Page 95 of HER SISTER

It wasn't a big deal.

Even I knew that.

Mili didn't do anything wrong—except not tell me the moment this happened.

She had texted her back earlier today, so she had plenty of time to tell me.

Even if she didn't call me, she could've told me when she got to Mya and I's apartment.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I whispered as I looked up from her phone to meet her dark eyes.

She looked completely neutral, I couldn't exactly get a read on what she was thinking.

"I was planning to tell you after our date—I didn't exactly want to ruin tonight after I had planned it to take your mind off of all this," Mili briefly explained.

And I couldn't help but sigh, deeming her explanation as valid, but also hating that it spiraled into this.

If she had told me from the start, I wouldn't have even cared about Lana's recent message.

But that's the thing—I cared about the message.

I assumed and it practically tore me back down to square one.

Or maybe it already did tear me down to square one.

I mean, with the way Mili is looking at me right now—I feel like I'm there.

"I wish you would've told me," I suddenly whispered.

Mili nodded, "Me too," she said, and her tone sounded completely truthful.

Like she genuinely wished she hadn't decided to wait for my sake.

I pursed my lips slightly as I analyzed her neutral face—and I couldn't even stop myself from asking, "Are you mad?"

Mili almost automatically shook her head, "Of course not," she said, suddenly sighing to herself as she crossed her arms over her chest, "I'm just trying to figure out the best way to get through this," she admitted.

I tilted my head, "Through what?"

Mili leaned back against the black bricked wall, "Just this no trust stage—you have a good reason to feel this way because of my past... I just don't know how to make you feel more secure," she explained.

I couldn't help but frown at her words—especially with the troubled look coating her face.

She looked like she was genuinely thinking of a way to help me.

But suddenly I seemed to realize that she couldn't.

She couldn't make me feel more secure when I, myself, feel insecure.

I mean, Mili hasn't actually given me a reason to feel this way.

Yeah, she has a past with a lot of women, but presently she hasn't actually done anything.

The only encounter I can think of is when she brought Alyssa to that movie, but I was with Cam at the time, so it feels unfair to count that.

Other than that she has made it clear that she's only about me.

Even when she seemed to bring Alyssa to that one party—I had also gone with Cam, and even still Mili and I ended up together by the end of the night.

Mili has consistently said how much she wanted me from day one.

And yet I juggled her and Cam.

If anything she has a right to not trust me after what I had done to them both.

Yet, she's never had the issue.

I want to blame it on the fact that this is my first relationship, but I'm not so sure.

I mean it could be, but I think it's something that I need to think about and figure out.

"It's my fault—I should've blocked her instead of telling her to delete my number," Mili said as she tapped on her phone, and it was clear that she was blocking Lana at this current moment.

I frowned, "None of this is your fault," I said, knowing that she couldn't help that Lana texted her, but my girlfriend only seemed to shake her head in disagreement.

I didn't want her to feel responsible for other people's actions, and that's seemingly the burden that I had put on her.

Especially after what I pulled at brunch.

Yeah, Mili smiled in a conversation with her, among other things, but maybe I should've just voiced a boundary with her instead of pushing it so far.

"I'm sorry," I suddenly whispered.

Mili glanced up from her phone with furrowed brows, "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, Ati," she said, taking an instinctive step toward me, "I shouldn't have even texted her back, and it honestly makes more sense to have told you sooner than later," she reassured me.

I only shook my head, "No but you didn't even do anything wrong by texting back. You simply defended me and yet I still assumed there was more—I still overreacted over small little things that happened at brunch instead of just communicating to you."

The words fell from my mouth as quickly as everything in my head began spiraling, clearly starting to come to a realization.

But it almost felt too late to backpedal.

"Atiana, you didn't overreact—she was an ex and I was too friendly, clearly my past doesn't help the situation," Mili said, clearly not wanting me to feel bad over the situation.

But her words seemed to only make me feel worse.

She shouldn't have to work to make up for things she had done before me.

She should be able to briefly speak to people from her past in passing without me jumping to make a point, and instead, voicing a boundary to her.

It seems like something that's going to spiral, until soon, she's overcompensating to a point to where it drains her.

"Your past shouldn't even be such an issue honestly—you've proven time after time that you want me," I said, and my words seemed to fall from my mouth with a disappointed sigh before I managed to glance away from Mili's beautiful face and say—

"I don't know what's wrong with me."

My words were weak and I swear I had never felt more vulnerable.

Mili didn't even hesitate to reach out for me—easily pulling me into a hug as her arms remained settled at my waist.

Her actions alone seemed to only send me deeper into my spiral, especially when tears burned at the corners of my eyes.

"Ati—baby, nothing is wrong with you," Mili said, and her voice was so soft and beautiful.

It seemed to make only make more tears prick at my eyes.

"You don't deserve to be judged by your past or like you have to do certain things due to it—especially when you haven't given me an actual reason to not trust you," I forced out weakly as I carefully used my sleeves to dab my tears away with hopes of not ruining my makeup, "I just think I'm not that secure with myself. It's not you," I whispered.

