anymore. That part of me that grew stronger and stronger every day and urged me to give in. To abandon my life and let this place swallow me whole. To let Her take me and hide me in all Her divine power and beauty.

“Why does it scare you?”

“Because I don’t think that’s what I should want.”

“You’ve always looked after everyone else. Why shouldn’t you get something you want?”

“I don’t know.”

She kissed my cheek, and my unraveling came together again, but as soon as Her lips left me, I was back to the same confusion as before. With nothing but butterflies circling in my chest, I reached for Her, cupping Her cheek and pulling Her lips to mine.

It was gentle and slow. Euphoric. I melted into Her, and She let me slide Her down onto the sheets. It wasn’t lust this time but a need of a totally different kind. We were perfect together.

She pulled away first and pushed me off.

“I’m sorry. I should have asked.”

“I want you to be settled and levelheaded for Ascension.”

“I’m sure,” I said, fighting the urge to kiss Her again, “I’m thinking clearly. I know what I want.”

“Will you continue to read to me?” Her eyes were softer now, and I wondered how close Cecily was. If she could see or hear me, or if she felt that kiss.

“Of course.”

As soon as I left Her room, the weight of my own fate hit me. Her gravity upon me was like a healing salve nothing could permeate, but as soon as it was gone, all of my aches and pains were back. My whole body hurt all the time because of my pain but also some of Zach’s and Will’s. I couldn’t tell what belonged to who anymore. I was starting to think it was only mine.

Thane waited outside the door.

“You need to be alone, huh?”

I said nothing but nodded as he stayed a couple feet behind me. I didn’t want to go back to my room where Zach could be waiting, as the sun had gone down for the day. Instead, we walked to the west wing, and I found my favorite room to sit in.

I stopped at the doorframe. “Do you mind?”

“Not at all. You know I’m here if you need,” Thane said.

I closed the door behind me. The room was themed in blue and held a fake fireplace and a vaulted ceiling with light-blue walls. When the sun was up, the entire room would be lit up by the turquoise-stained glass on the windows. It was the brightest room in the entire castle.

I collapsed into an armchair and finally let all the emotion fall out of me. Bitter tears welled, and I didn’t stop them from falling. I sobbed into my hands. Why was this my fate? And why couldn’t I pick something I wanted? The confusion was the worst part. I was tired. So tired. I thought of Sarah. She’d be upset if she knew the things I’d done. The things I wanted to do.

There was a knock but not at the door. Will rapped his knuckles on the edge of the fireplace. He’d made his way into the room, and I hadn’t heard him.

“You all right?”

“Oh.” I wiped my face. “Definitely.”

“You’re killing me right now. Feels like someone took a sledgehammer to my chest.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” He plopped down in a chair next to me. “You don’t want me to get your brother? I’m sure it’s only a matter of time till he finds where you’re hiding.”

“No. I’m fine. I’m good. Happy. Ascension is almost here. It’s all good.”

He raised a brow, waiting for me to tell him more.

“I was thinking about Sarah and about how disappointing all of this would be to her. How disappointing I’d be.” I choked out the last words. “I don’t know what I want. I know what everyone wants me to want. But not what I want.”

“You know what you want. Do you really think you’d want to stay here if you had any option? No gun to your head or threats to your friends. You want to go home. Don’t let them confuse ya.”

“You’re right. I want to go home. I don’t want to go to Ascension. But none of it matters. It never matters.”

“I’m going to tell you something, and I’m only telling you because I might be the only one in this world that has any experience in how you feel.”

His words caught my attention. He wasn’t looking at me but at the painting of Athena that hung over the fireplace. “This is only for you. I haven’t told this story to anyone. Not even Thane knows. Kilian is only aware because he was around at the time.”

“Okay.” I waited patiently for him to speak.

“I was married once or, technically, engaged. Her name was Aurora. She was beautiful. I met her very early on in my life, shortly after I was changed by Kilian and joined The Legion. She was levelheaded. Smart. The better half and all that shit.”

A knot gathered in my throat as I listened, understanding this story would not have a happy ending.

“She was fine with what I was, but she wasn’t thrilled with the idea of being immortal. She wanted a family, and I couldn’t give it to her. Plus, she was close with her sisters. They planned their entire lives together, they even wanted to get pregnant at the same time. She would never leave them. I was surprised when she said yes to my proposal, anyway. She said she’d change, but she needed time, and I couldn’t change her myself because my blood is too far removed from the queen, so Kilian offered to change her. But she didn’t like the idea. It only made her put it off more.” William grit his teeth and looked to the floor. “A few months later . . . I killed her by accident. I waited too long to feed. I lost control. She lost too much blood, then she was gone. Back then, it wasn’t as easy to get blood like it is now. I had to tell her sisters. I had to bury her. And when I did, I buried a piece of myself with her, I’ll never get it back.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I’m not telling you so you’ll feel sorry for me. I’m telling ya because I wanted to give up back then. I haven’t forgiven myself, and I never will, but I think you could. If anyone can get past this tragedy, it’s you.”

I remembered Sarah’s last words with a twisting in my gut. “It’s okay.”

In the face of terror, she tried to comfort me.

“Me? Why me? Look at me. Seriously, I’m a wreck.”

“Come talk to me when you’re my age.”

I laughed at the absurdness of that comment. We both knew where we’d be for the next two hundred years. Here. Stuck in this place. But his words lit a spark in my chest that warmed me for the first time in weeks. He hoped, therefore, I did too.

“You really think we can leave this place?”

“I think it’s possible.”

“Do you honestly think The Legion is coming to save us like Thane said?”

“I think . . . if they’re coming, you won’t be the reason they’re here. I don’t think saving you and your brother will be their main priority.”

“Yeah, I figured.”

“Where is that fighting spirit and all those pep talks, Calem?” William smiled. “Tell me, what do you want to do when we leave this place?”

“I don’t know.”

“You fuckin’ know. What obnoxious shit would you and your brothers do?”

I took a deep breath and let in the possibility I hadn’t allowed myself to think of. I told myself it was because I didn’t want it anymore, but Will was right. It was all I wanted. I wanted it so bad it hurt to think it may never come true.

“I want . . . another Christmas. I don’t care where. I want to watch my brothers open gifts, and I want to do all our old traditions. I want to see my mom again and tell her how sorry I am. I just want to be together. Anywhere.”

“Well, no doubt, Luke Calem, you’ll get there. Maybe sooner than you think.”

When did William start to believe in me? When had I stopped?

“You really think so?”

“I do. You may have to go through Ascension, and I don’t know what that will mean. But I think you’ll navigate it like the golden boy you are. Don’t give up just yet.”

I think it was a compliment.

“Thanks, Will, this helped.”