Page 51 of I Can’t Even Think Straight

“That’s right,” Matt says, “and then you said,

‘I want that, too,’ didn’t you?”

“Something like that,” I say casually,

even though my heart is racing.

“I’ve thought about it a lot,” says Matt.

“Oh yeah?” I ask, fake-casual again.

“Yeah...” He trails off.

He shakes his head

and narrows his eyes,

disappointed in me

for not taking the bait,

or in himself for taking so long

to get to the point.

“Have you come to a conclusion?”

I ask, to help him along.

He weighs his words before he speaks.

“When I said, ‘I want that one day,’

the person I saw myself with was you.”

That’s what I’ve been waiting to hear,

but it doesn’t feel like enough.

“What do you see now?” I ask.

“I see you, Kai. Only you,” Matt says.

“I know you’re seeing Obi.

I know it’s selfish of me to tell you now.

But you’re the person I see myself with.”

He weighs his words once more.

“You know, in the future, when I’m out.”

I wince because it feels like

I’ve been punched in the gut.

Matt’s words wind me worse

than my crash landing yesterday.

This dream is unraveling.

Matt’s only talking

about this hypothetically, isn’t he?

Pathetic! says my devil.

Matt sees himself with me

in a hypothetical future,

when he’s ready to come out.

Years from now when he’s out

of his parents’ house

at a faraway university.

That may be Matt’s story,

but it’s not mine.

My devil takes hold,

and my rage jumps out:

“Fuck off, Matt!

You’re not doing this to me.”

“What do you mean?”

Matt asks as he sits up.

He shuffles back on the bed.

“You’re not gonna dangle

some fantasy in front of me

of us being together,

years into the future,

when you’re ready to come out.”

“Kai, please wait,” he says.

He puts a hand on my left leg.

“You haven’t let me finish.

Just let me finish.”

He squeezes gently.

He looks doe-eyed,

like he’s gonna cry again.

I feel safe with Matt

holding me like this.

He knows how to handle me.

I’ve been jumping to conclusions,

like Nathan,

and letting my devil

get the better of me.

I take a deep breath in and out again.

I nod for Matt to continue.

“I was gonna say,

the future

may not be

too far away.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, this time.

“I’ve been rereading our messages,

especially the ones when I told you

what happened in the lunch hall.

You asked what I said to Kojo.

I felt so ashamed and embarrassed

that I didn’t say anything to him.

It got me thinking, and I reckon

it’s because I’m used to ignoring

those kinds of comments, you know,

from my parents and at church.”

“This isn’t news to me,” I say.

“You’re not the only one

who rereads our messages.

I understand your situation.

Well, I can accept it, at least.”

Matt squeezes my leg again.

“I haven’t finished,” he says.

“I’m ready to come out to The Boys.

Not to my parents yet,

but to The Boys, at least.”

I wait, but he’s stopped speaking.

“Why now?” I ask.

I watch him weigh his words.

“From how they’ve been with you,

and how they handled Kojo,

I’ve got a lot more faith in them.”

“So, you come out to The Boys

and then what?” I ask, still processing.

“I come out to The Boys

and then we can be together.”

Matt says this like it’s obvious.

“We can be together?”

I repeat in the form of a question this time,

mocking Matt’s oversimplification.

Matt looks more wounded than me.

I say it again, pointedly.

“You’ll come out to The Boys

and then we can be together?

It’s as simple as that, is it?

What about everyone else?

What about my mum and Vass?

What about Obi?” I ask.

“Would you really rather be with Obi

if you could be with me?” Matt asks,

with a shocking amount of confidence.

I know this confidence isn’t put on.

These are his real feelings showing.

“You’ve known I was in love with you

this whole time, haven’t you?”

I let out a laugh from nowhere.

My anger subsides under the tide

of my irrepressible love for Matt

rushing in and filling my whole body,

even the parts that hurt so badly.

“Of course I know, Kai.” He laughs.

I cover my eyes with my right hand.

