Page 28 of I Can’t Even Think Straight

Monday: Doe-Eyed—After School—Vass’s Bedroom

Sometimes, I think I see flashes

of the assault in Vass’s big brown eyes,

like a deer in headlights,

but I could be imagining it.

Vass doesn’t talk about it directly,

not since they told me on the swings,

but we talk about things related to it.

We talk about the support group

they go to once a week,

but I only get the gist of it,

without any details

of these people to hold on to.

They’re important to Vass,

but Vass can’t share them with me.

It’s like a portal to another world,

or a layer of reality I can’t see.

“When do I get to meet

this anxious young man?”

Vass asks me when I tell them

about my date with Obi,

and read them a poem

I wrote about him.

“I don’t know,” I say.

“It was just one date.”

“I can’t wait to check out those fangs

you’re so obsessed with.”

“I’m not obsessed,” I protest,

“and I didn’t call them fangs.”

Vass snatches my notebook

and finds the page I just shared.

“Right there:

‘his dog-toothed smile,’ you said.”

Vass quotes me back to myself.

“Woof, woof.” Vass teases me.

When I’ve recovered from

the biggest cringe of my life,

Vass looks at me, doe-eyed.

“I’m so happy for you, Kai.”

Vass may not be able to share

everything with me,

but I’m happy I can still share

everything with them.

“If you really wanna meet Obi,”

I say, as the idea comes to me,

“you could come to bouldering.”

Vass tilts their head

as they consider my invitation

with an unreadable expression.

“Matt’s been wanting to meet you, too,”

I add, as if this would sweeten the deal.

But this isn’t about Matt or Obi.

It’s about Vass and me.

I wanna spend as much time

with Vass as possible,

especially when

they seem so vulnerable.