Page 111 of Sins and Virtue

“What?”

“Nothing.”

She starts to walk again, heading off without me.

“Wait!” I ran up on her and caught her arm, turning her to face me as she pulled away. “What’s the problem?”

A second sigh fled her lips. “I’m not trying to be mean when I say this, but you. You are the problem.”

Damn.

Who ruffled her feathers?

A group of sisters going the other direction passed by as I waited to continue the conversation.

I puckered my forehead and pointed my painted nail to myself. “Me?”

“Yes, you’re lost in your own world and moping. And honestly, if you want to be by yourself, go ahead. I’ll be here when you’re ready to listen.”

“But I’m here.”

“You’re not here.” She argued, her lips thinning in deep disapproval.

“What are you talking about? I’m right here! I mean, look at me.” I mock a laugh, pressing my hands against my own body.

She shook her head dismissively. Her eyes glazed over my body from head to toe. “Blair, your mind and physical matter might be here, but your heart and soul aren’t.”

“I—”

Marie began to lecture me. “And I don’t blame you. This is not an easy life to commit to. There are rules and obligations. You have to die to yourself to serve the Lord. However, if there’s a doubt in your mind that you should be here, then you should go.”

“Go?”

“Go and be where you’re happy. Because at the end of the day God wants us to be happy even if it’s not a life of service but a life we choose to live for.”

I didn’t know why she was saying all of this, but a deep part of me, somewhere in my mind or heart, knew it was right. But still, what about the promises I made? Were those meant for nothing?

“Wait, why are you saying all of this?”

“Blair, seriously!” She questioned almost sarcastically. “If you haven’t noticed, your final vows are in a few days, and you’re here distracted.”

Oh. Shit.

In an attempt to help Konstantin escape, I had forgotten. My routine. My prayers. Helping the children with the final Easter preparations. Everything had surrounded him and me.

If my lack of words didn’t tell, the blank surprised stare I had did.

She snapped her fingers, and an obviously conceited expression enveloped her face. “Like I said.”

“That doesn’t mean I’m not trying!”

“Look, Blair, you’re not ready. And to be honest, I don’t think you ever will be.” And like a harsh storm, she tore my path apart and left quickly.

Doing the walk of shame all the way back to my bedchamber, I observed the scenery of the world around me. How the rainbow-colored flyers and ribbons hung from the ceiling of each home. The streets were lined with arrays of flower arrangements. The radiant sheen of shine that cascaded through the quiet city off the coast and how everyone in this city appeared to be happy and alive… all but me. I tried so hard to deny myself what I wanted, but it was obvious it was a lie.

I opened the door, and there he was, standing beside the arched glass window with his large tattooed arms crossed,gazing out at life out there. Sneaking inside and closing the door behind me, his gaze roamed up at me and connected with mine.

My chest squeezed hard at the sight of him in my room. Although it was forbidden, this never felt more right.