“We can tell your mum if you want,

and we can tell Vass together today.”

“Really?!” I ask, grinning

like I’m a little boy

being told he’s getting a puppy

after years of asking for one,

or being told he’s going to Disney

and his family is bringing

his best friend with them.

“Best friends to boyfriends,” Matt says.

“I’ve been thinking about it

ever since Nicky Anderson’s house party,

and even more since Obi’s.

I said ‘I’m in love with you’ by text message,

but you took it as a joke.

I said ‘I love you’ to your face once before school.

It’s hard to have a serious conversation with you.

We’re either joking around

or you’re angry about something.”

I remember the text: it was a joke.

I remember a winking face emoji.

I remember him saying “I love you” before school.

He was doing his church pastor character

but he said “I love you” in his own voice.

I don’t like Matt’s description of me

as either joking or angry.

He, of all people, should know

there’s more to me than that.

“Why would you want to be boyfriends

if I’m so temperamental?” I ask.

“I can handle you.”

Matt winks at me.

I wanna punch him,

but that would prove him right.

I am temperamental.

He can handle me.

I cracka half smile.

I feelso exposed.

I feelvulnerable.

I feelseen by him.

I wanna agree to be with him.

I wanna be Matt’s boyfriend.

Here in Vass’s Pride-full bedroom,

Matt and I feel possible,

irrepressible even.

I’m loved, supported,

and endlessly inspired by Vass,

but Vass’s bedroom isn’t

the world Matt lives in.

Matt believes in something different.

He doesn’t live under the evil eye’s protection.

Vass’s bedroom isn’t

our gossipy school.

Vass’s bedroom isn’t

Matt’s church

or homophobic home.

Vass has so much to face

when they step outside each day.

But at least Vass has this bedroom

and a mum who loves and accepts them.

A mum who they can talk to.

I know I could talk to

Theía Estélla as well.

But it’s not the same.

I love Vass and Matt differently.

Vass is the best friend

I could ever wish for.

Matt could be the boyfriend

I’ve always dreamed of.

Best friends to boyfriends

makes sense with Matt.

It’s a dream come true.

It’s the perfect conclusion

to my coming-out story.

I know I’m far from perfect,

but Matt’s in love with me.

Matt is my favorite boy,

and so many people already

thought we were a couple.

The gossip spread by Jyoti.

T asking me about it. The Boys, too.

Vass joking:

“You’re not in love with him, are you?”

Me denying I was in love with Matt,

even though I knew I was.

Joking with Matt and Mum:

“Absolutely dreamy! Stunning!

Gorgeous! Tens across the board!”

I wasn’t joking, was I?

Matt’s all that and more.

I want to obey my heart, but

my mind has other ideas.

Jyoti said it could be a mistake to make

your romantic partner your everything.

It feels too rushed to say yes

to being boyfriends right away.

Matt looks at me expectantly,

and I know what I have to say.

“Thank you for telling me, but

I need time to think about this.

I don’t wanna rush

into becoming boyfriends.

I don’t wanna risk

losing you as a best friend.”

I think of how casually he touches me;

I think of how safe it feels to be touched by him.

I think of how I “come back” to him

when I get upset or angry.

I think of how different things might be

if we were boyfriends, and it fills me with worry.

“I understand,” Matt says, smiling

but crestfallen, like Jyoti the other day.

I trust he does understand.

How could he not?

“I still want you to stay for lunch,”

I say, as if that’s any consolation.

“Only if you still want to—?” I ask.

He thinks about it for a moment.

“Yeah, I’d like to stay,” he says,

“if it’s not too awkward for you.”

“I can live with awkward,”

I say with another half smile,

as I point to my right arm and leg

on their stacks of cushions.

“What I can’t live without is you.”

His eyes well up again.

“Can I have another hug?” he asks.

“Yes, of course.” I laugh.

I reach out my left arm

and invite Matt back

into my half embrace,

while the flowers from Obi

loom large over us.