Page 5 of I Can’t Even Think Straight
Tuesday: Self-Preservation—Lunch Hall
I tease Matt and poke his bicep:
“Why are your arms so big?
Have you been weight lifting?”
“Yeah, I have,” Matt says coyly,
“and I went to boxing boot camp over summer.
I wanna be able to defend myself,
or defend you if I have to.”
I find this sweet and scary.
I deflect with a joke: “Chekhov’s guns!”
“What’s that mean?”
“Don’t you remember
from drama class before summer?
If there’s a gun early in a story,
it has to be used later.
So, now you know how to box
you’ll be forced to use
your new muscles and skills
to punch someone.”
Matt shakes his head at me:
“You think ‘all the world’s a stage’ or whatever.
I don’t think real life follows the rules of theater
or the rules of books and films either.
You read and watch so many stories
that you’ve forgotten about real life.
Real life is messy, it doesn’t always make sense.
Real life isn’t a story with symmetry
and a satisfactory ending.”
“Then why do you let the Bible dictate your life?
Isn’t the Bible a bunch of stories?”
“The Bible doesn’t dictate my life, Kai.
What dictates my life is the fact
that my parents are homophobic,
and I wanna keep a roof over my head.
I just wanna do my homework
and study for my exams,
so I can go to a faraway university.
This isn’t self-denial.
It’s self-preservation.
I know who I am, I know I’m gay,
but I know my parents.
Maybe I’ll come out at university.
We’ll have to wait and see
how my story unfolds.”
I hate the sarcastic way Matt says “story”:
it’s like he’s mocking
everything he knows about me.
“That’s all well and good for you
but what about me?”
“I’ve already said
you can come out if you want,
but just keep me out of it.
And if anyone asks if I’m gay, too,
please tell them I’m not.
I’ll get a girlfriend if I have to.”
I’m surprised by the lengths
Matt seems willing to go to
to conceal his sexuality.
He’d disobey his parents in one way
in order not to disappoint them in another.
It seems extreme to me,
but I’ve not lived in his house,
I’ve only been a guest.
I went to Matt’s church once,
the pastor seemed friendly,
but Matt didn’t invite me back.
It doesn’t bother me anyway,
because now I work Sundays
on Mum’s market stall.
“You wouldn’t really
get a girlfriend?” I venture.
“You know your parents
wouldn’t like that either.
And you know it
won’t be fair to the girl.”
“How’s it fair to me,” says Matt,
“for you to draw attention to us?”
Despite everything that frustrates me
about this situation,
despite the back-and-forth with Matt
about me coming out,
when Matt says “us,” I allow myself
to imagine it for a moment.
I see us as a couple, here at school.
I see us the way others see us.
“Cute together,” Jyoti said to T.
Matt continues:
“The moment you come out,
they’ll wonder about me.”
I know Matt’s emotional
blackmail isn’t okay,
but I also know he’s afraid,
and I also know he’s right.
I decide it’s best not to tell Matt
about what Jyoti said to T.
My angel and devil both agree.
We are cute together,
at school and out of school.
We would make a cute couple.
If Matt were willing to come out,
I would consider him
as a potential boyfriend.
Of course I find Matt attractive,
and when we’re not arguing,
I love his company.
But I don’t want a boyfriend
who plans to stay in the closet until university:
that could never be my story.
I recall my advice to Vass:
It’s fine to have a crush
without having to act on it.
I have a crush on Matt,
I can admit that,
but I deserve to be with someone
who’ll be proud to be with me.
I allow a few more moments
of silence between us,
before I weave a new thread
into our conversation.
“Were there any hot guys
at this boxing boot camp?”
A shadow falls over Matt’s face.
“Nathan Anderson and The Boys were there.”
I don’t catch Matt’s meaning.
“Do you fancy Nathan Anderson?”
Matt shakes his head
and narrows his eyes,
like he’s disappointed
I can’t read his mind.
“No,” Matt says. He tuts and sighs.
“Because Nathan and The Boys were there,
it was like there was no fresh air.
Someone must’ve told our coach, TJ,
that we all go to the same school.
TJ kept putting me with one of them.
He probably thought he was doing us a favor.
There were loads of other boys there,
but I didn’t get to know anyone new.”
“So, no summer crushes?” I ask too cheerily.
“Nada,” Matt says flatly.
It’s like Matt’s shadow grows
and settles over us both.
Jyoti is standing over us.
“Sorry to interrupt,” she whispers,
holding up her hands.
I notice faded henna on her palms.
“I just want to apologize—”
“Not now, Jyoti.” I try to stop her
but she’s on a roll.
“I didn’t say you were together.
I said you looked cute together,
and I didn’t say you were gay,
but I get how it came across that way.
Anyway, I thought you should know,
T said he can’t see me anymore,
and I get that he has to stand up
for you, as his cousin,
but I think he’s overreacting.”
Matt glares at me with a WTF expression.
He understands what’s happened.
Jyoti spelled it out, and Matt’s a bright boy:
Matt’s my favorite boy.
“Who else have you
been saying this to?” whispers Matt.
“No one,” says Jyoti, her voice a pitch higher.
She’s a liar! says my devil.
She’s harmless, says my angel.
I look at Matt and somehow
we both know that we need to change tack,
and we become a double act.
“Jyoti, I’m sorry T stopped
seeing you because of me,” I say.
But it serves you right,
my devil dares me to add.
But my angel reminds me
to keep it light and breezy,
to stay on track for the sake of Matt.
“Thank you.” Jyoti puts a hand to her heart,
and I can’t tell if she’s being serious or not.
“Jyoti, can you do me a favor, please?”
Matt bats his eyelashes at Jyoti.
“Of course.” Jyoti slow-nods dreamily.
“This isn’t an accusation,”
Matt begins, “but if there’s anyone else who...”
Matt pauses, looks at me.
I offer: “Might’ve got
the wrong impression?”
Matt repeats: “If there’s anyone else
who might’ve got the wrong impression,
can you tell them we’re not together
and neither of us is gay?”
My heart sinks, and Jyoti sees it.
She smiles sympathetically.
“Okay, I can do that,” says Jyoti.
Her agreement reveals her gossip about us
has already spread far and wide.