Page 39 of Fragments

I shouldn’t be watching this. I thought I could help him out by waking him up, but now I feel creepy, standing here while he has some bizarre, painful sex dream.

I move away as slowly as possible, because I really don’t want him to wake up with me lurking by his bed like a weirdo. Going for the bars, I start to climb back up to my bunk so I can pretend this never happened. But his voice stops me, words catching my ear.

Through the mumbles, I make out him rasping, “Feels so good…” Followed by a shivering, “Suck harder.”

My gut clenches like a fist.He’s… dreaming about someone sucking him off.

Is he dreaming about Ren??

For whatever reason, the thought is making me sick. Earlier, he seemed like he just wanted to forget what Ren did to him in that empty room… Now, he’s dreaming about it?

Maybe he liked it more than he let on.

The nauseated jealousy climbing up my esophagus is just plain foolish. Dash can’t help what happens in his dreams… None of us can. It’s not his fault if his unconscious mind is messing with his confusion from earlier.

Quickly, I grab the bars and climb back to my bunk, curling up in bed. I close my eyes, ignoring the sounds of Dash getting sleep-head.

None of my business.

He makes a choking sound down there, and I cover my ears.

Not listening.

But I can still hear him. And when he murmurs, “Dash,” my eyes snap open again.

Why is he saying his own name?

“I’m gonna come down your tight throat, baby…”

“What in the holy hell…?” I whisper, snatching my pillow.

His muffled groans cut off when I smash the pillow over my head, humming a song to distract myself from whatever my cellmate is doing down there. I know he’s still speaking, but I’m not listening. I can’t…

Because if it’s anything to do with Ren, then this just got a buttload more complicated.

A few days have passed, and things have seemingly gone back to normal. Well, as normal as they can be in here.

Kang is still a bit mopey, but now I can’t tell if it’s because he’s worried about O’Malley, or if he’s letting Ren get to him. Heclaimshe only ever messes around with Ren when Ren begs him to be the proxy, but part of me thinks he enjoys it more than he wants to, and that twists him up.

Dash has been jumpier than usual. I didn’t mention the whole overhearing his sex dream thing, because where would that get me?

Avoidance is the best bet when it comes to stuff like this. Plus, I don’t want him to feel awkward or ashamed. I care about him. He’s my friend, and I love having him around, regardless of his odd behaviors, sex dreams, or him talking to himself at night. I’ve always felt better with a cellmate.

Being alone sucks ass.

I can relate to both of their struggles with understanding your sexuality in prison. It’s a complex topic. We’re trapped forever in a building full of dudes with rampant sexual appetites. Frankly, it’s unavoidable. But we all deal with it in different ways.

Ren is probably one of the only people in here who’s never questioned his sexuality, not even for a second. That’s why it’s hard for him to comprehend the confusion he causes with his careless sex games.

That and he also just doesn’t give a fuck, because he’s a dick.

We still haven’t spoken more than a few words to each other since our last argument, and I don’t think it’s any coincidence he’s been going to the showers and cafeteria at different times. I know I’m supposed to be relieved that he’s drifting away a little, but it’s just frustrating me more.

He’s the one who agreed to try… After we stopped doing whatever stupid shit we were doing together—a mistake I’m still trying hard to regret—I asked him if we could stay friends, and he said yes.

But I guess it was just another line of bullshit he fed me to get what he wanted.

Shaking off the memory, I focus on my steps as we leave our cell with Joy, who’s bringing us down to the basement for some rec time. She stops outside of Kang’s cell, and when he trots out, cuffed and ready to go, she continues on up the row to Ren’s.