Page 52 of I Can’t Even Think Straight
Monday: Matt’s Coming Out—Lunch Hall
Matt corrals The Boys
with his hushed tone.
“You know I said I wasn’t gay
when you asked me?”
“Yeah...,” says Nathan, in anticipation.
Kwesi, Abdi, and Sam stay silent.
We all lean closer and wait
for Matt to continue.
“I’m sorry I lied to you.
I am gay,” Matt says.
He smiles at me before continuing:
“I don’t want my parents to find out,
so I’ve been trying to keep it quiet.”
Quiet is an understatement.
Matt lied to The Boys and Jyoti to keep it secret.
He wasn’t ready, my angel reminds me.
“You know what that means?” asks Abdi.
“No, what does it mean?” asks Matt.
“This group is one-third gay,” says Abdi.
“That’s way above the national average,”
he adds innocently.
The Boys burst into laughter.
I laugh through the pain
of my elbow in its sling.
Even after all
The Boys and I have been through
at lunchtimes
and after school,
the police, the detentions,
me and Matt coming out,
and Nicky Anderson’s house party,
it still feels surreal
to be a part of this group,
and even stranger
to realize Abdi
isn’t counting Kojo.
It seems Kojo is no longer one of The Boys
because of his homophobic comment.
Even though this is what I wanted
(Matt to come out,
and Kojo extracted from the group like a wobbly tooth),
it doesn’t feel like a victory for me.
I’m happy that Matt’s
come out to The Boys.
I’m more comfortable
without Kojo at our lunch table.
But I still wish Matt
came out sooner than this.
And I still wish Kojo
hadn’t been homophobic.
Nathan has a question:
“So, you’re both gay,
but you’ve never been together?”
Matt looks at me sheepishly,
and I still can’t read his mind,
but I know that he’ll be fine
with whatever my answer is.
“We’ve never been together,” I say.
I point to my boot and sling.
“Unfortunately, for all interested parties,
my dance card is full.
The doctor said no high-impact activities
for six to eight weeks.”
The Boys burst into rapturous laughter.
“What’s so funny?” I say, deadpan.
I shrug in my sling.
This makes The Boys laugh harder.
Other kids at nearby lunch tables
turn to look, but none of us care.
“You’re so random,” chuckles Nathan.
Matt smiles and nods his approval.
Sam leans over to me
with a gentle whisper:
“I think you and Matt
would go good together.”