Page 13 of I Can’t Even Think Straight
Rainbow Sprinkles—After School—Vass’s Bedroom
On Vass’s bed there are pillows
and colorful cushions galore.
There are posters on the wall,
clothes on the floor,
and a big blue evil eye hanging
above their bedroom door.
“Whipped cream, marshmallows,
and rainbow sprinkles.
The way you both like it.”
Theía Estélla hands us
our two hot chocolates.
She’s extra tanned from our holiday in Cyprus.
Her classic French manicured nails are perfect.
“Thanks, Mum,” mumbles Vass.
“Ευχαριστ?, Θε?α Εστ?λλα,” I thank her.
“Ε?ναι τ?λεια,” I tell her,
to make up for Vass’s distinct lack
of enthusiasm:
Vass isn’t usually this dismissive
of their mum.
“Μπρ?βο, αγ?ρι μου.” Theía Estélla
smiles and pinches my cheek,
the way she often does when I speak Greek.
She leaves the bedroom and shuts the door.
“She doesn’t realize we’ve grown up.”
Vass rolls their eyes.
Their whole vibe feels
off to me.
I don’t know,
maybe Vass and Theía Estélla
have had a row recently?
I look down at the sprinkles
on my marshmallows and whipped cream,
then around Vass’s bedroom,
which looks like the wind blew in
Pride parades from decades ago:
a “Pits and Perverts” T-shirt
from Lesbians and Gays Support the Miners,
a SILENCE = DEATH poster,
and five updates of the Pride flag.
“Well, you still love rainbows,” I tease,
in an effort to lighten the mood.
“Anyway, where were we?
Oh yeah! You were telling me
how you don’t think Kwesi is into you.”
“Exactly! Like I said,
I think I misinterpreted
how he was looking at me.
I think he was just trying
to figure me out.”
“I know how that feels,” says Vass.
I wait for Vass to say more but they don’t.
I take a slow sip of my hot chocolate
and the marshmallows tickle my nose.
Vass doesn’t seem as excited
about my coming out
as I’d imagined they would be.
Vass’s bedroom looks fit for a Pride party,
but Vass isn’t celebrating me.
Something about Vass seems
darker these days, like clouds
threatening to rain on a Pride parade.
“What’s wrong, Vass?”
“You do realize Matt outed you,
and that’s not cool?”
“I wanted to come out.
I’ve wanted to do it
since before summer.
If anything, I feel sorry for Matt.”
“But when you imagined coming out,
was it like that?”
“No, but it’s not Matt’s fault.
Nathan and Kwesi put us on the spot.
I think Jyoti concluded Matt was gay
because she liked him,
and he wasn’t into her.”
“You make a lot of excuses for Matt.
I’m starting to think
you really are in love with him.”
I wanna tell Vass
I have a crush on Matt, but
I don’t plan to act on it
while Matt’s in the closet.
I don’t tell Vass any of this.
I feel myself get hot with anger.
“Why can’t you be happy
for me coming out?” I ask.
“Nothing’s good enough for you.
You roll your eyes at your mum
when she brings you hot chocolate.
You know, you haven’t even
congratulated me for coming out.
You pick everything apart
until it seems like a bad thing.”
It sounds like my devil speaking.
I know my final statement
applies to me more than Vass.
I know I should take it back.
We don’t look at each other.
Vass sips their hot chocolate,
and I gulp mine, swallowing
a mouthful of rainbow sprinkles.