Page 40 of I Can’t Even Think Straight

Labels—Lunchtime—The Library

I plan to sit in the library

with my notebook.

I heard a whisper of an idea

last time I was in here,

and I hope that idea

has been waiting for me

in the quiet of the room.

Jyoti sits pretending to read

at an otherwise vacant library desk.

Her signed copy of the book by The Author

is propped up like it’s on display,

while her hands are moving behind it.

Inside my heavy backpack,

my own signed copy is waiting for me to read.

As I get closer,

my suspicions are confirmed.

Jyoti is tapping on her phone.

I pull out the plastic-and-metal

school chair beside Jyoti,

which isn’t the only free seat in the library.

I actually wanna sit with her.

“Hey,” I say nonchalantly.

“Talk of the devil!” Jyoti responds.

“You and The Twins are so cute!”

Jyoti shows me the photo T took.

I take Jyoti’s phone.

I zoom in on myself:

I need to ask Granny

to redo my cane rows soon.

I hand back her phone. “Are you and T

seeing each other or are you dating?”

“You’d have to ask T. What’s he said?”

“He said you were just seeing each other,”

I tell her, “but you two are always texting.”

“So.” Jyoti shrugs. “There’s your answer.”

“Well, I’m seeing a guy right now

and we don’t text at all,” I ponder aloud

as I pull out my sky-blue notebook

from my backpack and rummage for my pencil case.

“Why not?” Jyoti asks.

“I don’t know what I’d text him.

Matt’s the person I text the most,

and my other best friend Vass,

and I write a lot of things down.”

I find my yellow banana-shaped pencil case

and pull out a pen, then I pause.

I don’t want Jyoti reading over my shoulder.

I can’t write in my notebook sitting beside her.

“Why aren’t you with Matt and The Boys today?

Did you guys fall out or something?” asks Jyoti.

Is she trying to get some gossip out of me?

I set my pen on top of my closed notebook.

“I just felt like some

quiet library time today,” I say.

“When I came to

meet The Author,

I remembered how much

I used to enjoy

coming to the library at lunchtimes.

I never knew you

spent lunchtimes in here, too.

I never saw you

in here in year seven and eight

when I was here almost every day.”

“It’s a recent thing for me,” says Jyoti.

“Oh yeah?” I say inanely.

“I’m entering my literary era,” says Jyoti,

pointing to the book by The Author,

which she’s clearly not been reading.

“It’s calmer in here than the lunch hall,

the art room, or the drama studio.”

“But how will you get your gossip

if you’re not out there amongst it?” I ask.

“Well, you brought the gossip to me today,” she says.

“You told me voluntarily that you’re seeing someone.”

“Yes, I guess I did. But it’s not a secret.”

“Is it someone at school?” she asks, excited.

“No, he’s not at this school.

He’s some private-school boy I met at bouldering.”

“Does this ‘private-school boy’ have a name?”

Jyoti copies my own glum tone.

“Obi,” I offer, but say no more.

“You don’t seem too excited to talk about him.”

“I feel excited when I’m with him,

but when I’m not with him, I forget about him.

When I see you and T are texting all the time,

I wonder why I don’t ever feel like texting Obi.”

I pause to weigh my words before I continue.

“Like, I’ve had some stuff going on recently

and Matt’s been the one to help me through it.

I didn’t even think to ask Obi for his advice.

I didn’t even tell Obi what’s been happening.”

“But you and Matt...” Jyoti trails off.

“Me and Matt what?”

“You’re best friends.”

Jyoti says this oddly,

but I don’t take the bait.

“Isn’t the goal supposed to be

that your romantic partner

becomes your best friend eventually?” I ask.

“No, not necessarily,” says Jyoti, thinking.

“That’s not always the healthiest thing.

Imagine you made your romantic partner

your everything: if you broke up

there would be nothing and no one else left.

That would be super depressing.”

“So, T’s not becoming your best friend?”

“Don’t get me wrong, I like your cousin.

But I wouldn’t go so far as to say

he’s becoming my best friend.

He might not become my boyfriend.

Sometimes I think he’s more lonely

than romantically interested in me.

He needs someone to listen to him.

I think he’s misunderstood.

I think he’s a good person.”

Jyoti pauses to weigh her words.

“I think ‘seeing each other’

means seeing how it goes.

It’s one of those slippery labels.

It might go toward becoming a couple.

It might go toward becoming friends.

It might fade to nothing.”

Mrs. James shushes us, and we obey.

“And there’s this,” Jyoti whispers,

and gestures to the space between us.

“What?” I ask, royally confused.

“This conversation with you.

We’ve not done much of this before.

If I wasn’t seeing your cousin,

we wouldn’t have had our little run-in

and gone from enemies to friends,

or whatever this is...” She trails off.

“We were never enemies,” I scoff.

“I’m glad to hear that,” says Jyoti.

“You do know I’m sorry

for the trouble I caused for you and Matt,

and between you and T.”

“Yes, I know,” I say gently.

“I’ve been meaning to

apologize to you as well.

I’m sorry Matt and I

were kinda rude to you

when you were trying

to set the record straight.”

“Or not straight.” Jyoti points at me.

I laugh too loudly.

Mrs. James shushes us again.

“I’d like us to be friends,” Jyoti whispers.

“I’d like that, too,” I whisper-giggle back.

I may not trust her completely,

but I’m starting to like Jyoti.