Page 125 of Sins and Virtue

“Kon, you don’t have to.”

“But I want to. You’re the woman I love. Anything you care for, anything you devote yourself to, so shall I.”

God, he could really be charming and understanding. That was my favorite part about him. He was my shoulder to cry on, my safeguard that shielded me from the rest of the world, my haven to enjoy paradise.

A rising sigh collapsed inside my chest.

If I were being truthful, the reason I didn’t talk about my son to Kon was because I didn’t feel ready.

How could a mother express the way they carried their child forever attached to the crevices of the soul?

“From the moment you have a child, it’s the only thing you can think of constantly. From where he is to if he’s being hurt to if he’s asleep safe and sound. But how can he be safe and sound when he’s away from me? I am his mother. I loved him from the moment I found out I was pregnant, even if I was scared because I was nineteen. However, none of it mattered, because as soon as I held him in my arms, I felt the warmth of his tiny body,his little beating heart. He has become the center of it.” Hotness burned in the back of my eyes as I tried not to cry, raising my gaze towards the plain gray ceilings.

Konstantin rose up completely, his hand slipping around my shoulder as he drew my back towards his front, nearly relaxing in him.

“It’s been six months— more than a year and a half since I left him, and I haven’t made an attempt to see him. More than that, I fled to stay away from him. I’m such a bad mother.” The confession broke my seamlessly put-together composure.

That was the truth.

The sin edged on the conscience of my soul.

The ugly dark reflection I hated to see.

And the reason hatred festered in me. The reason I found myself less worthy to be loved.

“You’re not a bad mother,” he softly opposed.

“I am. How can a mother ever leave her child? What mother who gets the opportunity to find him doesn’t do it?”

“You didn’t want to leave him. You left to protect him.”

“I—”

I was torn at the seam. I didn’t know what to do.

“Kotyonok, enough beating yourself up about the past,” The timbre of his voice grew stronger, snapping me out of the spiraling spell of hate. His fingers dug into my skin; the pain made me aware of how far I’ve come and how much I’ve had left to live. “You can’t change it. You can’t live with the what-ifs. The only thing you can do is live in the now to try to amend the future. Ollie is still a baby, so you have so many more years to make memories.”

There was nothing more I dreamed of.

But there was still a driving factor that peeved me.

I gnawed at my bottom lip before asking, “What about us? This relationship goes beyond the both of us. I came into your worldwith some reservations, and I can’t imagine how you must feel knowing my past. But if you compare the two, I can’t choose between you and him—”

“I’m not asking you to,kotyonok.” His rough inflection carried some gentle undertones. “I can’t, and I don’t ever want to change that love you have for your son. I won’t compete with it. I’d only add to it.”

“How are you so sure? Today you might say that because you don’t know what it’s like to be a father or a parent, but once Ollie comes into our lives, things will change. We won’t live for ourselves anymore. You won’t have me to yourself. You’ll have to share. You have to learn how to love him. If you can.” Doubt manifested itself in my words.

“Why? Because he’s a kid?”

“Because he’s another man’s child. I’ve heard— seen what other men do to children that aren’t theirs.”

“He is a part of you. How can I not love someone who is like you?”

My heart tightened with consolidation. For a man of few words, he really spoke the most meaningful ones. The fact he would love Ollie because he was mine and nothing else mattered, not who was his father or what was his background, was the essence of loving a person fully without any restraints, any conditions and just for who they were.

“You make it sound so easy.”

“It is.”