Page 106 of Sins and Virtue

The same needs.

Then why couldn’t we be… together?

“I don’t regret last night, but that doesn’t mean it was right,” she uttered, ripping away any illusion.

“Then what would make it right?”

“I don’t know. I… I feel like I fuck everything up, and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep being a fuck-up.”

The middle of my chest collided with a wind of torn sympathy. How could she see herself as such? She was the most magnificent being. Her being was reason enough for my existence. If it weren’t for the night we met, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be free. I wouldn’t be with her.

Solemnly regretting the notion, I drawled with force. “You’re not a fuck-up.”

“But I’ve messed up so many times; how could I present myself in front of God and not be ashamed?”

I wasn’t one for grand moral lectures. Hell, look at me, at best a criminal and at worst a psychotic monster, yet I didn’t think about my wrongs and rights but rather my values and belief in protecting those you love unconditionally. No matter the cost. No matter the consequence. Scratching my jaw, I begin, “Being human makes us fallible. It is the essence of our nature, and when God saw this in the first humans and then prophets who failed him, he still forgave them. And do you know why?”

Blair’s eyes rounded as she shook her head, vaguely unaware.

“Because he knew no matter how many times they messed up, their hearts were with him.” I lifted my hands, pointing my index fingers at hers. “Their faith never faltered, so God never abandoned them. It wasn’t about being perfect or about praying a hundred times a day or even completing the purifying rituals they held. It was about what was in their heart and how they share that bond with God. And if anyone tells you otherwise, they don’t know God. At least not what I’d believe in.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because it brings a man like me to peace, and to love and believe in him is to have peace. If you feel fear, then it isn’t right.”

She blinked slowly, her gaze locked on mine. My heart rang in my ears. “Somehow it makes sense. It’s actually the one thing I’ve heard all this time that feels right. You’re right.”

Her approval was the only judgment I needed, but still it didn’t free me from the dooming guilt of the horrible words I said to her.

“I’m sorry. I’m terribly sorry for what I said earlier. It kills me to remember what I said. It was unnecessary and foolish of me. I swear I've become so stupid around you. I can’t even think straight. Not that it’s your fault. It’s mine for being such anobtuse idiot that doesn’t know how to emotionally comprehend and communicate certain things.”

Her face remained unresponsive as she said, “Come here.” She suddenly tapped on her thick legs.

“Why?”

She repeated, “Come here.”

Whether I was a fool or didn’t have enough to resist, I laid my head on her lap, feeling so safe to do so. Looking up at her as she became the sole focus of my entire world— of my existence.

Slowly and tenderly, she threaded her fingers into my hair. A peaceful ease breezed through me. “You’ll never do that again?”

“Never.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise I’ll never do anything like that, or I’ll tear out my own heart.”

I could hear a smile in her voice. “Good. I forgive you for that. But—“

“But?”

“But only as long as you forgive me too? Feelings are so hard to control, and having the confidence to make a confession is worse. So forgive me for ever saying you’re stupid. I didn’t mean it like that. I just couldn’t— I don’t understand why you would like me? Besides the obvious chemistry and physical attraction, I don’t understand why you would be so endeared with me. I mean, look at me.”

“I am.” I shifted, lifting my head, inching my face towards her until our lips were mere centimeters apart. The dark desire overtook my voice as I spoke, “You’re the most fascinating person I’ve ever met. You captured my attention with one look and my existence with one word. I don’t know if this is love, but I’ve never felt like this for anyone before. Only you. Just you.”

Her face blushed immediately as she lowered her gaze sheepishly, which was an oddity because Blair wasn’t a womanyou could easily fluster. “I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me.”

“You may have had many firsts, but I want to be your last, Blair. What do you say,kotyonok?”