Page 47 of I Can’t Even Think Straight
Sunday: More Than Friends—Mum’s Market Stall
“You’re making it sound so weird,”
I whisper to Matt, covering my face
and feeling my flushed cheeks.
“That’s because it is weird,” Matt whispers back.
“You were locking lips with Obi upstairs,
with a satanic ritual going on downstairs.”
“Maybe, but you don’t have to say it like that,”
I protest through gritted teeth.
Matt’s wearing his church clothes.
If Mum gets back with our breakfast baps
before Matt has to go, I know she’ll go on
about how handsome Matt looks.
Matt grips the lapels of his blazer.
He stands upright and looks down at me.
All of a sudden, he looks like a Big Man,
and I know what he’s about to do.
He’s about to become Pastor Matthew.
“What shall become of you,
Malachi Michaelides?”
I crease over with laughter
and when I recover, I look up at Matt.
“Is that you, Pastor Matthew?”
“Yes, my son,
and I want you
to fully comprehend
the magnitude
of your situation
and assess
your life choices,” he says.
“I just can’t with Pastor Matthew today,”
I say, covering my eyes with my hands.
“You know I’m joking,
don’t you?” says Matt.
“I’m happy for you, my little devil.”
“Of course I know you’re joking,”
I say, uncovering my eyes
and facing Matt’s handsomeness.
There’s a hint of mischief in his eyes.
“I’ve thought of a story idea for you.
Wanna hear it?”
“Go on,” I say, giving a green light
to whatever foolishness
is about to come out
of Matt’s magnificent mouth.
I’m excited. I’m turned on
by Matt’s playful energy right now.
I feel like kissing Obi
has awoken something in me.
We did a little more than kiss.
We got a little handsy.
I felt Obi’s swimmer’s physique:
rock-hard six-pack abs
under his Sex Pistols band T-shirt.
I can imagine kissing Matt.
His bulging boxer’s biceps
holding me ever so tightly.
“Here’s my idea,” Matt says.
“Obi targeted you to bring you to The Coven
because they needed a virgin
for their demonic satanic pagan virgin blood ritual.”
“Did you practice saying that?” I ask.
“Yes, I did.” Matt smiles and nods.
“Demonic, satanic, and pagan
are three different things.” I laugh.
“You’d know, wouldn’t you?”
Matt tilts his head and tuts three times.
The morning sun makes a marvel
of Matt’s jawline.
I feel a lump in my throat.
I cough it clear.
“Let’s go back to your story idea.
Since I’m still a virgin,
this could go one of two ways
when I see them again:
The Coven could sacrifice me
in a ‘demonic satanic pagan virgin blood ritual,’
just like you said,
or I could lose my virginity to Obi,
join The Coven,
and bring them a replacement virgin.”
I point at Matt and tilt my head,
because I know he is.
Matt coughs and turns into
Pastor Matthew again:
“Or you could accept
Jesus
as your Lord and savior and
rebuke
those pagan demons!”
I crease over with laughter again.
“Oh my God, Matt! Look at you!”
Mum shrieks as she hands me
two white paper bags:
our vegan sausage baps.
She throws her arms up
and around Matt.
“Hello, Auntie, how are you?”
Matt says, bent into a hug with Mum.
“I’m great!” says Mum. “How are you?”
She releases Matt and takes a step back.
“I’m good, Auntie.”
Matt smiles goofily,
on best behavior.
“I just came by to say hi to Kai
on my way to church.”
Matt’s Church Boy act is impeccable.
Mum looks up at Matt dreamily
before she turns to me.
“Isn’t Matt so sweet?
Doesn’t he look so handsome
and muscular in his suit?”
Matt looks embarrassed,
effervescently,
like he loves and hates this
in equal measure.
“Absolutely dreamy!”
I agree with Mum.
I pile on the compliments:
“Stunning! Gorgeous!
Tens across the board!”
“I’d better get going,”
Matt says, laughing.
“I’ll text you later, okay?”
“Okay,” I say, realizing
I feel a little flushed.
“It’s nice to see you, Auntie.”
Matt waves at Mum.
“It’s nice to see you, too.”
Mum waves back at Matt.
As Matt turns away, I notice
the curve of his buttocks
and the outline of the afro comb
in his back right pocket.
As we watch Matt walk away,
I hand Mum the white paper bag
with her breakfast bap inside.
Both of our bags crinkle with every bite
as we begin to munch on their contents.
Mum nudges me gently with her elbow
and speaks with a muffled mouthful.
“Didn’t you go with Matt and Vass
to Obi’s party last night?” she asks.
“Yes,” I say, my mouth full, too.
I chew and clear my throat again. “Why?”
“You see Matt every weekday at school.
You go bouldering together on Saturdays.
You went to a party together last night.
He’s popped by to see you this morning.
And he’s gonna text you later...” Mum waits.
While Mum’s logic is flawless,
she’s stacking a house of cards
I have long since given up on.
“What are you saying, Mum?”
“I guess I was wondering
if you and Matt were
more than friends?”
“Of course
Matt and I are
more than friends.”
My answer is intentionally mischievous.
Mum turns toward me
with wide-eyed wonder.
“Matt and I are
the best of friends.”
“So, you’re not...?” She stops there.
“No, Mum.” I chuckle.
“I thought you’d already guessed.
I’m seeing Obi,” I say.
Mum is jolted by this.
“Oh,
Obi.
Of course, you’re seeing Obi.”
Mum processes this news,
and the trick I played on her
with my surprise turn.
I take a satisfied bite
of my breakfast bap.
“I couldn’t tell if Obi was gay,”
Mum says casually,
“because he’s just so posh.”
I splutter and spray the ground
with bits of bread and vegan sausage.
“Mum! I can’t believe you said that!”
“We’re still allowed to call posh people
‘posh,’ aren’t we?” Mum asks in earnest.
I shrug, teasing Mum again.
“Come off it, Kai.
You know what I mean...?”
I know what she means,
but I shrug once again.
Now Mum can’t tell
if I’m joking or not.
“Obi seems lovely.”
Mum places a hand on my arm.
“But we’ve known Matt for longer.
So, I’ve had longer to wonder
about you and Matt.
But no, it’s not you and Matt.
It’s you and Obi.”
Mum squeezes my arm gently.
“And you’re happy?”
“Yes, I’m happy!” I smile and nod.
Mum pulls me into a tight squeeze.
“Well, if you’re happy,
I’m happy,” she says.
I hear a crinkling by my ear,
as Mum takes another bite
of her breakfast bap
over my shoulder.