Page 33 of This Blood That Breaks Us (This Blood That Binds Us, #3)

Twenty-Seven

Zach

“Just leave it.” Sorry, Will, not in my vocabulary.

In fairness, I did the thing Mom always told me to do. Despite being a believer, she told me specifically to let the sun set on my anger. That it was better for me to let myself sleep on my anger, or I’d simply go off. She was right. I wanted to hurt the queen less today than the day before.

It wasn’t enough to stop me completely. When I opened Her door, She was sitting at Her harp, softly strumming the strings. She didn’t even look up as I entered, and I chose not to bow despite the pull to Her.

“Are all of your gowns see-through? Do I need to tell Ezra to buy you some decent clothes?”

She wore a thin satin gown that gathered at Her ankles. If She were a normal girl, I’d say She looked like an angel. There was something angelic about the soft roundness of Her face, and Her fingers were carved like marble.

She ignored me, and I bit my cheek.

“I need to talk to you.”

“You can talk when you bow.”

“Are you serious?”

Her attention stayed on the delicate strings. My patience was thin and wouldn’t allow me the luxury of banter or pride. I did as She instructed and forced my knee to the hard floor.

“My apologies, Your Most High Greatness.”

“Stay kneeled.”

I sighed but submitted to letting both knees fall to the floor.

“Happy?”

She licked Her lips, then tipped them into a smile.

“I need you to tell me what you’re doing to Will.”

“Is that why you’re really here? For a friend?”

“Yeah, that’s what I fucking said.”

“See, I think you’ve been looking for an excuse to come crawling into my room alone.”

My heart skipped. How did She know? There was no way She knew about the dreams.

“You’re wrong.”

“Am I? I can feel you. When you kneel and pray for me to come to you, all I feel is how much you long for me.”

I jumped up to my feet. She was trying to piss me off and distract me, and it would not work.

“Stop changing the subject. We’re talking about Will.”

“I’d rather talk about you.”

“No. Because all you’re doing is trying to confuse me. You can’t feel shit.”

She stood and turned from me like I wasn’t standing there trying to have a conversation with Her.

“What do you think prayer does? It’s for connection. You’ve had my blood, so when you pray and call me, I hear you. It’s the closest most of them will ever get to the connection they desire to have with me. But for you . . . you’ll have more. You can have as much as you want.”

I followed Her every step as She made Her way over to the bed. She obviously wasn’t going to answer my question. I moved to leave but stopped. I wasn’t ready.

“You mean after Ascension?”

She nodded, grabbing a bottle of lotion from Her bedside table, then slowly rubbed it over Her legs. What the hell was happening to me? A few minutes in and my resolve was disappearing faster than I could keep up with. I couldn’t stop staring at Her legs. The feeling that pulled me to Her wasn’t fair. She was a planet with Her own gravity. How could I walk away?

“Yes. After Ascension, you and me. We’ll be connected on a whole new level. Wherever you go. You’ll have me.”

I rolled my eyes.

“As usual. I don’t know what that means.”

“Darling, would you come over and help me put this on my back?”

Heat rushed through me. A mixture of anger and lust battled it out.

“Uh. Can’t you do it yourself? Got enough minions to do that task for you,” I said, but I moved toward Her until I was standing over Her. She was so beautiful I couldn’t stand it. I tried to refocus.

“Of course. But you’re here.” She moved the straps of Her gown down to expose Her back.

Oh fuck. I sat down. My eyes darted to the door. I could leave, but I wanted to stay. I grabbed the lotion. My fingers brushed Her shoulder, but I stopped. I couldn’t touch Her. Not without giving in completely.

“You like it when women torture you, don’t you?” She leaned into me.

“No.”

“We both know you’re a glutton for punishment. You like being miserable.” She moved Her hand to my thigh, and I shivered.

“Do you see now? This is the person you are. This is what you want. You’ve always known you’re different from your brother. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting this.”

“I hate you.”

“You’re not looking at me like a man who hates me.”

I wanted to shut Her up and stop Her beautiful mouth from talking. There were so many other useful things She could do with that mouth besides threaten me.

“You’re the worst thing to happen to me. You’re an illusion. You’re not real.”

“I’m very real. I know you remember. When you asked me to bite you . . . and when I did, you asked me not to stop. Or do you not tell them that part of the story?”

I couldn’t grab onto the anger. Before I even thought about it, my body moved to slam my lips to Hers.

It was everything. I didn’t care how hard I grabbed Her. Her tongue on mine was the end of all my wandering. I hated Her. I hated that She orchestrated my life, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop.

She bit my lip and pulled me into Her. I fell on top of Her and felt every curve. I wanted it all to be mine. My blood filled my mouth, and I licked my bottom lip. I couldn’t think.

“Bitch,” I said.

