Page 110 of The Primal of Blood and Bone (Blood and Ash #6)

Frowning, I glanced down and realized I was twisting the end of my braid. A wry grin tugged at my lips. “Holland told me Seraphena does things with her hands when she’s nervous, too.”

He handed me the chalice. “Did he tell you anything else you have in common?”

I thought about it. “Well, I apparently reminded him of her when I got angry.” My lips pursed. “Not sure that’s a good thing.”

He chuckled and returned to pick up his glass. “Perhaps you get your…feistiness from her.”

“If so, it’s better than getting it from Isbeth.”

“Nothing about you is from Isbeth.”

Except for the shape of my face, my nose, and my lips. How I’d never seen how much I looked like her was beyond me, but I appreciated the sentiment in his partial truth. Beyond shared physical similarities, I was nothing like her.

Casteel eyed me over the rim of his glass. “Want to tell me why you’re so nervous?”

I started to say that I didn’t know but then shook my head. That wasn’t entirely true. “I guess I’m worried she won’t look at me the same.”

He didn’t respond immediately. “Do you feel different?”

“I…” I poked at my fang with my tongue. “Yes, and no.”

His brows rose.

“I mean, I feel like myself, but…I don’t know. I do feel different, though I can’t explain how.” I let out a self-conscious laugh. “I’m not making sense.”

“You are.”

“Really?” I took a sip from the chalice. “Then can you tell me what I’m feeling?”

“I can’t tell you what you’re feeling,” he said, running a hand over the back of a chair, “but I can tell you that after I completed the Culling, I was myself but wasn’t.

My senses were heightened—smell, taste, and sight—and I was stronger and faster.

At first, all of that made it seem like the realm had changed in all these little ways.

But in reality, what changed was how I interacted with everything. And that made me feel different.”

I nodded slowly. That made sense.

“You have changed,” he continued. “On a cellular level. Just as I did after my Culling and when you Ascended me.”

“I didn’t Ascend you. Not technically.”

“Well, it sounds better than saying you created me.” He walked forward.

I laughed. “True.”

His smile faded when he stopped in front of me. “I don’t want to argue with you. Not like that,” he said, clasping my neck.

There was a difference between what had just happened and our ordinary nitpicking at each other. “Me, neither.”

“Gods, Poppy. I…” He closed his eyes and fell quiet. “I love you. I fucking love you, Poppy.”

“I know.” His words reached right inside my chest, relieving some of the heaviness there—powerful words that meant everything to me. “I love you, Cas.”

Tilting his head, he pressed his lips to mine in a slow, sweet kiss. “That’s all that matters.”

I wanted nothing more than to believe that love was all that mattered. That it could somehow erase the suspicion that he was keeping something from me. That I could just believe . But I would be fooling myself.

And I had stopped doing that the moment I tossed the veil aside.

Breathing in his scent as I cupped his cheek, I pulled back and met his stare. “We—”

“Poppy?” Tawny’s voice rang out from the Solar.

Casteel sighed. “I don’t think it’s been a few minutes.”

My lips curved into a small smile as I lowered my hand. “It’s been longer than a few minutes.”

“I wonder if Delano still has his balls and all associated appendages.”

I laughed and slipped away. “For Perry’s sake, let’s hope so.” I drew in a shallow breath and took a long drink. “Coming,” I called.

Somehow, Casteel ended up in front of me. I wasn’t even sure how.

Tawny came to an abrupt halt. “Not this again,” she muttered. “Are you going to try to throw me out?”

I started to frown.

“I’m considering it.” Casteel remained in front of me for a few minutes. “But, no,” he said, stepping aside.

I took a breath—

The first thing I saw was a blur of white curls that’d once been honey-brown rushing forward.

“No need to run,” Casteel muttered.

“No need to guard Poppy,” she retorted, scanning the chamber.

Her gaze landed on me then, and she jerked to a halt, going completely still. Only the burnt-gold skirt of her gown swayed as white eyes—everything but the pupils—that were once a warm brown locked with mine.

Suddenly, I understood why I had been filled with dread when I thought of her. There was no faint tingling along my neck that I had begun to associate with the vadentia , but I still knew why I was so uneasy. It wasn’t anything she had done.

It was what I had done to her.

Tawny shrieked, startling me, the sound close to that of a large bird of prey.

“Gods,” Casteel breathed.

She sprang forward, arms opening wide. A smile broke out across her pretty face, and my lips started to mirror hers despite what I’d done—

Casteel’s features sharpened with wariness, his posture stiffening with coiled tension as Tawny lunged.

