Page 186 of The Primal of Blood and Bone (Blood and Ash #6)

POPPY

Horror exploded in my chest as I stared up at him, frozen to where I stood.

Casteel held my gaze, the lines and angles of his face impossibly harsh as things…everything started to click together.

His doubt when I’d said I knew I could come to him.

His comments about me trusting him.

How Kieran and he interacted—or didn’t. The distance between them. The tension.

Oh, gods.

He’d learned what I’d made Kieran promise.

“Everyone needs to leave.” Chair legs screeched over the stone as Kieran stood. “Everyone out. Now.”

I didn’t know if everyone listened or how fast they left. It was only when Kieran appeared behind Casteel that I found my ability to speak.

“How…how did you find out about that?”

“It was when you were under Kolis’s influence,” Kieran answered. “In a moment when you had control, you summoned me.”

“Oh, my gods.” I stepped back, wiping my damp palms down the sides of my tunic.

Casteel remained silent, his lips pressed together.

“And asked me to fulfill my promise,” Kieran finished.

“I don’t remember.” I took several more steps back, my gaze moving between them. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“It wasn’t my—”

“Not you,” I stopped Kieran. “Cas, why didn’t you talk to me?”

Eather flashed in Casteel’s eyes. “Why did you think I couldn’t handle it? How could you—?” His voice thickened and filled with pain. “How could you ask him to do that?”

My heart cracked at the sound of his voice. “You weren’t there. You were being held captive.”

“It’s more than that. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” he said. “You wouldn’t be asking me to stay back because you don’t think I can handle myself.”

“That has nothing to do with it. You know you wouldn’t just stand by as Kolis says some of the most disgusting things you can im—”

“What things?” His eyes narrowed on me. “What did he say to you through that fucking Revenant?”

“It doesn’t matter—”

“See! Right there. You’re showing exactly how much you trust me.”

“It has nothing to do with you! I don’t want to think about what he said, let alone repeat it.”

Casteel went quiet.

Drawing in a too-short breath, I stepped toward him. “What I asked Kieran to do had nothing to do with me not trusting or believing in you. It had everything to do with me not wanting to put you in a situation I knew would destroy you.”

“And you thought it wouldn’t destroy Kieran?” he fired back.

I looked at Kieran. He had sat on the edge of one of the armchairs between the balcony doors and the table. “No,” I whispered. “I made a choice. And I…chose you.”

“Sounds like you chose the exact opposite.”

“Fucking gods,” Kieran muttered, staring at his hands. “You’re being a fucking idiot right now.”

Casteel barked out a harsh laugh.

“It’s not funny.” Kieran looked up. “I told you that you needed to talk to her. If I’d known it would turn out this way, I would’ve kept my mouth shut.”

“Something you’re clearly good at,” Casteel retorted.

Kieran rolled his eyes.

My heart cracked as I stared at them. I’d never heard them speak to each other like this. And I’d done that—to them. To us.

“Cas.” I reached for him, my hands trembling. “I’m—”

“Don’t.” Casteel moved back, his jaw clenched.

My heart didn’t just crack then. It nearly broke as I lowered my hands. I felt the burn of tears crawling up my throat and folded my arms across my waist.

Casteel blinked several times and looked away. “I thought you knew,” he said, his voice rough. Raw. “That I would do everything to keep you safe, even from yourself.”

“I do know that,” I swore. “But if I lost control, you wouldn’t have had time to stop me. You have to remember this was before the Joining. Before what we’ve become.”

“And now?” His gaze returned to me. “What’s your excuse for now? For thinking I can’t handle myself with Kolis or the Fates?”

“Because I know you would do anything to keep me safe. You would not be able to—”

“Stop myself?”

“Am I wrong?” I asked.

“You’re not,” Kieran stated. “And that’s his problem.”

“Shut up,” Casteel growled.

I looked between them. Was it? Possibly, but it wasn’t only that.

I had messed up. I never should’ve asked Kieran—no, I’d needed to make sure someone knew when to step in.

What I should’ve done was tell Casteel. I had ample time.

And I never should’ve made Kieran keep it a secret from Cas.

It didn’t matter that I thought I was protecting their relationship.

Intentions meant so very little when things went wrong. It was something I knew.

But he also had to know his limits.

“It wasn’t easy for me to ask that of Kieran,” I told him, swallowing.

“He didn’t want to agree. He wasn’t happy about it.

And I shouldn’t have asked him not to tell you.

I should’ve told you.” My chest ached. “I’m sorry, Cas.

I’m so sorry. I never meant—” I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head as I turned away.

I reopened my eyes to see that the sky had darkened beyond the balcony doors.