Her eyes darkened, and Her presence overtook me. She leaned in closer, and I swallowed. She’d had the upper hand the whole time, and She knew it.

“Say it again.”

“What?”

“Don’t you remember the last time you called me that?”

“Fuck off.”

I needed to devour Her. I took Her bottom lip between my teeth and bit down. The tiniest bit of Her blood sent me into a frenzy. I held Her down and bit into Her neck. My fingers knotted Her hair while fresh blood flowed into me.

“Tell me what you want.” Her breath was hot in my ear.

“Bite me.”

She pulled away, leaving me without hope of any satisfaction other than Her blood pumping through my veins. My resolve was already gone. It was gone before I even recognized its exit, because I wanted Her. Not in a way that was good or pure in any reality. There was nothing soft or kind about it. It was dark. A deep, deadly need that felt like it might kill me if I didn’t have Her.

“Tell me again,” She said.

“I hate you.” I moved my hands to Her waist, pulling Her on top of me.

“The other thing,” She whispered in my ear.

“Bitch.”

Then Her lips were on mine, and I was gone. I never wanted to come back to a place of sanity if She was the one touching me. It was greater than anything I’d felt before. I moaned as She grinded into my lap.

The top of Her nightgown was easy to pull back to expose Her chest, and I kissed every glorious inch. Kissing first and then sucking at the skin of Her perfect breasts. The proximity of Her heartbeat only set me on edge with the image of Her blood on my lips. Before I could bite Her, She pushed me into the sheets and peeled off my shirt.

My senses were heightened. There was no inner monologue blocking me from Her. It was only the feeling of Her on top of me.

The things I wanted to do to Her.

Her lips brushed the sensitive skin on my chest.

“Fuck. Don’t stop.”

She didn’t touch me like I ached for Her to. I wanted more. So much more. But Her hands stayed on my chest.

She pulled away, and I reached for Her. “Stay.”

“All in good time, Darling. You must be patient. We’ll have plenty of time together.”

A knock on the door brought me out of my trance. I opened my eyes.

What the fuck was I do doing?

No. No. No.

How could I do this to Luke . . . to Sarah?

The guilt for touching Her slammed into me, and I was right back to where I’d started. In Her room. On Her bed. Looking at Her with the wave of lust pooling in my stomach. I ached for Her.

I left Her on the bed and sprinted out of the room, bumping Ezra on the way out.

“Everything okay?”

Our eyes met, and I felt that familiar pity and sadness in his eyes.

The feeling was so strong it created an avalanche of emotion that nearly knocked me to the ground. I kept walking and pushed out the surfacing memory, but it was right at my heels. I was repeating my past mistakes again. What else was new?

The memory wouldn’t stop. It was crashing into me from behind. Biting my legs. I was losing my footing, and the cold was engulfing me.

No. No. No

The feeling of Her hands on my chest. Her teeth in my skin. It wasn’t the part of the memory I hated the most. It wasn’t the guilt. It was waking up alone. Vulnerable. Shivering. Weak. I’d let Her bite me. I’d wanted it. Begged for it. I’d asked Her to strip me. I wanted Her to do a lot more than She had.

I’d put my clothes back on.

No. Stop. But the memory was there vividly gushing and making me feel.

I’d run out of the Her room with my head down, knowing I had to check on Luke.

But Ezra stopped me.

I could feel his fingers digging into my arm as if it were happening again.

“ What’s wrong ?” he had asked.

“Nothing.”

I tried to walk again, and he pulled down the neck of my hoodie, revealing the bites all over me.

The look on his face. The horror. My fear.

I felt it all again, and it would consume me this time.

“What’s going on?” Will’s voice cut through the silence. He’d opened the door to the closet I was hiding in. For a moment, he assessed me and my shaky hands.

With one hand, he grabbed me by the collar to get me off the floor. “Come on.”

I let him drag me to my feet, hoping the memory couldn’t follow me.

The walk was a blur as other members bowed to me in the hall. My hands were cold and tingling. I didn’t know where he was taking me, but I didn’t care. We ascended the stairs until we reached the end of the hall on the third floor. He pointed to a ladder, and we climbed. I didn’t know there was a ladder to the roof.

We stood on the roof admiring a pitch-black sky. Rain droplets fell onto my face, and I was trapped and achy. I looked over the edge. It could stop this feeling. It would hurt, but I needed pain. I needed the memory to stop making me cold, pulling me under, and suffocating me.

I stared out into the vastness of the dark. Like a magnet, it pulled me to its edge. If I jumped, it wouldn’t kill me. That I knew. Not that it mattered anymore, anyway.

I stepped closer to the edge.

“Stop.”

“What?”

“Look at the sky,” William demanded.

I shook my head, and he stood in front of me and sandwiched my face between his hands and forced me to look up. The sky wasn’t pitch black. The moon lingered behind the clouds.

