Page 39 of I Can’t Even Think Straight

Wednesday: The Truth Will Set You Free—Before School

Matt laughs to himself

as he approaches me before school

at the gates of our weekday prison.

“There’s the boy who almost cried wolf!”

I shake my head at him.

We walk through the gates and out of earshot

of our prison-guard teachers

and fellow-inmate students.

“Oh no! Not you!” I chuckle.

“I hate Pastor Matthew!” I say this

but I mean the opposite.

Matt does this church pastor comedy character

because he thinks it gives me the ick

but really, I love him.

The character, that is.

“Excuse me,

young man,” Pastor Matthew continues.

“I think the words

you’re looking for

are

‘Thank you’

and

‘I love you.’”

Did Matt say that last part in his own voice?

I’m too shocked to say anything.

“So, how did Auntie Irína react?” Matt asks.

I must’ve imagined that last part.

“She was angry I made up the homophobia part,

but also relieved I owned up,

you know, before it blew up—”

“My thoughts exactly,” Matt interrupts me.

“But wait, listen: she said she was glad

she didn’t come into school this morning

like a crazy Karen peddling fake news.”

Matt creases over with laughter.

I feel proud and warmed to have achieved

a second big laugh from Matt

before the school day has begun.

“Wow!” Matt says, recovering.

“Your mum called herself a Karen.

Auntie Irína’s too funny, man!”

I don’t mind sharing the credit

for this laughter with Mum.

We’re a team, at the end of the day.

I tell Matt how Mum will still

email Ms. Sarpong to complain

about Mr. Ndour, but only

with the facts of the matter

and nothing about homophobia.

“You happy with that?” asks Matt.

“Yes. At least Mum’s on my side now.”

Matt reaches forward

and puts his hands on my shoulders,

and says, in all sincerity,

“Didn’t I say the truth would be enough?

The truth will set you free.”

He squeezes my shoulders,

and then releases them.

I give my closeted gay friend a look that says,

I’m not gonna say it .

Matt gives me a look back that says,

Thank you for not saying it .

“You know what I didn’t realize

until afterward?” I ask him.

“What?” Matt sounds worried.

“I officially came out to my mum

by telling her I thought Mr. Ndour

had been homophobic to me.

My official coming out to my mum

was overshadowed by a lie.”

“That’s kinda messed up,”

Matt says sympathetically.

“It’s really messed up,” I agree.

My devil reminds me

I should still be angry at Matt,

because my coming out at school

has been undermined by the lie

I’m keeping for him.

“Better luck next time.”

Matt pats me on the back.

“You’ve still got plenty

of people left to come out to:

your yiayia and bapou,

your granny, your dad,

and your family in Jamaica.”

The rage I feel at the mention of my dad

surpasses any anger I feel for Matt.

I feel my eyes well up and my face flush.

My dad who doesn’t help Mum,

and has next to nothing to do with me.

My dad who Mum threatened

to get involved in order to protect me.

I feel like I’m falling into a pit,

into the Earth’s core full of magma.

Matt puts his hands back on my shoulders.

“Kai, come back.”

My shoulders soften,

and I can breathe again.

I didn’t realize

I hadn’t been breathing.

Matt smiles at me gently.

He waits for me.

Over his shoulder, a flow

of students enter the school gates.

Matt doesn’t seem to mind.

I dare to dream that,

in time,

Matt could be mine.

“I wanna come out to my granny,”

I say, finding the thread

of our conversation again.

“I’m not bothered about my dad,”

I lie, willing it to be true.

“I don’t think I’ll come out

to my family in Jamaica.

You know it’s illegal there.”

Matt gives my shoulders

a longer squeeze this time,

before he releases them,

like he didn’t wanna let go.

“You know it’s not illegal to be

a gay person in Jamaica.”

Matt corrects me unnecessarily,

as if I didn’t know this.

“It’s illegal to have gay sex.

That’s illegal in Nigeria as well.”

“I know,” I say, giving bombastic side-eye,

but relieved to be back

in this conversation with Matt

and not lost in my anger.

“But I do plan to have gay sex, someday.”

“Someday soon?” asks Matt.

“With Obi, maybe?”

“Maybe,” I reply, looking Matt in the eye.

The truth will set you free, Matt said,

but I’m not sure

I’m ready to face the truth between us.