She’s okay, I assured him quickly, understanding his reaction—knowing why Kieran and the others had reacted so strangely to Tawny when she first arrived in Oak Ambler.

Tears clogged my throat as I stared at her. They’d sensed the…wrongness. What went against the fundamental balance of life and death. Without even understanding why.

“Poppy!” she yelled a second before she all but threw herself at me.

When she wrapped her arms around me, holding on like a tree bear, I didn’t think about what I was doing or if I should. I simply returned her embrace. And that was all we needed for a few moments. I didn’t even think about what I had done to her anymore.

“I feel like I keep saying this,” she said, her voice hoarse, “but I’ve missed you.”

I drew in a stuttered breath and caught the faint scent of…stale lilacs.

Death.

A shudder ran through me, and I held on to her tighter. I didn’t even know why I tried—I already knew what I would find—but I opened my senses to see if I could pick up anything from her.

In the past, her emotions were always right beneath the surface. She had many feelings about lots of things multiple times throughout the day. But that had changed when she was wounded by shadowstone and fell into a deep sleep.

My senses brushed against a void of nothingness, reminding me of what it was like when I tried to read the Ascended or a Revenant. But she was neither of those things.

What she had become…

The memory of me sitting by her side, trying to heal her after she’d been wounded, returned.

So much eather had poured from me into her that my palms sometimes felt as if they were on fire.

She hadn’t woken until she was being cared for by Wilhelmina— the Miss Willa.

She was one of the eldest Atlantians, and I knew if anyone could help Tawny, it was her.

But she wasn’t the cause of the changes in my friend.

I was.

Even though I hadn’t healed her with my touch.

“Poppy?” she whispered, making me realize I had gone silent.

I swallowed against the burn of tears. “I’ve missed you, too.”

“You better have,” she murmured, her hand fisting my braid. “I would’ve been offended if not.”

A shaky laugh left me.

Tawny pulled back just enough to give me a once-over. “How are you feeling? Are you okay? Where did you go?” she asked, one question running into the next. “Will you ever be allowed to be alone with anyone in private again?”

“I know you—” I blinked, her last question completely caught me off guard. “Why would you ask that?”

She held my stare as a slight furrow formed between her brows. “You should ask”—she cast a narrowed-eye look that was awfully close to a glare over her shoulder—“Prince Hawkethrone over there.”

“It’s King ”—Casteel shoved the door shut with a finger as he returned her look— “Hawkethrone to you.”

“Whatever,” she muttered, facing me again.

My gaze darted between them as my brows inched up my forehead. “Do I even want to know?”

“I think you already do,” she said, clasping my arms. “Your husband is seriously overprotective.”

I glanced at Casteel as he lifted his glass with an unapologetic tilt to his lips. “I kind of know that.”

“Kind of?” Tawny snorted.

Casteel sent me a wink.

Tawny huffed as she looked at him. “It’s a good thing you’re nice to look at.”

Another laugh burst from me as I pulled her back to me. Gods. Only Tawny would say that without a hint of fear or concern. She was still her . That had to count for something. It had to be all that mattered.

That insidious voice from minutes ago, the one that told me I’d be fooling myself believing in what I knew wasn’t true, returned.

Sorrow choked me, and I squeezed her despite the chill of her skin bleeding through her gown, not wanting to let her go.

Tawny’s milky-white eyes widened in alarm. “Poppy?”

Casteel was at my side in a heartbeat, causing Tawny to give a start. “What’s wrong?” he demanded, the eather pulsing brightly in his eyes.

“Nothing’s wrong. I swear,” I assured him—both of them—as my heart pounded. Letting go of Tawny, I stepped back. Maybe I was wrong. But I knew I wasn’t. Bile crept up my throat.

“You’re starting to worry me,” Tawny said quietly, inching closer. She reached out, seemingly unaware of how Casteel tensed beside me, and placed her hand on my arm. “Poppy?”

I looked down at her hand, her cold skin chilling mine.

Oh, gods.

Tawny didn’t deserve this.

“Hey,” Casteel said quietly, moving his hand to my cheek. He turned my head toward his. Talk to me.

I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t say anything as I looked at her. Not like this . I couldn’t read her emotions, but I knew she was worried now, just as I knew she had been happy before. Excited. I couldn’t take that from her. Not right now.

At least that’s what I told myself—and it was partly true. What was also true was that I was a coward.

But I could live with that for a little while. So could Tawny.

Casteel swept his thumb over my cheek. “Poppy?”

Taking a deep breath, I forced a smile and pulled myself together. “I’m fine.”