“Feel the rain. Smell it.”

He pulled my hands from my sides and set them out, palms up. Tiny droplets pelted my skin and dissolved.

Minutes passed, and I still felt like shit. Like I needed to run.

“Will—”

“Don’t talk, just feel.”

The time moved like molasses until I finally felt the cold on my skin again. I focused on the sound and the smell, and I let it be my escape.

“Better?”

“Better.”

I didn’t want to go back in.

“How did you know?” I didn’t know why I asked that. I didn’t even know if I knew what I meant.

“You have that look. That same look you had at the Halloween party. The look of someone who’s about to do something stupid.”

He’d found me staring out the window at the end of the hall in OBA with thoughts swirling and pulling me under. It felt like this but with less bite.

“Don’t even think about it.”

Like he’d read my mind and knew I was about to jump out the window and start running. I wasn’t, but I’d thought about it.

I concentrated on him as he stared up into the sky. “I’m always about to do something stupid.”

He was calm as he pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. What kind of world did I live in now that Will was comforting me? It was a symptom of how low we’d descended into this nightmare.

“How the hell did you get those?” I asked.

“Some of them don’t hate me so much. They’ll at least trade with me.”

He handed me one and offered me a light. We stared out into the darkness together, and I let the smoke smother me in the calm numbness.

“So, what happened? What had you shaking?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You gonna run off and tell Luke about it, then?”

I hesitated. I didn’t want to tell my brother. Not this. This felt like an outright betrayal.

“No, he doesn’t need to know.”

“Then tell me.”

“You’ll think I’m an asshole.”

“I already think that.”

There was silence, then he spoke again.

“You were with Her, weren’t ya? With Her.”

“No. Maybe a little. But not . . . I didn’t have sex with Her. I kissed Her, but I didn’t mean to.”

“You’re going to blame yourself for this one, I bet.”

“Yeah. Because I know better. I’m betraying my brother, Sarah, myself.”

Will took a long drag of his cigarette and blew the smoke in my face. He was smiling.

“This isn’t funny.”

“It’s not. But I find it amusing you’re hellbent on always making yourself the bad guy.”

“I am.”

“No. You’re not.” He took another long drag. “I want Her too. Me. Someone who’s dedicated his life to ensuring She meets a very overdue death. I hate Her with every fiber of my being. She is the reason my sister is dead. And yet, when I’m around Her, I’d do anything for Her to touch me. It’s disgusting how much I want Her, and I can’t make it stop. There’s no consent with this type of obsession. You can’t blame yourself. In fact, I’d say She wants you to do that.”

“Why do you know everything?” I scoffed.

“Because I’ve lived for-fucking-ever. One day, you’re going to be old too and a fucking know it all. I hope I’m dead by then so I don’t have to put up with ya.”

The smoke and soft rain accompanied us as seconds turned into minutes.

“Your sister, Eilean. What happened?”

I wasn’t one to ask people about their shit, but he would never tell me unless I asked, and we felt close enough. He knew the thing I was most ashamed of. It seemed natural to share our collective pain.

He stayed quiet for a long time but eventually answered.

“My sister is the reason I wanted to join Kilian and The Legion. Back in my day, talk of vampires was common. Now in modern day, it’s viewed as a joke. But back then, it was much more serious. People in our village were taken for their blood. The Family had even greater influence back then. There were tales of a great queen hidden somewhere in the lands of the North. She’d performed great miracles for soldiers in war. My sister was obsessed with the idea. She believed in stuff like that. When our mom grew sick, she fled to search for the monastery where the queen was held at the time. She left without telling me because I’d never let her go. She was only fourteen when she ran away. I went to look for her. Only to find it much harder than I thought. It took a year, and when I did, the monastery had been cleared, the queen had fled, and my sister was dead. She’d lived there and grew obsessed. Then became a maiden and was subsequently killed sometime after. I’m not sure how long. That’s when I met Kilian.”

“Maiden?”

“The queen used to have handmaids. Mostly when She was at the monastery. Only, that jealous bitch often ended up killing them all. My sister included. Kilian thought it had something to do with the queen’s past. Her human life was the reason She lures only men.”

My mind reeled with the news.

“I’m sorry.”

He continued. “I was ready to search for the queen then, but Kilian wouldn’t allow it. He made me wait until I was eighteen to change me. Then I could join him. My mom lived, but her body was weak, so she died a few years later when I was nineteen. I decided to finally take Kilian up on that offer.”

“Fuck. That’s terrible.”

“It’s not even the worst of my stories.”

“Well, then, I don’t want to hear the rest. My life is sad enough without hearing your sob stories.” I took a long drag of my cigarette and let it out in one long breath.

That made him smile and cough out a bit of smoke.

“You fuckin’ asshole.”