Page 8 of Sins and Virtue

You never know.

Mmhm, you naïve fool, you expected everything to be served on a platter. Prison has made you pathetic.

Lightning struck at that precise moment, hitting the cross on top of a building. I blinked and narrowed my gaze, unsure at first but then realizing that it was a place sinners went to repent, believers went to worship, and the devoted went to serve— this was a sign from God, showing me where to find salvation.

So how could I deny him?

If I could find salvation, I would— that and much, much more.

Well, Dya?

Go. To. Hell.

On the contrary, we might just stumble into heaven.

Chapter 1

Blair

Earlier that day…

“Do you understand the meaning of your task today, sister?” Mother Superior Francis diligently asked, a line drawing between her brows as the wrinkles around her face showed less grace than she intended. Pausing her stride right in front of me as we headed inside the prison’s visitor area. Her old grey eyes beaded into mine.

“Yes, Reverend Mother, I understand that we must bring prisoners to repentance and salvation.” I carefully repeated the words that had been ingrained in my mind for the past few days. Weeks.Months.

Becoming a nun was a discipline. Commitment.Obedience.

Strict, controlled desires, wants, and needs. Forgetting about who I was and changing who I am to be someone Ollie can be proud of.

My heart squeezed and released at the thought of him. Wondering what he was up to? Was he sleeping in his small little bed or jumping around? Was he smiling or crying? Was there anyone to comfort and hold him when he needed it?

Thoughts ran vivid, made me delirious and restless, and I couldn’t go a day without knowing of him.

She stopped and stared at me with a critical, almost judgmental gaze and took me out of my reminiscing as she nodded. “Exactly. Every man can be saved if he turns his heart to God and changes his ways,” she promptly followed.

To be saved, huh?

The seed of doubt stood planted in the back of my mind. Wondering what salvation meant and looked like? Was repentance enough to wash the blood off your hands? With one word or prayer, could it dissolve your sins? The guiltiness and dirt in your soul? How many times could we fall into temptation and still be forgiven? When would God turn away from us? When would we feel good enough?

How did one know if it was enough?

I truly didn’t know.

Perhaps it was an answer I would find soon or one I would spend a lifetime on, as it appeared the most likely option since my training as a novice nun was coming to an end, and soon, in the next few weeks, I would be taking my final vows. Chaining me to this life and duty.

It was a huge decision.

One not taken lightly. One that has haunted my mind for the last few days, weeks, and months. At one point, it brought great relief to my soul, knowing this was the only way I could atone for my sins; however, at the other end, it broke my heart to be apart from those I loved and to say “goodbye” to the girl I used to be and to conform and make myself into someone that God could love.

But what if it isn’t enough?

“Blair, do you hear me?” Mother Superior Francis snapped her fingers.

“Yes, sister,” I snarkily replied, resisting the urge to roll my eyes.

“Watch your tone. You have to set an example for these men,” her tone derogatory as she hovered closer to me, raising her hand and digging her nails into my shoulder deeply as she lowered her voice to a whisper. “So don’t rebel against me again and smile.”

Discomfort chafed against my skin, as I was prone to bruising easily.