Page 30 of Sins and Virtue

What did she mean by that?

“Like what?”

“Well… you’re not exactly the ideal model.” She paused as my head snapped at her, observing her intently as she nearly squirmed under my sight. “None of us are, but in order to fit into the convent, we have to evolve, become superior to who we were, and forget the past.”

I went completely still.

Forgetting the past?

That was an ideal dream one could only hope for, but the cold truth was it wasn’t simple to erase. You couldn’t just snap your fingers and pretend it didn’t happen because it did. The past affected the present and future. Etching into fruition what would be and the chains we would be bound to. Suddenly, the rush of memories came back. The blood that sat and dripped from my hands couldn’t be washed off. No matter how many times I tried, the crimson red stains were still there. The bullet between his eyes. His lifeless body on the ground.

And my freedom being ripped away.

Along with the most precious thing in my life.

My heart forever broken because I was only half of who I was meant to be.

My mind traced back to the photo of the boy with green eyes and dark ruffled hair. Sorrow melted into my chest knowing we would never see each other again.

So no, I couldn’t get over the past. I wouldn’t.

For the rest of my life, I would be living a hell because of what happened.

“Blair—”

Flares of anger poked at my sternum as I interrupted her mediocre attempt at lecturing me. “That’s easier said than done, Marie. Life is difficult. The past makes up key components of our person. Sometimes so much that it bleeds into the soul to the point you don’t know what to do or who to turn to. And that alone makes you want to give up and make the ground swallow you whole. So don’t tell me how I need to be or the model I need to fit because if I’m honest, I’ll never be it. Ever.”

Letting my personal statement settle in the air and scratch her brain, I use this opportunity to clear the room and leave everything, including her, behind. Stealthily treading around the corner, hauling through the long, extensive stone hallways that lead down the west wing, and eventually turning a sharp right approaching the east wing, which was at the furthest point in the monastery. My hands trembled, the plate shaky and unsteady, overthinking about this whole experience and if it was even worth it.

My anxiety escalated, my heart pounding against my ribs, feeling like my world would come crashing down. Like those fucking monsters would come and get me, and then it would truly be all over. Drowning my sorrows in nothing more than screams and blood.

Soon my cell came into my sight.

My bedroom was the only true place of solace.

It was the place where I could decompress.

Once I reached for the doorknob, anxiously jiggling the key in the hole, stumbling a few times before opening the damn door, slipping through, and slamming it shut behind me.

Resting my head against it, closing my eyes, and fuming my pent-up emotions.

I thought coming here would get rid of all those memories. Why didn’t it?

Would I ever know peace again?

“Kotyonok?” Konstantin's deep rasp filled my ears, somehow calming me like a swift autumn breeze.

“Mmhm, it’s me.” I confirmed his suspicion just in case he held a gun on the other end of the door and wanted to shoot me.

He shifted around; the door creaked open as my eyes did the same, only to be met with slick toned abs while water cascaded downward to his happy trail, dipping even lower where the towel hung on his hips.

Leaving my imagination to run wild and my mouth dry.

Damn, his body was toned from all the years in prison.

Manly satisfaction rose in his dark blue gaze, amused that he caught me checking him out. He ran his fingers through his wet hair, and the corner of his lips lifted up. “You like what you’re seeing, kotyonok.”

Embarrassment grazed my cheeks, flashing my gaze to some corner of the room. “Put some clothes on!”