Page 7 of I Can’t Even Think Straight
Wednesday: The Boys—Lunch Hall
“Matt’s a beast at boxing,” says Nathan.
“Yeah, man.” Kwesi joins in.
“I was scared when TJ paired me with him.”
Kwesi is Nathan’s right-hand man.
The rest of The Boys,
Kojo, Abdi, and Sam, are TV canned laughter
played on Nathan’s cue.
They reach across their lunch table
or around each other to fist-bump Matt
or pat him on the back.
Matt smiles with fake modesty,
loving this attention.
He said he got no air with them,
but they’re really gassing him up.
This is the right kind of attention,
I imagine Matt thinking.
I can’t tell if Matt’s brought me
to sit with them
to quell the speculation
about our sexuality
or to show off
his newfound popularity.
We’ve never sat with
Nathan and The Boys
at lunch before today.
None of them have ever
spoken to me outside class.
I’ve kept out of their way,
and they’ve let me be.
Matt’s summer of boxing
has changed everything.
They seem to respect him,
and so, I guess they have to
tolerate me, his best friend.
Matt and I come as a pair.
“You gonna come boxing with us
sometime, Kai?” Kwesi asks me.
I feel like Kwesi’s been watching me closely.
Like I’m a question he can’t answer.
Like I’m a word he can’t remember.
We’re in several classes together,
but this is the first time
he’s chosen to speak to me.
We’ve been paired together in Spanish
but that was Senorita Correa’s choice,
not ours.
“ No, gracias ,” I reply.
“ Estoy bien .” I wave away
the invitation to boxing
with a flick of the wrist.
“I have no desire to be punched,” I say.
“I’d like to avoid head injuries
until after GCSEs and A levels.”
A pause.
I don’t care how these boys see me,
but I avoid eye contact with Matt:
I refuse to act straight for his benefit.
I’m determined to be myself,
whether The Boys like it or not,
whether Matt likes it or not.
I can only act straight
when I concentrate on it.
The rest of the time, I’m pretty camp,
and a bit of a clown.
Cue more canned laughter
from The Boys.
“You’re a joker, Kai,” says Nathan.
“Especially in drama.
You could be a professional actor.”
“I don’t know about that,” I say.
“I’d rather write than act.
“Matt’s a better actor than me,”
my devil makes me add.
I look at Matt to see if
he catches my meaning,
but he avoids my gaze.
I’m not being fair to him.
Matt doesn’t act straight;
he’s just typically straight-acting,
like the rest of The Boys.
If Nathan likes me, the rest of The Boys
don’t have a choice but to accept me
because Nathan is their leader
and they are Nathan’s minions.
My eyes settle on Kwesi,
who is still watching me.
What’s he thinking?
“You could write a boxing film.
Matt could be your leading man.”
Kwesi says this like he knows something,
or more like he wants to know something.
Nathan jumps in:
“The next Michael B. Jordan.”
The Creed film franchise
and Matt’s boxing prowess
are the topics of conversation
for the rest of lunch.
In the space of a single summer,
Matt has become
one of The Boys,
and Kwesi has become
one to watch.
Does Kwesi know I’m gay?
Is he gay, too?
Why is Kwesi watching me?