Page 12 of I Can’t Even Think Straight
Friday: Boyfriends—Lunch Hall
It’s fish and chips Friday
in our school cafeteria:
the batter here is even better
than my local chip shop.
“You two are boyfriends, right?”
Nathan asks me and Matt
in front of the rest of The Boys.
“No,” I say instantly.
“No,” Matt echoes me.
“But you’re both gay, aren’t you?”
Kwesi’s voice is gentle,
with a hint of confusion.
This isn’t an accusation,
he seems to know, but
he’s seeking confirmation.
Kwesi’s eyes search mine
as if to say, It’s okay .
Does Kwesi wanna know if I’m gay
because he’s into me?
I wanna say yes but I know Matt
isn’t ready to come out.
Nathan jumps in:
“It’s okay if you are gay,
bisexual, pansexual,
queer, or whatever.
My sister’s a lesbian.”
Kwesi offers: “My uncle’s gay
but you couldn’t tell if you met him.
He’s just, like, a regular guy.”
This shatters my illusion that
Kwesi is into me.
Kwesi is clearly
a well-meaning straight boy.
“I can only speak for myself,”
Matt says, in a bizarre voice,
like an undercover policeman
pretending to be a gang member.
“I’m not gay, that’s all I’m saying.”
Matt pats me on the back.
What does this mean?
Go ahead and tell them?
Is this my opportunity
to come out to The Boys?
Was that Matt’s blessing?
I scan six pairs of eyes.
It’s a moment in time but it’s like a lifetime:
Matt, Nathan, Kwesi, Kojo, Abdi, and Sam
wait for me to speak.
I feel a surge of embarrassed heat.
I feel tears welling in my eyes.
I can’t cry here in front of The Boys
and everyone in the lunch hall.
Kojo looks away.
Abdi pipes up: “So, Kai, are you gay?”
“Shut up, man,” says Sam, nudging Abdi.
Nathan looks from me to Matt,
from Matt back to me,
like a fight is about to break out.
For a moment I think
I might like to fight Matt,
take my chances and throw a punch
at the amateur
boxer.
I feel angry.
I feel pushed under the bus.
I feel pushed out of the closet
because Matt wants to stay inside.
Once I’m out, he’ll lock the door
behind me.
I exhale and say, “Yes, I’m gay.”
This isn’t how I imagined coming out
at school (in the lunch hall on fish and chips Friday),
but I guess this is as good a day as any.
“I knew it!” Kwesi raises a fist.
I flinch automatically,
as if he’s gonna punch me.
Kwesi’s fist hovers in front of me,
and I realize he wants a fist bump.
“Spud me,” he says softly.
Does he feel sorry for me?
As our fists meet,
I see a twinkle in Kwesi’s eye.
I make sense to him now.
He no longer has to search
for the answer
to the question of me.
Nathan offers me a fist bump.
Abdi and Sam pat me on the back.
It all feels so convivial,
like The Boys have planned
their perfect reactions.
But then I realize
Kojo hasn’t looked at me.
Kojo must’ve missed the memo.
Give him time, says my angel,
he’s no threat to you.
I force a smile for Matt,
who smiles back,
but I have no idea
what he’s thinking.
I’ve never felt more
distant from him.
While The Boys list
everyone else in our school
known to be LGBTQ+,
I finish my fish and chips in silence.