And just like that more tears were growing in my eyes—so quickly that they began spilling down onto my cheeks.

So much for not ruining my makeup.

Mili only held me tighter in the hug, "If you don't feel secure then we can work on that—what can I do to make you feel better?"

More tears fell from my eyes, "That's the thing—" I suddenly pulled back from the hug, "—You can't do anything."

Mili's brows furrowed as she gently cupped my cheeks to delicately wipe my tears away.

"I don't understand. So I'm not supposed to help you at all?" she questioned.

I drew in a deep breath as I held my girlfriend's concerned eyes, clearly breaking down even more at her selflessness.

And as I even thought about uttering my next words, I felt more tears gather in my heavy eyes.

"I..." I trailed off as I drew in a sudden deep breath, "I think I just need space to figure this out," I whispered weakly.

And just like that, Mili's face had fallen—clearly realizing the direction of all this.

"Space?" she clarified, suddenly drawing me in closer to her body, "I can't do space, Ati, please can we try something else?"

And her tone sounded so weak—like she was already feeling broken at even the idea of it.

I drew in another deep breath, hoping to somewhat get myself together, but my tears seemed to have their own agenda.

"Atiana please," Mili whispered, suddenly leaning down to nuzzle her head into the crook of my neck as she said, "You know I need you."

I couldn't even begin to hold myself back from full-on crying, especially with how Mili was now cuddled up into my body, practically begging me to not take time away.

I couldn't imagine a few hours without her—much less a day.

Or a week.

Or...

Until I seem to heal my own insecurity.

How long would that take?

"I have to do this—this is only going to become unhealthy if I don't," I forced out, hoping to somewhat force myself to be stronger.

But I was a full-on crying mess at this point.

Mili only remained silent as she held me in the hug, clearly adamant on even the idea of all this.

Even I somehow found myself falling into the hug, allowing my tears to run dry as we held each other in silence.

It was comfortable—so comfortable that we stood there for minutes on end.

"How long?" Mili suddenly whispered.

And just like that, knots were tied in my stomach, feeling like I could one hundred percent throw up right now.

"I don't know," I forced out.

And the words alone made Mili stiffen against me.

Mili sighed against my neck, "I don't know if I can do that," she admitted.

And it seemed to be something I related to.

But this would be best for both of us.

Clearly, it's growing toxic the other way around.

"It'll be better for us in the long run," I whispered, even if I didn't find myself believing my own words in the slightest.

Mili only shook her head as she pulled back from my neck—allowing her dark eyes to meet mine, and the look in her eyes alone was so vulnerable.

It managed to make more of my tears grow.

"What if..." Mili suddenly looked away from me, "I wake up in the middle of the night, and you're not there?"

My lips pursed into a frown at her words, easily feeling my chest strike with pain at the visual she had painted me.

I suddenly wanted to call it all off.

To forget the entire idea.

But that didn't seem good in the long run.

And I wanted to go the long run with her.

"Do you still have my sweatshirts?" I suddenly questioned.

Mili nodded, almost in a reluctant child-like manner.

Even I knew my sweatshirts wouldn't be enough for her, but it was better than nothing.

Knowing that I had some of her clothes from her overnight stays managed to make me feel a little better.

It wasn't a lot but it was still something.

"Can you sleep with those?" I whispered to Mili who seemed to still look away from me.

She seemed absolutely distraught, and the sight didn't help the heaviness in my chest.

"Yeah," she said, her tone lowered and barely audible.

I forced a smile, "So you'll be all good," I reassured her.

Mili hummed weakly as she glanced down at my lips—and as soon as I leaned in, she quickly glanced back up to my eyes.

"I really—" Mili shook her head as she took a step back from me, "—I can't kiss you right now," she said, and I couldn't miss how broken her voice sounded.

Even by the expression on her face, it was clear that she was trying to hold her composure.

Meanwhile, I wasn't quite sure I'd ever get mine back.

At least until I figured this all out for myself.

"I love you," I whispered as I looked between her eyes.

And the three words alone were enough to suddenly make her look away from me, and I quickly realized it was because her composure was quickly starting to crumble.

I don't think I had actually seen her cry before, and I don't think I ever do.

Mili hummed sharply, "I love you too, Atiana."

And just like that—

We were separated.

With Mili walking back to her loft while I managed to watch her until she was out of viewpoint.

Even when I was standing there alone, I still couldn't bring myself to move—to leave the last space we had just been in.

To go back upstairs without breaking down into a crying mess.

This is better for us.

That's what I kept repeating to myself, but suddenly I couldn't find myself caring what was better.

Suddenly, I wanted to be selfish and not care that we were going down a toxic path.

That continuing on without trust wouldn't completely ruin the base of our relationship.

But even I couldn't say that.

I knew deep down that this was the best decision for us, and somehow that made my chest ache more.