Page 11 of I Can’t Even Think Straight

After Detention—The Corridor

A question is forming

as Matt and I step into

the empty corridor.

We walk in silence, side by side.

The soles of his shoes squeak,

as Matt drags his feet.

This corridor has been cleaned

during our detention:

the detritus of the day,

and the smell of sweat,

swept and mopped away,

replaced by a sparkle

and a clinical smell.

When I’m sure we’re out

of earshot of Ms. Sarpong

and Mr. Ndour, back in the classroom,

I turn to Matt:

“Don’t you think maybe

Nathan was projecting his feelings

about looking different to his brother

onto that experience

he had with the police,

and maybe he was projecting

his feelings about me

looking different to all of you

onto what happened today?”

“That’s your takeaway from today?”

asks Matt, without waiting for my answer.

“Wouldn’t you agree

mixed-race people are treated differently?”

“Yes, we’re treated differently,” I say,

“but I felt like today might’ve been

about something other than skin color.”

“What was today about, then?”

“Remember when you said

you were ninety-nine percent sure I was gay,

even before I told you?”

“What’s that gotta do with this?”

Matt doesn’t look at me as he asks.

“I had no idea you were gay

until you told me,

but I think people can see it

when they look at me.

I think it’s in the way I walk,

how I talk, my whole vibe.

It’s not something I can hide.”

“What you trying to say?”

“Just that I’m camp, aren’t I?

I think that’s another reason

I stand out from you and The Boys.”

“So, you think the police thought

we were bullying you for being gay?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.

I think Nathan thought it was about

me being mixed race

because of his experience with his brother.

It could’ve been more than one thing.

It could’ve been both.

It could’ve been something else.

Maybe I’m overthinking it.”

“Yeah, maybe you are a bit,” Matt says.

“But I see what you’re saying,” he adds.

But he’s in a world of his own.

“What’s wrong, Matt?”

“I’m just thinking about

what Ms. Sarpong was saying.

She was trying to get us

to come out to her, wasn’t she?”

“Definitely!

When she adjusted

her little badge,

it was giving:

‘Don’t worry! I’m an ally.’”

I pause to think.

“Or maybe she’s queer...”

“Do you think so?”

“I don’t know.”

I don’t wanna say

what I’m thinking.

I don’t wanna make

Matt more paranoid.

But he says it.

“Do you think the rumor

about us being together

has spread to the teachers

as well as the students?”

I let out a long sigh

in place of an answer.

I turn my head to Matt,

but he stares straight ahead

and we walk this long corridor

side by side, in silence.

“This is a nightmare, Kai.”

He finally looks at me

with tears welling in his eyes.

I wanna hug him, but I know

even though this corridor is empty,

Matt will pull away from me.

“This isn’t such a big deal, Matt.

There are four

out and proud

queer people in our year.”

“It’s different for them,” Matt sneers.

“Why?” I ask, but I know.

“Because they’re white,

like your precious Nick and Charlie.”

There it is. It’s clear to me

Matt and I see the world differently.

We may even be in parallel worlds.

We may walk side by side,

but I can’t walk in Matt’s shoes

and he can’t walk in mine.