“I never meant for you to feel this way. For me to make you feel this way. I was wrong.” I whirled back around.

“And I will spend the rest of my life making sure you know that.”

That muscle in his jaw was throbbing again as he looked away.

“But you’re also wrong.”

His gaze shot back to me.

“You need to recognize that you have limits for what you can and can’t do—limits that I love you even more for,” I said. “You need to stop…”

“Stop what?”

Part of me wanted to apologize again. Do and say whatever was needed for things to return to normal—if things could. And, gods, that thought didn’t just terrify me. It threatened to break me. But I needed to say this because this wasn’t only on me.

It wasn’t on him or Kieran.

It just was .

“I know I’ve hurt you, and I hate ,”—my throat scratched with the force of that word—“that. I know I fucked up.”

“Poppy.” Kieran turned his head toward me.

“No. It’s true,” I said, meeting Casteel’s eyes. “And you need to stop lying to yourself.”

His lips parted.

“You cannot go with me tomorrow. This doesn’t change that.” I pressed my hands together. “Nor does it mean I don’t trust you. All it means is that I will not risk you—either of you.”

He turned sideways and stared at the wall for what felt like a small eternity. “You agree with this?”

“No,” Kieran answered. “But she’s right. Our presence will be a distraction, and neither of us will allow the Fates to harm her.”

Casteel’s jaw rolled as he shook his head. “That’s bullshit.”

“Cas,” Kieran said. “It’s what she meant about lying to yourself.”

His hands twitched at his sides as he turned back toward me. “You are risking yourself and demanding that I accept it.”

Blinking back tears, I said, “He won’t kill me.”

“You don’t know that!” he shouted, causing the glass in the room to rattle.

“You have no idea what he feels now. The fucker has been entombed for how long? That’s a hell of a lot of thinking.

” He thrust his hand through his hair. His fingers shook.

“He tried to use you to seduce me. What man in love would do that?”

“You asked me that before, and my response is the same. Who the fuck knows why he does anything? He’s the one who fell in love with someone after seeing them pick flowers. He’s not exactly logical.”

“ You’re not being logical,” Casteel snapped. “You’re just going off what others said.”

“He’s been watching us!” I yelled back. “Why else would he be doing that?”

“Because, like you suggested, he’s fucking out of his mind?” His chest rose. When he spoke next, his voice was softer. “What if I’m right? What then? We won’t be there to back you up.”

“I will have Attes.” The moment I said it, I realized it was the absolute wrong thing to say.

Casteel’s flesh thinned until shadows appeared in the hollows of his cheeks, and silver bone gleamed in his jaw. “Yes. Attes. The Primal who not only can control himself but is clearly in love with you.”

“What?” I screeched as Kieran jerked toward Casteel.

“It’s the only reason he would’ve been so willing to burn his fucking hand off for you.”

“He did burn it off,” Kieran said. “But it came back.”

“And you saw how painful that was. I also know you’ve seen how he’s always looking at her,” Casteel went on. “He’s only been here for a day and looked at you more than I do in a week. And I’m constantly staring at you.”

“It’s because I look like—”

“You look like yourself, Poppy.”

“I…” I pressed my hand to my chest. “I can’t even think about or consider that right now. Because that’s…”

“What?” he demanded.

“Fucking disturbing!” I screamed, causing Kieran to jerk. “He’s your great-grandfather.”

“I didn’t say it was fun,” he muttered.

“Oh, my gods.” I turned, tugging my hair back.

Casteel’s chest rose. When he spoke, his voice was softer. “We are stronger together, not apart. We could defeat Kolis together. You wouldn’t even need to get close to him.”

“Maybe,” I said tiredly. “But there will also be a Fate there who would surely intervene.”

“One who won’t intervene if it’s you?”

“They are the ones who told me I needed to be the one to kill Kolis. Not the three of us,” I argued. “And he’s going to let me get close.”

“That comment doesn’t help,” Kieran interjected.

“But it’s the truth.” I moved toward Casteel, stopping short of reaching for him again. I couldn’t bear to see him step away from me or tell me not to touch him. “I’m sorry. I know this is hard—or maybe I don’t know. But you need to stay here. Both of you.”

Casteel inhaled through his nose. “That’s it? An order from the Queen?”

“It’s an order from your wife,” I said. “One I beg you to listen to.”

“Okay.” Casteel blinked, and the break in my heart widened when I saw the glassy sheen in his eyes, and I sensed his emotions for just a second. “So be it.”

He turned without a word and started toward the door.

“Cas,” I whispered. When he didn’t stop, I followed. “Casteel.”