Page 18 of I Can’t Even Think Straight

Tuesday: Eyes and Ears—Lunch Hall

“Hi, Kai,” says Jyoti

as she passes our lunch table.

She wants to be liked, says my angel.

“Hi, Jyoti,” I reply, with a pang of guilt

for how rude we were to her yesterday,

but she breezes past us before I can

find the right words for an apology.

You’ll get another chance, says my angel.

“Is it true she’s seeing your cousin?”

whispers Kwesi as he leans into me.

“How did you know that?” I ask, astonished.

“There are eyes and ears everywhere,”

says Kwesi with an air

of mock-mystery,

his hands opening and closing

in front of his face

like little explosions.

Nathan leans across the lunch table toward us.

“What you man talking about?”

“Kai’s cousin and Jyoti,” says Kwesi.

“Who’s Kai’s cousin?” asks Abdi.

Sam whispers to Abdi,

whose eyes widen with surprise.

“That’s Kai’s cousin?” Abdi says to Sam.

Abdi looks at me quizzically,

but I resist the urge to confront Sam

about what he said about T.

I worry it was something bad.

Eyes and ears everywhere, repeats my devil.

I look at the evil eye bracelet

around my left wrist,

a gift from Mum

that’s supposed to protect me.

Whispers and gossip make me feel paranoid

about The Boys,

and the sincerity of their friendship with me.

Matt’s been quiet all lunchtime,

and he seems to be fading into the background

as I take center stage in this group.

Matt is sitting beside a quiet Kojo,

who’s kept his distance from me

ever since I came out last week.

Kojo hasn’t said anything homophobic.

It’s not anything the others would notice,

but he makes minimal eye contact with me,

he doesn’t speak to me directly,

and he sits as far away from me as possible

without actually leaving our lunch table.