Page 16 of I Can’t Even Think Straight

Monday: Out and Proud—Lunch Hall

“Kai, can I talk to you in private, please?”

says Jyoti sheepishly.

“We’ve got no secrets here,” says Nathan.

He flings an arm over my shoulder

and pulls me closer to him.

“Anything you have to say to our boy Kai,

you can say in front of us all.”

I smile at Jyoti with a shrug that says,

Just go with it.

“Um, okay,” Jyoti begins.

“I’m a little bit confused.”

“Are you gay, too?” Abdi asks Jyoti.

“Abdi, man, let her speak,” says Sam.

“No, I’m straight,

which is what you said you were

when I asked you,” Jyoti says to me.

I wanna correct Jyoti and remind her

that it was Matt who said that, not me,

but I can’t be bothered with pedantry.

“Jyoti, it wasn’t your place to speculate

about my sexuality

before I was ready to come out.

But, yes, I’m gay

and I don’t care who knows.

I hope that clears up

any confusion you’re feeling.”

“So, you’re gay but Matt isn’t?” asks Jyoti.

The Boys and I all turn to Matt

to let him speak for himself.

“Yeah, that’s right,” says Matt.

“So now you’ve got your facts straight,

is there anything else

we can help you with today?”

Jyoti’s mouth hangs open before

she catches herself and closes it.

She scans our group;

her shoulders drop.

She shakes her head,

turns and walks away.

“Is there anything else

we can help you with today?”

Kwesi parrots Matt

and pats him on the back.

The rest of The Boys

explode with laughter.

I wanna see Matt like the rest of The Boys

who’ve accepted me for me,

who are ready to defend me,

but I can’t help but see Matt differently.

I can’t help but feel sad for Matt,

knowing he’s still denying his sexuality.

I can’t explain it properly,

but whenever Matt denies himself,

it’s like he’s denying a part of me,

the part of me that wants to love him

as more than friends.