Page 177 of Fragments

“I’m terrified of you hurting me again…”

He gives me a wounded look, eyes glistening the prettiest blue there is. “I’m terrified you’ll realize you’re too good for me.”

I take his hand in mine, toying with his fingers. “That’s not true. You’re just making excuses for yourself, so when you fuck up, you can blame it on that.”

He exhales slowly. “Lex, do you really want to be with me? I mean,really?”

“I want to be withyou, Ren,” I tell him honestly. “The real you. Not the person you think you are.”

I can tell from the look on his face it’s getting heavy and he’s worried. So I kiss his fingertips, pulling a soft smile out of him.

“The real me wants to get you hard again so we can do virginity theft round two.”

I laugh, tugging him on top of me.

Giving in to the inevitable.

The Luthor and Ren Show… Back by popular demand.

A few weeks later…

Alabaster Penitentiary is on full lockdown.

Most of everyone’s stuff has been confiscated. The guards’ leashes have been shortened immensely. Nothing is coming in or out of this place. Which means the guards aren’tcomingeither.

I know… Yuck. But it’s true.

From what I’ve heard, the parties they used to have in the mansion, the lavish bouts of techno and hedonism, with booze flowing from ice sculptures and people dressed like pixies blowing sparkly coke in your face—at least, that’s how I always pictured it—have been shut the fuck down. The wells of drugs and sex have all but dried up, meaning we are now in a building full of men in withdrawal who aren’t getting laid.

The mood is tense, to say the least.

Butas awful as things are in theory, I’m walking ongoddamn sunshine.

I finally lost my virginity.

That’s right! Ya boy finally punched his V-card!

Internally raises the roof.

Not only that, but I lost it to the hottest dude on the planet. The rich, popular boy with the perfect hair, and the killer smile, and the Instagram model body…

Yea, that guy. I fucked him.

In reality, Warren Xavier stole my virginity like an art thief who’d been casing the joint for four years. And I’ve gotta say… I’m not mad at it. All confusing sexual awakenings aside, if I knew fucking him would ease all the pain he’s caused me, I would’ve done it years ago.

I’m working toward a progressive view of my sexuality. For now, I’m just calling myselfqueer, because I think that’s what I am. Maybe bi, maybe pan, maybe omni.

Who even knows, really… I’m still figuring it out, but isn’t that the point?

Sexuality isn’t necessarily something you’re going to pin down from age whatever to the end of your life. It’s likely to change asyouchange and grow as a person. I never used to think I’d be attracted to guys, but when I met Ren, his hotness really smacked me in the face. My sexual attraction to him is the easy part. Everything else with us is a shitshow, but that part is very straightforward. I think he’s gorgeous, his body is bangin’, and I like his dick…a lot.

The point is that I’m very gay for him. But I don’t think that means I’mgayin general, because I still find girls attractive, too. I’d like to just ride this out and see where it takes me before getting too hung up on what it all means. Plus, it’s not like I have to worry about coming out to my parents, or my friends.

Maybe I’m fortunate in that regard. Dealing with acceptance doesn’t matter much in here. I suppose prison has a way of simplifying certain things.

My main point of contention right now is that I lost my virginity, and it was amazing, and it feltdivine… And then it juststopped. I was tossed back into my cell alone when all I wanted was to have more sex.Buttloadsmore.Hehe.

Okay, ew, Luthor. Don’t be gross.