Page 20 of I Can’t Even Think Straight

Wednesday: The Invite—Lunch Hall

“So, is it your party

or your sister’s party?” I ask Nathan.

“It’s my older sister Nicky’s party, but I told her

if my friends can’t come the party can’t run.”

I get a warm feeling from Nathan

referring to me as one of his friends.

Maybe I misjudged this situation.

Maybe The Boys aren’t his minions.

“Most of her friends are LGBTQ+,” Nathan says,

“so you won’t be the only one.”

I smile at Matt and Matt smiles back.

My devil wants to tell Nathan

I’m not the only

LGBTQ+ person at this table.

“Sounds fun—I’ll come,” I say.

Everyone smiles and nods approvingly,

apart from Kojo, who refuses to face me.

Abdi turns to Nathan with a look of concern.

“What do you think would happen

if your mum found out?”

“It’s not Nicky’s first party.

She has them whenever our mum goes away.

She usually pays me to stay in my bedroom

and not to tell Mum.”

“How much?” asks Abdi.

“It started with five pounds when I was twelve,

but I’ve made her double it each year.”

“I’d have taken the forty pounds,”

says Abdi, having done the math super quickly.

My eyes return to Kojo,

like a child’s tongue troubling a wobbly tooth.

If Kojo weren’t in this group,

wordlessly disapproving of me, I’m sure

I’d feel much more at ease.

If I were a dentist, I’d recommend an extraction,

before the rot sets in.

But Kojo has been one of The Boys for years:

perhaps I’m the one who doesn’t belong here.