Page 46 of I Can’t Even Think Straight

Later That Night: The Devil You Don’t Know—Obi’s House Party

“Matt’s home now,” I tell Obi.

“That’s good,” says Obi,

looking up at me with a forced smile.

I don’t understand why

Obi is sitting on the floor,

leaning against my legs,

while I’m sitting by myself

on this two-seater sofa.

Vass is chatting happily

with Jenny and The Coven,

but it feels like Obi and I

are waiting for something.

When Obi’s smile fades,

I feel compelled to reach down

and stroke his face,

like he’s a moping puppy.

“What’s wrong, Obi?” I ask

in a hushed tone,

even though I think I know.

“I just wanted your pals

to like mine,” Obi whispers.

“Vass seems to be enjoying themselves,”

I tell Obi, nodding my head toward Vass.

They’re getting on with The Coven

like a house on fire,

which is what this might be

if they knock over

the candles they’re lighting.

“What are they doing now?

Are they casting a spell?”

I ask Obi, to change the subject

and lighten the mood.

“I don’t know,” Obi sulks.

He crosses his arms with a childish shrug.

He’s disappointed

I’ve changed the subject.

I decide to tell him what I’m thinking.

“Listen, Obi,” I whisper, quieter than before.

“Here’s the tea: Matt’s a bit of a hypocrite

when it comes to his religion.

He uses it as an excuse to avoid things

and get out of certain situations.

He picks and chooses what matters to him.

It’s not for me to judge him

but, as you can hear, I struggle not to.

I wanted Matt to get on with your friends, too.

But Matt’s not someone I can have

any fixed expectations of.

If Matt and I are gonna stay friends,

I have to try to love and accept him

for all his contradictions.”

I let out a sigh and lean back into the sofa.

I never thought I’d feel such sweet relief

from spilling the tea to Obi, of all people.

Obi rises from the floor

and sits beside me.

He nuzzles into my shoulder.

He smells of lavender.

I breathe him in deeply.

A breath of fresh air.

For the first time since I got here,

I feel calm. I feel cozy.

“Thank you for sharing that,”

Obi says, his voice full of breath.

He nuzzles into my shoulder

for a moment longer, before

he sits up and speaks quietly:

“I agree with everything you said.

The Coven’s into all this

but, just between me and you,

I couldn’t care less about any of it.

Hugo goes along with it

because he’s Jenny’s boyfriend.

Jenny’s my best bud, but

The Coven is her thing, not mine.

They bring their booze, tarot cards,

candles, and stuff for their spells.

My house became their covenstead

because the ’rents are rarely here.

Other than Jenny, my only friends

are my big brother and our band.

I don’t get to hang out with my brother

as much since he got a boyfriend.”

Wide-eyed inspiration

illuminates Obi’s face.

“Maybe we could

go on a double date with them?

Maybe you could

come watch our band practice?

Maybe you could

write us some song lyrics?”

Obi speaks so brightly it dazzles me.

I feel guilty.

My feelings don’t match his.

“Maybe,” I say, taking in all this

information, and all these possibilities.

Obi rubs the jade pendant between

his thumb and index finger once again.

His body beside mine now

feels like a surrender compared to earlier,

when he gripped me possessively.

I touch the evil eye bracelet

around my left wrist,

from Mum.

“Let’s go to my bedroom.” Obi smiles

with a flash of his fangs,

as Vass would call them.

I feel like Red Riding Hood,

but instead of Granny’s house in the woods,

I’ve willingly gone to the den

of the Big Bad Wolf.

Obi clearly isn’t a bad person, says my angel.

He could be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, says my devil.

I look over at Vass, Jenny, and The Coven,

who are now holding hands

and chanting something.

“Why do you wanna go to your bedroom?” I ask.

“To kiss you,” Obi says, smiling again,

and leaning his body into mine.

“You can kiss me here,”

I say, in a low-key panic,

knowing I’m not ready

to do anything more than kiss.

“I’d prefer to do it in private,” he says.

“You know, I’ve been dying to get you alone

from the moment I met you.”

I don’t feel I can trust myself

or Obi if I’m not clear, here

and now, before we go upstairs.

I remember what Mum said

about verbal consent,

boundaries, and limits.

“Just kissing and nothing more.”

“Of course,” says Obi, sitting upright.

“Have I offended you?” I ask.

“No,” Obi says forcefully.

I can feel he’s about to get sulky.

I feel guilty.

Maybe I led him on.

I did come on strong

with my flirting

in the restaurant.

I haven’t told him I’m a virgin.

“You know I like you,” I say.

“But I’m not in a rush

to go all the way.

Not tonight, anyway.”

Obi lets out a long sigh.

“Okay,” he says.

He stands and offers a hand.

“Just kissing. Nothing more.”

It feels like when someone haggles

for a better deal on Mum’s market stall.

Verbal consent,

boundaries, and limits

doesn’t feel as romantic

as I expected,

but going upstairs

doesn’t feel scary anymore.

I take Obi’s hand

and rise from the sofa.

I look over at Vass again,

and they look my way.

They mouth the words, Are you okay?

I smile and nod because I am.

I’m not sure what I’m feeling,

but it’s not bad anymore.

I’m going upstairs

to kiss a hot boy

who wants me

to go on double dates

and write lyrics

for his folk punk band.

He’s something different.

He’s a breath of fresh air.

I lift Obi’s hand in mine.

Vass smiles and nods. They understand.

I turn to Obi. “Okay,” I say,

“let’s go to your bedroom.”