Page 116 of Sins and Virtue

“Before you came here, a man called, saying the mother of his child was coming, that she was going away for some time and needed sanctuary. Not long after, you popped up, so I connected the two.”

“Marcello,” I softly hissed under my breath, pinching the bridge of my nose as I shut my eyes. “That man—” Although we were no longer lovers, he still protected me like a guardian angel, and I appreciated him for that always.

“Blair, none of the girls who enter into the convent are saints. Not even Father Andrea.” The mere mention of his name brought back heavy, moaning flashbacks of that night he spied on us. Now knowing what I do, the perspective of him being a saintly man was all wrong. He was a man like any other and less perfect than what I’d thought. “We all have our pasts, some more sinful— no more difficult than others— yet it doesn’t mean we can run. We have to face our demons head-on.”

“Well, like you, I hurt someone— someone with a lot of money and power— who almost hurt my son, and I ran to this convent to not put him in harm’s way. But I’ve been suffering every day since and recently, I meet someone—”

“Who? Where? When?” She blinked rapidly, looking around the four walls. “Is he here now?”

The irony of those questions, ha. Like I’d ever tell a soul about that. “Well, it’s a long story, but he’s made me see there is another way to repent— to live.”

“Well, what are you waiting for? It seems like you’ve made your mind up.”

“I can’t just choose to be selfish.”

“Yes, you can. Millions of people do it every day, and God doesn’t just judge you because you want to have a life outside of him. He just wants to make sure you still include him. That’s not selfish.”

“I’ve always believed whether or not he controls fate. Making you do things for one reason or another.”

“True, but God gave us one important thing he gave no other creature: free will. Meaning that what happens, good or bad, doesn’t mean it was God’s will or his absence, but it’s our reaction to it. Whether to be controlled by our past or be able to look towards the future, that power lies with you, no one else. The decision is yours,” Mother Superior mentioned, who was the one really controlling my destiny— and that was me.

My lips nearly faltered as I looked down at my clenched hands. “But what if I mess up again?”

“Sweetheart, life is about making mistakes. If we don’t make mistakes, we don’t learn. We don’t progress as people. God doesn’t want us to remain who we are but builds us to greater lengths.”

“And what if I wanted to be a greater person outside these four walls?”

“Then that’s your destiny.”

I peered my gaze up and met her wise glance, her narrowed cheeks nearly rounded upward. It felt like being in the care of a true mother.

“Go to your son, go fall in love, and never stop living, Blair.” For the first time ever and perhaps the last time, she flashed a genuine smile of a comrade.

And somehow, I knew exactly what I needed to do.

Chapter 19

Konstantin

Never did I think leaving was going to be so unpleasant— painful, to put it bluntly.

For the last few years all I wanted, desired, and dreamed of was escaping prison and living the life I craved.

Now that it was in the palm of my hands, the sole purpose of the mission had been derailed.

All I wanted— the woman I wanted— was staying, and I was leaving.

Our shared paths were coming to an end.

It felt like a piece of my soul had been shredded from my chest. Staying with her.

It was unthinkable; even if this were two months ago, I would have gotten on the train and never looked back.

Yet all my eyes did was search for her.

My boot tapped incessantly against the subway floor as I sat on one of the benches. My muscles were tight against the fabric of the black leather jacket, shirt, and blue jeans Blair had given methe day after we met. Sure, it wasn’t the grandest gift, but it was one that meant more than a million dollars.

The chatter of the people coming in and out amplified my shot nerves. The speaker system called for the boarding passages. The sound of rushed footsteps ran through and out.